Where I'm From.

I lived in the same small town from the age of two until I went to college at 18. Less than 3,000 people made up the entire population, and I graduated with a class of around 60. My dad was the banker in town...the president of literally the only bank there. This meant that basically everyone knew him...and by default, knew who I was.

I was watched, constantly. Not only by my overprotective parents, but by everyone else as well. My parents knew everything I'd done before I even walked through the door five minutes later. It was a strange way to grow up, but it was all I knew. It gave me a false sense of security, and probably of entitlement. I was one of the "rich girls" in town with a nice car and a big house. There wasn't a lot of that in my hometown.

But one thing that my parents always made sure I knew is that I was no better than anyone else. Because I wasn't. If I would have lived just 30 minutes away in Tulsa, we would have been your average upper middle class family. We may have been more fortunate than others, and I was well aware of that, but I hope and pray that I never, ever came across as snobby or stuck up.

In a small school there aren't a whole lot of "cliques". There typically are just "the popular kids"...no jocks or skaters or potheads or cheerleaders. Sure, we had all of those things, but none of that determined who was popular and who wasn't. I'm really not sure what did. Even though I fell in line with the more popular group, I truly believed I was a friend to everyone. I've always been on the quieter side, a little more shy especially at a young age, and I'm afraid that may have come across as something that it wasn't. But I do know that I had several kids write in my yearbook that last year and thank me for always being so nice to them...and that meant more to me than being "popular" ever could have.

Life in that town was so easy for me in so many ways, and so hard in others. From the outside it must have looked like I really had it all going for me. "Rich" parents, a "huge" house, a nice car, I was a cheerleader, I had a lot of friends...I'm sure some people were envious, and I know others hated me for it. But in my actual life, on the inside where no one could see, it wasn't so wonderful. My parents didn't get along. At all. We lacked a real family unit. At that point, it was basically me and my mom, and then my dad. We rarely ever did anything as a family....I even remember thinking it was strange if the three of us went somewhere together or spent any amount of time together, and inevitably things would end unpleasantly.

From the end of my freshman year until just after graduation, I dated an older guy who treated me terribly. So terribly. I have never been so disrespected in my life, and after that relationship I knew I would never let it happen again. He constantly cheated on me, lied to me, put me down...he would promise to come see me, then never show up. Days later he would call and turn it into my fault somehow. He did a lot of drugs, and he took me into some really sketchy situations that looking back on I cannot believe I allowed myself to be in as such a young girl. I never, ever tried one drug or took one sip of alcohol when I was with him, and I'm sure I have my parents influence to thank for that. I repeatedly found out about girls that he slept with...a friend of a friend, a girl we went to church with, a younger girl at school. It was miserable. I was horribly depressed, not only because of him, but because I truly suffered from depression. I contemplated suicide. I hated my life. I thought things would never get better.

And yet, I had it all...in the eyes of all the people surrounding me in that tiny little town, I really had it all going for me. Sure, people knew about the crazy boyfriend, but I'm positive no one really knew what was going on, aside from friends of his who had little sympathy for me. People just knew I was dating this guy who went to our school a few years before and had a not-so-great reputation. I'm sure people wondered why on earth we were together, but while I was at school he rarely came up.

I think growing up in that type of place really makes me appreciate the anonymity that comes with living in a bigger city. I rarely run into people I know. I'm just another face in the crowd. I don't have to worry about constantly being judged. I don't have any type of image to uphold, because no one knows me here. Sure, I miss the slower pace, the friendly faces, the sense of community...there are some really amazing advantages to growing up in a small town, and I'll forever be grateful that I had that experience. But thank God I married a man who would never survive in a small town...because I'm positive I could never go back.

I haven't been to my hometown, other than a quick drive through, in several years. My parents got divorced and they both moved. Very few of my friends still live there. I have no reason to go. It makes me nervous just thinking about it...all the people I'd see, the questions I'd be asked...people's surprise at seeing me there. I don't feel like I have any enemies by any means, in fact, I mostly have warm feelings for the people from that phase in my life. Sometimes I feel a little homesick...not so much for the actual physical place, but just for that time in my life. Although it was far from perfect, especially in my later years there, it was home. I felt safe, loved, protected...there's just something about living with your mom and your dad that can never be replaced. I'm just so far removed from that now, it feels so foreign. Even though growing up there is so much a part of who I am, it seems like another life. I'm so thankful for everything I experienced, even the less than pleasant side of things, because I'm sure I wouldn't be who I am today without it.

Overwhelmed, Lucky, and Happy To Be Here

I can't believe that summer is almost over. All the neighborhood kids are going back to school next week, the pool hours are about to get a lot shorter, and soon the temps in the 100+ range will be a distant memory. The older I get, the faster time seems to pass. Everyone always warned me this would happen, but sometimes I really can't believe how quickly it seems to go.

Now that I have Grayson I'm constantly trying to capture the moments and tuck them away into some little space in my brain so that I can always remember. Even the mundane, every day moments are so special that I hope I never forget them. It's why when I'm having a frustrating day with so many tantrums and missed naps and oh my I'm just so tired why won't you sleep?!?! that I try to stop myself and remind myself that someday he won't be so little. And someday he won't want me to hold him and play with him and shower him with attention 24/7. And someday he won't need me to rock him to sleep or to come in and rock him back to sleep an hour later.

I think in everything that goes on in life it's easy to just let it slide by and not really stop and appreciate how special every moment is. Laughing in the living room when A picks me up and tosses me over his shoulder, or tackles me on the ground and he and Grayson "tickle me", or when we do a crazy dance to try and make Grayson laugh...they're just tiny little 30 second moments in my day that pass in a flash and I easily forget about. So much of every day is full of laundry and picking up toys and cleaning up the high chair and wiping down the kitchen counters yet again, and trying to share my love and affection with a baby who demands it, a sadly neglected dog, and a husband who needs me. It's overwhelming and monotonous and can be stressful. But these beautiful, hilarious, sweet little moments every day add up to make one amazing life.

I'm at a point in life where I'm overwhelmed. I think if there were a word to sum up my life at this stage, that would be it. I'm trying to figure out balance. And it's tough. I'm trying to figure out how to be the best mama I can possibly be, while still being a good mama to my first little baby, Miss Addie Jane. And really, the hubs and I are practically still newlyweds. It will be three years next month. I'm definitely still trying (and failing miserably a lot) to figure out how to be a fantastic wife. I've got my freelance job that really only requires around 10-15 hours a week, but when I try to fit that in to a day full of everything else, I just feel...overwhelmed. I crave a routine that makes sense, that makes things easier, but apparently this time in my life just isn't meant for routine.

I still have so many things that I want to do. So desperately. I've always felt like I have some "calling" in my life, some big purpose. I think right now it's to be mama...but I know that I can't just be that. There's something inside of me that needs more. I want to touch lives. I want to save animals. I want to create beautiful things. I want to be healthy and fit and dear Lord how do moms find time to work out? I mean, really...how do you ladies do it all? I have one tiny child and I feel like every single day is just runningrunningrunning trying to get it all done before I collapse into bed at night, exhausted. Thank the good Lord above my child is a good sleeper, because the nights that he isn't I am a beast to deal with the next day. I need that time to recharge so I can get up and do it all again.

And I miss this space. I miss getting on here and just purging and spilling out all of my feelings and emotions. It's the thing that I think was the best for me from time to time, and now it's the thing that I have put on the very back burner and rarely even consider doing. I get so very little "me" time, and when I do I just kind of sit here and zone out. Or binge watch episodes of Vampire Diaries.

More than anything, I just feel so blessed. I know this probably seems like maybe a bit of a complaining post, but it's not. That's not what it is at all. Being overwhelmed and busy and pulled in so many directions and having so many people who want and need my affection is amazing. It's wonderful. It's the best thing ever. I'm struggling to figure out how to handle it all, but oh my goodness I'm so glad that this is what I get to handle. I was telling A the other day that every once in awhile I get smacked in the face with this crazy guilt, because I am so super freaking lucky to have the life that I do, and I didn't do anything to get it, really. I got lucky to be born into the family that I was, to have the security and opportunity and material things. I got lucky to meet him and to fall in love and to get married, and for him to end up being this crazy determined, hard-working, successful man (if you would have known him in college, you would see what I gamble I took ;) Ha, kidding babe). And I mean, I really hit the jackpot in the adorable, hilarious, sweet child department. My life is good. And I'm thankful.

So. I think I needed this. My random, unplanned, word-vomit of the month. If you're still here and still reading, bless you. And thank you.

Checking In

Anyone else find it kind of funny that the last time I posted I said something along the lines of "now that I'm semi-back to blogging..." - and that it was well over a month ago? Obviously the being back to blogging thing didn't really work out for me. I don't know what it is, honestly. I just can't find my mojo or something. I've always got a million things going on that I want to do and need to do and have to do, and blogging just kind of gets pushed to the side somehow.

I've though about quitting altogether, I've thought about making the blog private for awhile. But I really think I'll just kind of let it sit here quietly, updating whenever I find the time.

I really wish I had more motivation and time, because I would absolutely love to be documenting all of the hilarious and awesome things that are going on with Grayson these days. He'll be 15 months on Thursday, and he just gets cuter and funnier and sweeter and smarter and more defiant and independent every single day. He's just the best thing in the whole entire world, and I want to capture every single moment because they're all just too good.

I think really that's what it is. I'm so busy soaking up the time with him and the husband and Addie Jane that I don't want to take the time to slow down and write about it. I'm afraid that someday I'll regret it though, because all of these little things that he does right now that are so funny and adorable and memorable will someday be just a memory - and I have an awful memory. I already have a hard time remembering what it was like when he was a baby, and that was just a few months ago. I'm scared I won't remember all these tiny precious details.

So at the moment, here are some of the things I never, ever want to forget.

The way he gives kisses to anyone who asks - right on the lips with a big "mmmmwah". Today he seriously gave me about 15 kisses in a row, grabbing my face and smooshing his little lips on mine over and over again.
The way he says "Addie! Addie! Addie! Aaaadddiiiieee!!!" while running toward her. He is seriously obsessed with that dog, and she literally couldn't care less about him. This past weekend he woke up and she wasn't in here, and the very first thing he did was sit up and say "Addie? Addie?". It's precious. And sad because it's so one-sided.
The way he says mama. FINALLY. He didn't start saying it regularly until maybe a month ago. My mom says it's sweet because he says it with such love, and he really does say it in the gentlest little voice.
The way he "winks" at us, which is really just batting his long lashes and blinking those big brown eyes.
The way he giggles like crazy whenever the hubby kisses his neck or tickles him. I love seeing them roll around on the floor together.
The way he says "moh! moh! moooooohhhhhh!" Whenever he wants more of something. (Usually food. He's obsessed.)

The way he gets so excited and grasps his hands together and bends over and grins so big whenever he's really excited about something.
The way he runs and giggles and squeals when someone is chasing him.
The way he splashes water in his face in the pool and thinks it's so funny.
The way he rolls around in the floor, flopping his arms to the side and laughing.
The way he'll grab a blanket from the basket and go lay down on it when he's sleepy.
The way he plays with my hair when he's falling asleep.
The way he'll cuddle so good when it's nap time.

There are a million more things, but it's late and I need to sleep so I can get up and jog tomorrow morning - yet another thing I've decided I should be doing in my life ;) I hope everyone is wonderful, and I hope some of you will still stop by and check in with me every now and then. I assume I'll be back "for real" someday, but at the moment I have no idea when that would be. Until next time!