My Grayson

Since I will be 40 weeks pregnant tomorrow, things are really starting to sink in. Like, the fact that there will be a tiny infant living in our home in the next few days (fingers crossed, I am so very ready to be done with this last few weeks of pregnancy!). And also the fact that Grayson will no longer be my only baby, my only child, my only boy, my only everything. I know I will love and adore this baby boy just as much as my first, but man - it's really kind of freaking me out thinking about sharing the love.

Right now I spend so much time just cuddling with, kissing on, obsessing over Grayson. He and I have such a special bond. I spend more time with him than anyone else, and he really is like my best little friend. He's such a joy to be around (most of the time, ha!) and I so enjoy all of our one-on-one time together. I have heard so, so, so many mamas say that instead of splitting the love it's almost like your heart grows in size, and I fully expect that to be the case. I guess I'm more concerned with splitting the actual time than the love. Love I have an abundance of. Time, not as much.

I think this is why I've been so obsessed with Grayson the past few weeks. I mean, he really is hilarious and smart and full of joy, and he is endlessly entertaining. But he's been that way for awhile now. I think I'm just really soaking it all in, trying to truly see him for the amazing little man that he is before half my attention has to be devoted to a tiny baby. So he and I have been spending a lot of time cuddled up in our big comfy chair, him sitting as close to me as humanly possible, sometimes playing with my hair, sometimes just leaning on my arm. He watches Paw Patrol or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and I play on the iPad, and we just snuggle up. Up until just a few weeks ago I was all about staying active, avoiding screen time as much as possible, and getting out and about whenever we could. But being this pregnant has forced me to slow down, and really, it has been so nice. Taking the time to simply sit with him and giggle about whatever random thing comes up or talk about his day at preschool has been some of my most favorite times with him lately.

So until this baby decides to make his appearance, this is how we will proceed. Excess amounts of cuddling. laughing, kissing, "I love you's", and probably since he's 2 1/2, several tantrums and meltdowns thrown in for good measure. I cannot wait to meet the little one growing inside me, but I will always, always treasure the time I've had, just me and my Grayson.

Goals

I have a lot of goals and dreams for my life. Like, a lot a lot. I have so many that I get overwhelmed at the thought of them and need to take a nap. I get so excited, because I'm so passionate about so many things, and I just want to do them all and do them like right NOW and wouldn't it be great if I could (fill in the blank), wouldn't that be so amazing?!?

So I think, and I plot, and I plan, and on an on...and then I end up with a million ideas and plans and exactly nothing to show for it. The husband has told me time and time again that I really need to choose like two things to focus on, and just work on that for awhile. I mean, I've kind of got a lot going on right now anyway, it's not like I've got hours of downtime to do arts and crafts and build my empire.

So I think I've decided that number one, I'm going to focus on being mommy. I mean, obviously, right? But it's not, really. Because "mommy" is a given, it's just the default. I wake up, I'm mommy. I fix breakfast, I change diapers, I clean up messes, I give kisses, I change the laundry, I fix lunch, I color, I go on walks, I count, I say ABCs, and so on and so on. But just going through the motions doesn't get me anywhere. Instead, I want to really focus on being the best mommy I can be. This doesn't mean a perfect mommy, because Lord knows I would fail at that goal daily. But being the best mommy I personally can be. This means working on my patience, and taking the time to get down on the floor and wrestle around and work on puzzles and stack blocks and read books. To give him my undivided attention whenever possible. Because this is what I do. I'm mommy. I don't have a career that I'm focused on at the moment, I don't have a boss that I answer to, and I don't have to devote 40+ hours a week to a job anymore. So I need to take that energy and put it into mommyhood. That may not be right for every mama, but for me I know that's what I need, and want, to do. 

Number two, I would really like to focus on getting back into blogging. This might not look like blogging four or five times a week immediately, but it may be a little behind the scenes stuff. Planning, brainstorming, working on the details of what I want this space to be. This is another area that I have so many ideas that my brain just turns into a big jumble of thoughts and then I'm overwhelmed and I've gotten nowhere. So my plan is to dedicate a certain (TBD) amount of time each week to just the thought process of where I want to take this blog. I may sit and think and plot and come up with the answer that I don't really want it to be any more than what it currently is, which is basically an online journal that I very sporadically write in. Or I may want it to be one of the bigger things that I've thought at some point. All I know is I need to put some effort into making that decision. So that's goal number two at the moment.

And for now, that's where my focus will be. Even though I also want to start volunteering, and start sewing and crafting and open an Etsy shop, and work on getting back in fabulous shape, and start flipping houses, and work on the bajillion projects I want to do around the house, and open a boutique, and go back to school to get a degree in a different field, and start an animal rescue, and and and and.....

Like I said. Brain overload over here.

But even though I want to do all of those things, I'm going to take my oh-so-wise husband's advice and pick one. Or two, actually. Number one will never change, or at least not until all my babies are off to school. And then it will just look different, but will still be number one for me I'm quite sure. And then we shall see what else happens. I wish I had the endless time and endless energy to just go go go and do it all now, but I'm trying to embrace this season in my life for what it is. It's busy, and overwhelming, and fun, and precious, and I love it so much. I know in the blink of an eye I'll be in a totally different season, and I'll just wish I had little arms reaching out to me to be held all day long, so I'm taking the time to embrace it. I can have all the goals in the world, and I truly hope that I get to accomplish them all, because I just feel so stupid passionate about every single one of them. But for now, I have to acknowledge my limitations, and be ok with them. And I think I finally am.

Being Mommy is Hard Sometimes

When you start talking about being a mom, things can go in a million different directions. Those of us who are lucky enough to have the title know that it's a complicated thing. In a day I feel so many emotions that I question my sanity. I am overjoyed, amused, frustrated, infatuated, annoyed, so in love that my heart might burst, and so exhausted that I might scream.

A little over a year ago I posted about how motherhood is the toughest job I've ever had. This still holds true. I've heard people say it shouldn't be considered a job, and you should never compare it to one, but to be honest? Some days it feels like work. Really, really, exhausting, hard, emotionally, physically, and mentally draining work. Maybe I shouldn't admit that, but it's true.

At the same time, there isn't a job in the world that could fulfill me the way that being a mother does. Some women choose not to have children and are 100% content and fulfilled with a career or a passion or a marriage or whatever it might be. For me, motherhood is that thing. Everyone has their own thing, and I think that's wonderful and beautiful. If you aren't called to be a mother, then you just aren't. No shame, no judgment, no holier-than-though attitude. I have friends who don't want babies, and they are amazing people. I don't know why it turns into an "us versus them" thing so often. I don't know why some people feel the need to downplay motherhood, to act as if it's something you shouldn't be proud of. I'm incredibly proud. I'm proud that I'm shaping this little boy into what will hopefully someday be an amazing, respectful, kind, honest, reliable man. I'm proud that I gave up so much to do that, that it consumes my life. I made that choice, and I don't think I should ever feel like that makes me "less than", just like not having children will never make anyone else "less than".

But motherhood is absolutely something that no job, no training, no nothing in the world could prepare you for. The lengths that you will go to for your child, the sacrifices that you will make, the giving of yourself - I honestly didn't know I had it in me. Some days I question if I do.

Some days, when Grayson doesn't sleep well, or he throws tantrum after tantrum, or the house is a disaster and it seems like all I do is clean and clean and clean...on those days, I feel so drained that I think I might not be able to push through. But then I scoop him up in my arms, cuddle him on the couch, give him a million kisses until he giggles, and I make it through. I reach deep down inside myself and I find that all-consuming love that fills me up and makes the tiredness and the frustration and the fear that I'm losing myself to mommy-hood begin to fade away. There is nothing that can compare to the way I love my son. There just isn't.

So no matter how hard it may be, no matter how tired I may get, no matter how badly I think I just need a break....it's so worth it. I would do it over and over and over again, a million times. I would gladly give up the free time, the TV watching, the book reading, the going out with friends, the lounging around on Sundays, the sleeping in, the trips out of town, the date nights whenever we want them, the career, the time to work out, the time to do anything other than be mommy. Because even though I desperately need those things from time to time, I desperately need to keep a sense of who I am when I'm not mommy....mommy is who I am. It doesn't matter where I am, what I'm doing, how far away I may be. I will always and forever be his mommy, first and foremost. It is so deep within me that it consumes who I am. Motherhood is a sacrifice in a million ways. I discover that more and more all the time.

So yes, it's hard. Yes, it is a challenge. Yes, some days I count down the hours until bedtime. But it's the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my entire life. And I'm not sorry for that.

Inspired.

Do you ever feel so inspired by so many things that you just get overwhelmed by it all and become somewhat paralyzed? Ha. That's kind of where I am in life right now. For some reason all of the sudden I'm noticing all of the amazing, beautiful things in this world that I want to learn and see and do and experience…and it fills me with all of this joy and hope and warm goodness….and then I just kind  of freeze up and don't do anything because there are so many things that I don't even know where to begin. 

I'm feeling so inspired for this little blogging space of mine. I have so many ideas for what I want to do. But I feel like I need a full day, or even a week, to sit down and do nothing but brainstorm and outline and gather my thoughts - and what mama of a 9 month old has that kind of time? Not this one. So I've just kind of been dropping the ball and posting less than normal because it's so much to take on that I don't know where to start.

I'm feeling inspired by my new freelancing gig. Like I said last week, it's so nice to be using my brain. It's so nice to be contributing financially more than just a tiny bit here and there. It's so nice to have to meet deadlines and to hear feedback on my work and to see a finished product that came out of my very own brain and to feel proud.

I feel inspired when it comes to my home. I have been a pinning fool over on Pinterest. My home decor board is pretty legit these days, plus I've started several new ones, like my home office board, that are all kinds of fun. I have all of these amazing ideas for what I want to do to our house. But I feel kind of stuck, because if we are going to sell then I don't want to waste my time here. But if we end up staying, there's a lot I would love to do. So I'm just kind of at a stand-still here.

I'm feeling inspired when it comes to motherhood, and what kind of mother I hope to be. I see Grayson growing and learning more and more every day, and I want to really begin to mold his little mind into all that it can be. I have so many projects and games and activities that I want to do with him. But I feel like I never have the time to prepare them. And I'm always a little worried that I should be doing more to really help him learn, rather than just play and count and sing our ABCs.

I feel inspired to start creating things. I love DIY projects, I love learning to sew, I love taking something old and making it beautiful. I have a garage full of things that I have salvaged or bought to fix up and potentially sell. My mom and I have talked about so many things that we want to do in this area….but there never seems to be any time.

There are so many things that I want to accomplish in this life. So many things that I want to learn and see and do and create and master. I'm hopeful that somehow I'll find the time, that I'll make the time. It's so easy as a wife and a mother to put everyone else's needs before your own. My days are consumed with thoughts of keeping A and Grayson and even Addie happy. At the end of the day, after everyone else is settled in and I feel like I've done what I should, then I allow myself to think about what I would like to do. It's crazy how an entire day can slip by and at the end of it I can realize I didn't take more than five minutes to do something I wanted. Of course my days are filled with playing with a baby and a dog so I obviously enjoy them, but I rarely get any "me" time. And we all need it.

So I'm going to make it a point from here on out to find time in my day for me. Nap time should be my time, it shouldn't be my time to fold laundry and clean the kitchen and mop the floor. When Grayson goes to sleep it should be my time. It shouldn't be when I feel like I have to get everything done that I didn't accomplish that day. It's never going to be perfect. None of it. So I'm going to try my hardest to take those fleeting moments and start chipping away at some of the goals I have for myself. I think it's time.

Random Thoughts For Your Friday

I'm pretty sure that last night is the very first night since I've been blogging regularly that I actually just completely and totally forgot to write a post. I normally write my post for the next day the evening before, and last night...just didn't even cross my mind. THAT is how you know this little mama has a lot of stuff going on in her brain.

So now it is Thursday night, and you all will be seeing this tomorrow morning. Hopefully by that point I will have woken up from an amazing night of restful sleep and I will be bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to start my day (what IS that saying, anyway?). This week has been a bit...challenging? I hate to even call it that because nothing difficult has happened at all, but still...I'm tired, y'all!

Not only are we trying to sell the house, which means we have to be out of the house several hours a day for showings, but I've also started a new freelancing gig that is requiring several hours a week. All great stuff, but add that to a baby who is currently cutting FOUR teeth and not sleeping great, plus trying to find something to do with said baby and a crazy dog for hours a day when you have to be out of your house....it's a lot!

But life is great and grand and I'm happy as can be. I'm loving the freelance stuff that I'm doing...it's so nice to have a "job" of sorts again. I've done a few little things off and on since starting my life as a SAHM, but this seems like it may be pretty consistent work. I hate to admit this, but I feel a little more fulfilled when I'm working. Don't get me wrong, I adore Grayson more than anything on this entire planet, and I wouldn't give up staying home with him for anything, ever. But it can leave me feeling a little...uninspired? Unappreciated? It's nice to use my brain and to meet deadlines and have something I have to do, other than change diapers and sing silly songs and play all day. All things I love (minus the diapers), but still...I'm sure you get it.

This could turn into one of those posts about women staying home vs. women working, and what that means and which is best and blah blah blah. But it won't, because I just don't care. I think women make the choice that is right for them, and that's great. I'm learning that I need a little more on my plate than just being mommy to make me feel good and happy and satisfied, and that's fine. Some women don't. Some women need a thriving career and 50 hour work weeks. I'm good with all of it.

I have no idea how I went off on that little tangent in what was supposed to be a quick "Hey, I'm still here, hope you have a great weekend!" post. But that's how my brain is running these days. Nonstop and all over the place and who knows what you're gonna get. Keeps things interesting!

But now, I actually do want to say I hope you have a super fabulous amazing weekend. Grayson has been throwing up tonight, which is always scary, but he's sleeping soundly now and I hope that means it's over and done with and we aren't looking at something that will linger over the next few days. I'm hoping that our weekend includes someone putting an offer on our house, us finding the perfect house, and some fun thrown in there somewhere.

Now for your weekly dose of cuteness. For those of you who aren't following me on Instagram (if you aren't, do it!), here are my favorite pics from the week. I must say my family seemed extra adorable this week, but I might be a bit biased ;)

Happy Friday, friends!

The Toughest Job I've Ever Had

So, motherhood is hard. Like, really hard. I am so very tired. I'm physically exhausted, mentally drained, emotionally unstable...ha, kidding about the last one ;) But seriously, the past few days I've just been feeling so worn out. It is non-stop, and there really isn't any downtime to recoup, ever.

Grayson is in this four month sleep regression phase that I guess a lot of babies go through. He fights his naps alllll day long, and when he does nap it only lasts for maybe 20-30 minutes. At night he's fidgety and waking up more often than he has been for the last several weeks. And this lack of sleep is leading to a much crankier baby than we're used to. It's tough.

Also, he's getting so big and so hard to lug around everywhere. He wants to be held all the time, so I'm carrying around an extra 16 pounds almost all day every day. My body is in a constant state of soreness. The lack of sleep added to this has had me feeling like I might drop onto the floor mid-step from the exhaustion of it all for the past couple of days.

I think the main thing that makes it hard though, aside from the actual physical aspect of things, is the realization that my life is not my own anymore. Every waking moment of my life is spent either trying to keep Grayson, Addie, or Arsen happy. I never get the chance to do anything for myself, like ever. I can't tell you the last time I sat down and read for more than five minutes, which has always been my favorite pastime and biggest stress reliever. I can't remember the last time I got to shower, dry my hair, and put my makeup on without stopping about 3-4 times in between to take care of something. I even very rarely get to enjoy a meal without holding G in one arm or waiting until he's fallen asleep and the food is cold.

But even though this is by far the toughest, most challenging thing I've ever done, I 100% can say that I would do it a million times over for this sweet baby that I adore so much. It's absolutely a sacrifice, and sometimes I feel like I just need a teeny tiny break to keep going (today Arsen watched him and I went shopping for an hour to recharge). But even though sometimes I desperately need that break, when I'm gone I am missing him the entire time. It's crazy how that works.

I would do anything in the world for that little guy. He wears me out like nothing I've ever experienced, but it is absolutely worth it. I know with each baby it will all just multiply, but I'm sure the love will, too. This whole mom thing is continuously surprising me, but in the most wonderful ways. Toughest job ever, but most rewarding by far.

Must Haves for New Mommies

Since I covered my must haves for new babies last week, today I wanted to tackle things that new mommies need. Now, a lot of my "must haves" relate to breastfeeding, because if you choose to breastfeed, it kind of consumes your world for awhile. But there are definitely a few things that I think any new mama should have on hand.

Must Haves:

• Cute, Comfy Clothes

I'm going to be honest with you. For the first probably six weeks of Grayson's life I lived in nothing but sweats, yoga pants, T-shirts and tank tops. On the rare occasion that I got out of the house I would pull myself together, but that didn't happen that often. When you are so exhausted that you can barely function and your days are running together, it just helps so much if your comfy clothes are a little bit cute. Instead of wearing old, worn out things I tried to at least put together matching, cute-enough outfits. It's the little things that make a big difference in your self-esteem in those first fragile weeks. So before you bring that baby home, treat yourself and invest in a few new "outfits". I promise it will be worth it.

• DVR/iPAD/Laptop

Those first few weeks are this hazy, far-away time that I look back on fondly. Everything seemed to run together and I felt like I was drunk on no sleep and a so-intense-I-could-barely-stand-it love for my new little baby. Things were amazing. But during the day he slept. A lot. And I sat on the couch holding him. A lot. And at night he woke up to eat. A LOT. And if I didn't have my iPad to keep me entertained I'm quite certain I would have fallen asleep nursing him every single time. And during the day I might have lost my mind if I didn't have Bravo and HGTV to keep me company. Moral of the story? Have something on hand to keep you awake...because it will be the biggest challenge of your life!

• Hand Pump

If you choose to breastfeed, it can be a little tricky to figure out what is a necessity and what you don't really need. In the first few weeks after my milk came in I was seriously engorged. Getting everything all leveled out was not easy, and the only thing that saved me some days was pumping to get some relief. I didn't pump and give G a bottle for about six weeks, so it was purely to save myself. I had Arsen run out and get me a Medela Harmony Breastpump after just a couple days. It's inexpensive and does the trick. I still use it pretty often when I'm pumping to store or if he goes too long between feedings.

• Lanolin

Again, if you are breastfeeding, this is a must. Here is the honest truth. It kinda hurts. And by kinda I mean sometimes a lot. I don't care what people say, Grayson was a champion eater from day one and never had any issues latching, and I was still super duper sore for a solid week or two. I mean, imagine what your body is going through. Of course you are going to be raw and sensitive. I lathered this stuff on every single time he ate, whenever I showered, changed clothes, etc. It's a lifesaver. Promise.

• Nursing Pads

This one is definitely not glamorous, but it's something that is an absolute necessity for a breastfeeding mom. You will leak. No getting around it. I literally have used these every single day since G was born. I tried using washable ones since I hate throwing away so much waste, but let's just say they didn't really do the job. I've had to stick with the disposable ones, but I literally couldn't get by without them. My favorites are the Lansinoh Disposable Nursing Pads. I need to buy these babies in bulk. 

• Helpful Books

Two books that I don't think I would have survived without: The Happiest Baby on the Block and The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. If you need any help with a baby who won't stop crying or have questions about breastfeeding, these two are uh-mazing. Another great one to have is What to Expect the First Year. I love reading about the milestone's Grayson should be hitting and common issues that may arise. Great resource to have on hand!

Save Your Money:

• Super Expensive Electric Breastpump

Now, this is totally a matter of opinion, and I only feel this way because of my circumstances. I originally was planning on going back to work and pumping while there, so I think the expensive, double electric pump would have been very nice to have. But now that I stay at home and breastfeed almost exclusively, this thing just doesn't get much use. And we spent over $200 on it! Ugh, it makes me so sad that we wasted that money. I hardly ever use it. I like to keep a couple of bottles on hand just in case I need to leave Grayson home or want to have a drink or something, but I honestly just use my hand pump probably 75% of the time. 

Being a new mommy can be super overwhelming/confusing/stressful, and knowing what is a necessity and what is just nice to have can be tricky to figure out. I hope that I'm able to provide a little guidance, because even though there is SO much info out there, I still somehow felt a little lost going into things. I also want to throw it out there to any soon-to-be or new mamas, if you have ANY questions or need ANY help or just need someone to listen to you vent about how tough this mama thing is, please feel free to reach out to me! I love making new friends in this wonderful bloggy land that we live in and I truly hope my experiences can help out others. So please, don't hesitate! 

Am I Still Cool?

Now that I'm a mom I'm finding that I feel like my cool factor has gone down a bit. Pushing around a stroller and hauling around a big diaper bag really don't just scream "young, wild and free". I mean, obviously, because I am really none of those things anymore. Maybe young. I'm still hanging onto my twenties by a teeny tiny thread.

Anyway, I was driving home from picking up my car from the shop about 45 minutes away the other day, and it was the first time I was alone in my car for more than maybe 5 minutes since Grayson has arrived. I took full advantage and turned my music up as loud as possible and held a private little concert. Now, I may complain to Arsen about his taste in music a lot, but I do love me some ghetto hip hop from time to time. For some reason that's what kept popping up on my iTunes, and I won't lie, I was doing my fair share of car dancing. Especially to "No Hands" (Waka Flocka? Anyone?). That one gets me every time.

And right then, in that (embarrassing) moment, I realized that I am now someone's mother. Anytime Arsen and I get the chance to go out with friends and I am having a drink and dancing up on my husband, I will be someone's mother. That is decidedly not cool.

When I was pregnant and I would get the urge to dance I always felt like Fat Monica on Friends.

So at least I don't have that feeling anymore. But I do feel somehow just...uncool. Will I be able to get my sexy back? Is that something that happens? Am I not cool for even saying "get my sexy back"? Do I just need to go out with my husband and some friends and have a couple of martinis? I don't know. But I intend to find out. And something tells me if a couple of martinis are involved, it won't matter and I'll think I'm the best dancer out there. So there's that. 

As long as no one catches anything on video we should be good. 

Must Haves for New Babies

Before I brought Grayson home I did my research on what essential items I would need for a brand new baby. I was lucky and got most of what I needed at my showers, and the rest we stocked up before he made his arrival. However, now that he's here, I've learned that each baby is totally different, and some of the essentials aren't quite so important...and other things are an absolute MUST. Here are a few of the things that I highly recommend investing in before you bring baby home.

Must Haves

• Swaddle Sacks

I suggest stocking up with several of these. There are a few different choices for types of sacks/blankets, and as the baby grows you'll discover their needs will change. When he was itty bitty we really liked the Summer Infant SwaddleMe, and now that he's getting bigger we put him in the Halo SleepSacks with his arms out. 

Keep in mind, you might get a little backed up on laundry...babies have a way of doing that to you. Babies also have a way of pooping, peeing, or spitting up on things every day. So I would have at least 3-5 of these on hand, because they truly are lifesavers. Grayson is just now outgrowing the need to be swaddled for sleep at night at three months old. If he ever wasn't swaddled before, his little arms would just flail around and keep him up...miserable for all of us!

• Baby Swing

I think just about anyone out there would agree that a swing is a must have. The first month or so we honestly didn't use it a ton and I was worried that it would go to waste. He just seemed so tiny in there, and he never really settled in and got comfy. But now, this thing is just about the only way I can get anything done around here. We have the Graco DuetConnect Swing + Bouncer and we love it. Grayson will settle into this thing and nap for a couple of hours in the afternoons. It plays music, swings, and vibrates. I wish I had an adult version of this thing.

• Diaper Genie

Good Lord Almighty, I had no idea the amount of diaper waste we would have. I considered doing cloth diapers for a hot minute, but decided it just isn't for me (I wish it was, I think it's a noble thing to do). But since we just use regular diapers, we have like, hundreds of those things to toss. It's so nice to have this sitting right next to his Pack n' Play, where we change the majority of his diapers, and I imagine it keeps the house from smelling quite unpleasant.

• Pack 'n Play

We have the Pack n' Play Playard with Newborn Napper and it has been a worthy investment. We have put this thing to good use in the first three months, and I'm pretty sure it will continue to be something we use daily. When G was teeny tiny and we weren't putting him in the swing, he napped in the little napper almost every day. The changing table was also used multiple times a day. 

We have this sitting in our living room, where we spend most of our time, and it seriously gets used more than anything else we have. Now that he's bigger we've taken out the napper and the changing table and he just lays inside for diaper changes and naps. We also packed it up and took it to Oklahoma when we went to visit and he slept in it at night with no issues. Highly recommend something like this!

Save Your Money:

• Bottles (if you're breastfeeding)

I spent so much time picking out the perfect bottle....and I still have yet to use them. I got a few Medela bottles with my pumps, and since that is what I pump into and what I store my milk in, that's what he eats out of on the rare occasion that he gets a bottle. He is not a picky baby, so he took those just fine. All of the others I got are literally going to waste and taking up valuable cabinet space.

• Tons of Adorable Outfits

This one makes me sad. Grayson has several things that he never got the chance to wear, because honestly, there just was no need to put him into a super cute outfit. We didn't go anywhere for the first six weeks or so really, so he spent all of his time in onesies. The little pants and shoes and everything are so cute, but for us, they just didn't fit with what we had going on. And now, it's over 100 outside here in Texas. I would feel bad if I put him in layers of clothes and shoes...we still pretty much stick with a cute collared onesie for our outings. Next baby, I'll plan for lots of cute outfits starting around two or three months I think.

There are a million other things that are valuable to have and make life easier for you and baby, but most of them are somewhat common sense. These are my personal "must haves" that I don't think I could have survived without. It's seriously amazing how much little babies need AND how much space their stuff takes up. I'm already trying to convince Arsen we need a bigger house ;) Good thing they're so darn cute, right?

Surprises in Parenting + A Giveaway

Going into this whole parenting thing I felt like I was pretty well prepared. I definitely did my research, and I thought I had a pretty good idea of what to expect. I knew there would be sleepless nights and countless dirty diapers and more love than I could ever imagine. I knew I would feel overwhelmed and tired and a million other emotions. Logically, I knew a large portion of the things that one should know about parenthood going into it.

But let me tell you, there were some surprises.

I would have to say that the thing that really surprised me the most about this whole baby thing is how exhausted a human being can be and still function. Now that Grayson is three months old and we are on the other side of the whole scream and cry for hours every night until he passes out from exhaustion and then wake up every two hours to eat thing, I generally feel pretty well-rested and just a little tired for the most part. But oh good Lord those first six to eight weeks...I honestly had no idea that was possible.

Looking back at things, I was definitely a bit of a zombie during that time. I have never known an exhaustion to that extreme. I'm quite sure no one other than the mother of a newborn baby has. There were moments when I honestly thought I would just pass smooth out walking across the room I was so sleepy. I can remember laying on the couch with him, rocking him and trying to get him to sleep, practically crying because I needed him to fall asleep so badly. I thought I might never wear anything other than sweatpants and baggy t-shirts because I was always covered in spit up or something worse, and I just didn't have the energy to put in the effort. I can also remember thinking it would be a loooong time until I would be ready to do this whole baby thing again.

Early on, during the zombie phase...I'm smiling because I'm delirious

But like I said, we're on the other side of things now. I generally get about eight hours of sleep a night, with two short little feedings around three and six. I have the time and energy to shower and even fix my hair and put on makeup most days! And this Saturday night when Arsen and I were at a new friends home visiting with them and their one month old teensy tiny baby....I held that sweet girl in my arms and thought, oh, I could do it all again.

And that's the beauty of parenthood. No matter how shocking it can be that you can function on three hours of sleep, covered in baby bodily fluids, exhausted to the point of tears...you would do it again in a heartbeat. That is by far the most surprising thing...how deep that love goes. That you would sacrifice it all, your sleep, your body...your sanity, really. Just to have another sweet little soul to love. Motherhood really is a beautiful thing.

So for all of you sweet mamas out there, I hope you know that I have much love and respect for you and all that you do. Now that I'm a mama myself, I feel such a kinship with anyone else who has gone on this journey before me, or anyone who is coming alongside me. I love sharing my newfound knowledge with my pregnant girlfriends, and really anyone else who will listen. You find out that you just instinctively prefer certain things for your baby, and your baby will have their preferences as well. It's all a big learning process, and I think we should all help each other out, cause let's face it, it's not easy!

This is why I want to give all of you lovely readers the chance to win some of my favorite baby products that I've used thus far. We've been super lucky that Grayson hasn't dealt with serious diaper rash, but he's definitely had his fair share of redness. Dr. Smith's has been an amazing product, and honestly I think it's a big reason why he hasn't had anything serious going on. The minute his booty even gets a hint of redness I put some of this cream on, and I kid you not, within a couple of diaper changes he is good as new. Any mama out there knows how awful you feel if your little one isn't comfy in any way, so I always feel relieved when I can get rid of that redness.

Luckily for all us, Dr. Smith's is now available nationwide at Walgreens...and even luckier for one of you out there, they are giving away a $50 gift card to Walgreens as well as some Dr. Smith's products! Simply enter below via Rafflecopter for your shot at the prize...and Good Luck!

If you can't wait to see if you're the big winner, visit doctorsmiths.com to find a retailer nearest you. 

This is a sponsored post, but all thoughts and opinions are mine.


a Rafflecopter giveaway

The Not-So-Glamorous Side of Motherhood

There are some things about being a mom that are SO much better than I could have ever imagined in a million years. The first time (and every time since) that Grayson smiled at me. The fact that sometimes the only thing that will calm him down is being in mama's arms. Seeing his eyes light up when he sees me. Makes me practically swoon just thinking about it.

So sweet. So innocent. 

BUT there are also things about being a mom that are much more disturbing than I was prepared to deal with. I read all the books and listened to all of my friends who had babies before me, but until I experienced these things first hand I didn't realize how incredibly not-at-all glamorous motherhood could be. Here are just a few of the things I deal with on the daily.

• Baby Vomit- 

Now, I knew there was a good chance I would be dealing with some spitting up here and there. My mom swears that I never spit up as a baby, only once in all of my baby-hood did I do so, and it was on my dad. So after hearing that, I thought maybe I would be so lucky. 

Ha. Not so much. Grayson started spitting up almost immediately, and for about 4 or 5 days very early on, it wasn't spitting up. It was a projectile-vomit-across-the-room kinda thing. It was terrifying. And horrifying. I had no idea a baby was capable of such a thing. Fortunately we did a little research and figured out that it was most likely dairy causing it. I immediately cut out milk, ice cream, and most other dairy-related things out of my diet, and he hasn't done it since. Now we just get to deal with regular baby vomit issues. Yay.

• Baby Poop- 

Guys. I don't know where I heard this, but for as long as I can remember, I've thought that baby poop did not smell. I never changed a diaper (on my own) until I had Grayson, so I seriously had no prior experience for comparison. But oh good God, I had no idea baby poop could be so awful. The first couple of days are just a joke. You think that's all you'll be dealing with, and then you get home and they have their first blow out diaper and you have no idea what the eff is going on. I just wasn't mentally prepared to deal with this. 

And then, if you're as lucky as I am, you get something like this little treat of a story that you can tell to all of your childless friends to scare the bejesus out of them:

A couple weeks after Grayson was born he had been sitting on my lap after eating, working on a great little present for me. I waited what I thought was a safe amount of time after I stopped hearing him do his business, and I took him over to the changing table. I started stripping him down, wiping him off, and was almost done, when an explosion of poop starts coming out right into my hands. He literally filled both of my hands with poop.  I didn't know what to do, so I just started laughing hysterically (I think I was having a small mental breakdown).  Arsen was working from home and he heard me laughing, although at the moment he thought I was crying loudly, so he comes running out into the living room. I'm just standing there, hovering over Grayson, hands full of poop, laughing like it's the most hilarious thing that has ever happened. 

That's the kind of thing no one tells you about. Pretty sure I'm scarred for life. 

• Breast Feeding...Issues

I'll try not to be as graphic as I was about the poop situation here (you're welcome) but let's just say if you choose to breast feed, your body will do some things that you might not be prepared for. I have been determined since I found out I was pregnant to breast feed, and I still plan on sticking it out until he's around a year old. It's an amazing bonding experience, and I feel such a sense of accomplishment that I can provide the very best nutrition possible for him all by myself. But let me tell you, it isn't always easy. And it's certainly not glamorous. 

When I first started pumping it was definitely strange to feel as though I was milking myself. And having breast milk all over your clothes doesn't exactly make you feel fabulous and put together. Coordinating your entire wardrobe around whether or not something is easy to nurse in can be a challenge. And if you have to deal with engorgement...holy crap, it's painful. But it's one of those things that I wouldn't give up for anything, that I'll do as long as I feel it's needed, and I'll absolutely do with every baby I have. But I do long for a time when my entire life doesn't revolve around my boobs. 

• Exhaustion

Things are so much better now that I almost hesitated to put this on here. Obviously I'm still really freaking tired because I take care of an infant 24 hours a day. But now that he is sleeping so well at night I feel like I have no room to complain at all. I'll take a little tired over I-can-barely-see-straight-or-function exhaustion any day. 

It's strange what happens throughout the birthing process. When you go in to have your baby, there are most likely going to be hours of waiting. Perfectly good hours of time when you could sleep till your hearts content (this is if you have an epidural. If not, there ain't no way you're sleeping through those contractions). But you can't sleep. You're about to have your baby! You're excited and antsy and ready to meet that little human you've been growing for so long. So you just stay awake and wait. 

And then you have them. If you're lucky enough to do it vaginally, you get to spend a good amount of time pushing a baby out of your body, which I imagine is quite exhausting. If you are as unfortunate as I was and are forced to do a stupid c-section (I'm not bitter, swear), then you get to lay there and have someone cut you open and pull a baby out of you. Neither option is fun or easy. 

And THEN you get your precious little bundle of joy. And you never sleep again. The end. 

No, but seriously, you won't sleep for weeks. Not sleep that counts, at least. If your hospital is like mine, they let you keep the baby with you around the clock. He was never out of my sight the entire time. I loved it. But I was sooooo tired. Then you go home, and that sweet little baby wants to eat every couple of hours, all day and night. For WEEKS I tell you. You do not get a chance to catch up on your sleep. And if you're like me, you will not sleep well even when you do sleep, because you will wake up every 15 minutes to put your finger under his nose or your hand on his chest to make sure he's still breathing. I swear I didn't get a solid 3 or 4 hours of sleep until he was at least six weeks old. 

......

If you're currently expecting, I apologize for this post. But not really. Because I think you should be fully prepared for what's to come. Motherhood is hands down the best thing I have ever, ever, ever done in my entire life. I am completely and totally in love and obsessed with my baby, and I cannot fathom a life without him. There has never been one second since he was born that I have been anything but overjoyed to have him. Yes, even when I was holding his poop in my hands, I still had more love in my heart for that sweet little man than I ever imagined possible. 

But motherhood is not for the weak. Not by a long shot. But it will be the best thing you'll ever do. 

SAHM

Well, it's official. Something I never truly thought would happen has happened. I popped out a baby, fell madly in love, and decided it would be the end of the world if I had to leave that precious boy for hours upon hours every day to go to work. There were tears. There was anguish. There were many, many discussions with my unbelievably supportive husband. And then a decision was made. And I'm now a stay at home mom.

 

My mom stayed home with me from day one, and I honestly believe that my childhood and teenage years were greatly improved by having her there with me. In the back of my mind I think I have always hoped I would have the chance to stay home with my babies, but it wasn't something I wanted to admit. Before I even got pregnant Arsen and I talked about the possibility of me staying home, and he made it pretty clear that he didn't think it was necessary. Or financially smart. In his mind, why would we give up my salary when most of that money could go into savings every month and give us a lot of cushion. So it was pretty much a given that I would continue working. Then I got pregnant and it wasn't even that much of a discussion. I just knew I would go back to work after my maternity leave.

And then we went and visited several daycare centers in the area. And they were so super nice and clean and safe and great. And the kids looked happy, and the workers were friendly for the most part. And we went home at the end of the day and I cried and cried and cried. I had a full on meltdown about how I didn't think I could mentally or emotionally handle leaving my sweet, sweet baby every single day for strangers to care for him for 10 hours while I worked. I would miss out on the majority of his waking hours. Someone else would most likely witness his first words, his first steps, his first everything. It made me feel physically sick just thinking about it.

So we had several discussions. And honestly, after visiting those perfectly lovely daycares, Arsen had a change of heart and said he wanted me to stay home. The guy who had always told me it was unrealistic to even think I could stay home, who said not everyone has the opportunity to stay home and I needed to just face those facts...he decided it was worth giving up that extra income in order for me to be home with our boy.

 

Even though the thought of returning to work felt like someone was ripping my heart out, it was still a very, very hard decision. My job was honestly very fulfilling, it gave me a sense of purpose, I really enjoyed my co-workers, and it was turning in a more creative direction that I was really excited about. I also couldn't imagine myself without a job. Without a place to go every single day, a to-do list to check off, and a sense of accomplishment that came along with just being a contributing member of society.

To be honest, I still am struggling with things a bit. My days are completely full of baby-care, and I'm having a hard time trying not to lose myself into all of that. I'm the type of person who needs something to do every day. I need to feel like I've accomplished something. So when my entire day is wrapped up in all of the amazing things that come with being a stay at home mommy, like cuddling my sweet baby, rocking him to sleep, playing with him, watching him learn new things, singing to him and telling him stories...when that is what I do all day and I have no time to really "accomplish" anything that I can mark off a list...I have a hard time in convincing myself that I'm contributing. I'm not bringing in money, I'm not working toward something....so it's different.

But I know that I'm incredibly, amazingly, ridiculously blessed to be able to stay home. Millions of women probably wish that they had the opportunity to stay home with their babies. I honestly don't think that I could function at work anymore...I just can't imagine not being with him. And I know so, so many people don't have this opportunity. I'm completely overjoyed that this is my life now. But I still feel the need to validate what I am doing. I'm assuming this is just part of the whole mommy thing, and I'm sure it will be an adjustment. Overall, I'm just trying to soak up every moment of delicious baby-ness and remind myself what a lucky, lucky lady I am.

5 Things I've Learned Since Becoming a Mom

Motherhood is strange. It's so amazing, but you're just so tired that sometimes you feel somewhat delirious. As the days go by I've realized that there are certain things that are just inevitable. In the little over a month that I've had this gig these are the five things that I've learned about being a mama.

1. You Will Not Sleep

Whoever came up with the phrase "sleeping like a baby" deserves to be smacked. Babies don't sleep well. They sleep often, but they don't often sleep for long periods of time. Your day will be a steady rotation of feed baby, burp baby, rock baby to sleep, lay them down for approximately 30 minutes while you try to get a million things done...then go get baby, change baby, feed baby, burp baby, etc. You can try to sneak a nap in here and there, but good luck.

And when bedtime finally arrives, you better believe baby won't go down easily. And when they do, fall asleep as quickly as you possibly can, because they will be up in roughly two hours for a little middle of the night snack.

Oh, and even when they happen to be sleeping, you probably won't. Every single sound will make you jump up and check on them. Lack of sound will make you jump up to check and make sure they are breathing. Just tell yourself that surely someday you will sleep again, and pray that you learn to function on fragmented bits of sleep for now.

2. You Will Not Eat

Just about every single time I have sat down to eat since Grayson's arrival, he has decided that that is the exact moment that he needs to eat. Or to be changed. Or to be rocked by no one other than mama. Even during the moments that he is sleeping soundly and I could eat, I forget that I should. I have too  many other things that need to be accomplished, and food is somewhat of an after thought.

Also, if you're breastfeeding your diet can become increasingly limited. Our little one has had some crazy tummy aches, so I've cut so many things out of my diet to try and help him out. So when you're limiting so many yummy things out of your diet it really isn't quiet as appealing to stuff your face.

But, this is great for getting that pre-baby body back. On Grayson's one month birthday I was three pounds away from where I was before I got pregnant. So it's not all bad....

3. You Will Not Pee, Or Shower, Or Get Dressed....

At least you won't do any of those things when you would like to. When you have a newborn in your hands for the majority of the day, doing anything becomes a challenge. I can go six hours and realize that I haven't been to the bathroom since I woke up, and, oh yeah...I actually really need to go.

Showers have to be coordinated whenever Daddy or Nana are around and can watch him, and also they need to be done soon after a feeding so no one bursts into the bathroom to disrupt your beloved shower with a baby screaming for his dinner.

And getting dressed? At this point, most days I have a "why bother?" attitude about it. I have been peed on, pooped on, and spit up on more times in the last month than I ever dreamed was possible. Why on earth would I wear anything other than yoga pants and a tank top? If I'm not leaving the house and we aren't having guests over, you better believe I'm in something stretchy that can withstand lots of bodily fluids.

4.  You Will Feel As If You Accomplish Nothing

Even though I realize that every single day I am almost solely responsible for keeping a human being alive, it can feel as if I am not getting anything done. My mile long list of to-do's just keeps getting longer because there simply is no way to get much done in the random bits of free time I get. When I do happen to get a spare 45 minutes or so, I have to choose between trying to cram in a nap, or cleaning the kitchen, or blogging, or folding the laundry. I'd say I'm about 50/50 on which I choose. A month in I'm coming to terms with this lifestyle...not much I can do about it anyway, so why not embrace it?

5. None of That Really Matters

Even though having a baby immediately makes your life all about someone other than yourself, and you lose control over just about every aspect in your life, it doesn't matter. I have begun to grasp the idea that I will basically never be alone again...at least not for long periods of time. I won't be able to sit down for three solid hours and read a book, or watch a marathon of whatever TV show Arsen and I have decided to obsess over, or wander aimlessly through Target for an hour without thinking about getting home to my little one. My life is not my own. And I'm fine with it.

I've only left him once since he's been born, and it was for approximately 45 minutes. It felt incredibly strange to be without him, and I was actually a little emotional about leaving him. I know the older he gets the easier these things will be, but it made me realize something: there will literally never be more than a few moments that go by that I'm not thinking about him. Everything I do will circle back to him. He's everything to me now. It's a strange, but lovely, realization.

Now....I must go. My son is trying desperately to wake himself up from a nap and is eating his hands. My signal that he thinks it's time for dinner. Catch ya on my next break :)

Grayson's Birth Story

In the sleep-deprived haze of the early days of Grayson's life, I've often thought of logging on here and writing his birth story. Somehow he is already a month old and I haven't found a spare moment to do it. Even though I have a million things I could be doing with the very small amount of downtime I get these days, I decided that I want to go ahead and make this a priority.  The details are already fading into distant memories, and I want to remember as much as I can about those special first days of his life. This will most likely be the longest blog post in the entire world, but to be honest I think I'm doing this more for me (and Grayson someday, if he chooses to read this) than anything else.

Let me start at the beginning. From about the midway point of my pregnancy, my doctor (who I love) had been making comments about the fact that the baby was measuring big and it was concerning her a bit. I'm a small girl, but not incredibly so, so I was always surprised that she thought I might not be able to carry him to term or to deliver him the way I wanted, which was absolutely, positively NO C-section. Around 30 weeks she said that since he was measuring so big we would wait it out until 39 weeks if I made it that far and then do a final ultrasound to see how big he was and to talk about inducing. Another thing I was 100% against. So for the final few weeks of my pregnancy I was praying/crossing fingers/wishing on stars that I would naturally go into labor on my own before that 39 week mark. Well, that just wasn't meant to be apparently.

On the morning of April 23rd, we went in for my 39 week sonogram. At this point we knew that most likely I would be induced sometime in the next week and we were pretty much prepared. After the appointment that morning I had plans to get a spray tan (priorities you know),  vacuum the house, clean our guest bathroom...all of the ridiculous things that don't really matter but when you are in that "nesting" phase feel absolutely positively essential.

When we got the sonogram that morning we were told he was no longer measuring too big, he was pretty much right on track. The ultra sound tech said she was guessing his weight to be around 7 1/2 to 8 pounds. Much better than the 8 plus we had been warned about. She said everything looked good measurement wise...and then she dropped the bomb. My fluid was measuring very low...not quite dangerously, but enough that she said "Well, looks like you'll be having a baby today!". Umm...oh my.

At that point I think all of the reality of what was going on slammed Arsen and I both in the face. I said something about my plans to go home and clean and she informed me that she doubted my doc would let that happen. So after about 10 agonizing minutes of waiting alone in a room with shocked looks on our faces and making little comments about what needed to be done IF in fact today was the day and me going into a slight panic about the fact that I reallyreallyreally did NOT want to be induced, my doctor walked in and said "OK, so we're having this baby today!".

She told us to go home and grab our hospital bags and then to go get checked in. Everything started happening so fast and I was so overwhelmed...even though I knew in the back of my head that this was a possibility, I still couldn't believe it was really time.

We went home and got our bags, took a few last minute photos, and I said a long, somewhat-tearful goodbye to my baby Addie. That was honestly the hardest thing for me to deal with probably this entire pregnancy, and I know people may think I'm slightly crazy because she's "just a dog", but I knew the minute we came home with a tiny little baby her whole world would be turned upside down. It's something I've stressed about since day one. And to be honest, it isn't as bad as I thought it might be. But it's not as good as I hoped it would be either. I'm sure there's another post on that coming soon.

We headed off to the hospital around 12:30, and it's just a short 15 minute drive from the house thankfully. Once we got all checked in to the hospital and I changed in to my gown, they hooked me up to all kinds of monitors and started my IV right around 2 PM. Then after just a few minutes they started that dreaded Pitocin drip.

Going into this whole thing I had very definite ideas of what I wanted my labor and delivery process to be like. I had a birth plan, and being the type of person that I am, I wanted to control the entire situation and stick to the plan as closely as possible. I wanted a vaginal birth, with no meds if at all possible (I wasn't totally against an epidural, but I wanted to see if I could do it), and my number one thing was that I absolutely did not want a C-section. More than anything in this world I wanted to experience everything about delivering my sweet baby, having him put immediately onto my chest, and starting the bonding process right away. I had been dilated to a one for a few weeks, and by this point was "almost" at a two, so I did have some hope that my body was starting things off on its own. But I knew that being induced with Pitocin meant that my contractions would most likely be more painful, and that can lead to an increased risk in having an epidural. I also knew that all of this can lead to an increased risk of C-section. So I wasn't too happy to be starting that way.

After the drip was started, Arsen and I just pretty much relaxed for awhile. My contractions started pretty quickly, but they weren't too bad. I played on the iPad, emailed my boss and co-workers, looked around on Facebook and Pinterest a bit. It was strangely calm. It didn't really feel like what I thought it might. Eventually mine and Arsen's parents showed up, and everyone was just sitting in the room waiting on something to happen. They kept upping the dosage they were giving me of the Pitocin because I wasn't really reacting.

Around 5 PM my doctor came to check on me, and I was still just between a two and a three. At this point my contractions were getting to be extremely painful. It's strange how you wonder what they will feel like and no one can really explain it. To me, it just felt like the worst cramps I had ever had in my entire life. Where that is literally the only thing that I could see, hear or feel. I put in my headphones and played my birth playlist that I had created, but even that wasn't helping. On a monitor we could see when the contractions would start and stop in little peaks and valleys, and at one point I had one that stayed elevated for well over ten minutes. I honestly thought the pain would never end. I pride myself on having a high pain tolerance and not being a big complainer (Arsen, stop laughing), but that almost broke me. At that point everyone was saying if I needed an epidural to get one. One nurse said "You don't get an award for holding out longer, you know." She checked me to see how I was progressing and I was still just in between a two and three, so I knew this was going to be a long, long process. So around 7 PM I decided to get the epidural.







Everyone left but Arsen, and he stood in front of me and held my hands while they had me bend forward in the bed and sit "Indian Style" (I think they call it Criss Cross Apple Sauce these days haha) to get the shot. The numbing portion definitely was painful, but nothing too ridiculous. However, something happened that caused my left leg to spasm and shoot almost straight out and start twitching a bit. It was the strangest, most involuntary motion I've ever made, and it scared me to death. Of course I had done all the research on all the awful side effects of epidurals, and I think the immediate thought that I was going to be paralyzed or something flew through my mind when that happened. That's when I lost it for the first time. I started crying and couldn't hardly stop. Thank GOD for the amazing, supportive, sweet, kind-hearted man that I married. He said all the right things and wiped my tears and calmed me down like no one else could. Throughout this entire ordeal he really saved my sanity so many times. I'll be forever thankful to him for that.

My doctor came back around 9 PM to check on me, and at that point I was finally at a four. She said the baby was fine, but that his head was swelling (can't remember the technical term she used) because of being stuck in the birth canal for so long already and that when he was born we could expect a cone head. She went home at that point and said she would be back around 1 AM to check on things.

From there, everyone pretty much started dozing off. Everyone but me, that is. I knew I needed to sleep, but I was so apprehensive about everything that I just couldn't. I mainly just laid in bed staring at the TV but not really watching. Things weren't going how I hoped, and I think it had me a little uneasy.  The next four hours are kind of a blur of listening to the baby's heart on the monitor, a little small talk, and laying around doing nothing but waiting.

When my doctor came back at 1 AM she checked me and informed me that I was still just at a four. She let me know that she just didn't think I would get to where I needed to be. She said we could wait until 3 and check again, but she didn't see me making much progress. We discussed how this was something we had talked about for months, and that it was just probably not going to happen for me the way I had hoped. She was very kind and encouraging, and she told me it was completely up to me. She said the baby wasn't in distress and that I was doing OK. But she made it clear that her opinion was that I needed the C-Section. The nurses said similar things. At this point I was starting to feel all my dreams of my ideal delivery slip away. I asked everyone but Arsen to leave. And that's the second time I lost it.

Making the decision to have the C-Section was the hardest decision I think I've ever had to make. I was so, so determined to have the delivery that I had hoped for, and it was just so incredibly hard to let that go. Arsen held me and let me cry and mourn the loss of my dream, and he said all the right things to encourage me and let me know he would support whatever decision I made. But he made the point that the little guy had been working hard to get out for hours, and he knew he (the baby) and I both were getting tired. We decided that we would go ahead with the C-Section.

After being prepped for surgery, rolled back, and having the procedure done, it was all over in less than an hour. To say that it was strange to lay on a table and know that someone was removing my baby from my womb while I couldn't feel a thing is a major understatement. I kept a smile on my face and tried to convince myself that I was OK with what was happening, but it was definitely tough for me.

But then at 2:08 AM on April 24th, Grayson made his entrance into the world, and the minute he was held up over that curtain and I saw him, it didn't matter anymore. They took him and wrapped him up and handed him to Arsen right away, and he brought him over to me within seconds. Seeing his face was one of the most indescribable things I've ever experienced. I was overwhelmed with feelings, but more than anything I just felt completely overjoyed to finally have him here with us. They did all of his measurements and wiped him down a bit, and then they took him back to my labor room with Arsen while I was being sewed up. Definitely not at ALL the experience I was hoping for, but like Arsen kept reminding me, all that matters is that we had a healthy, happy baby boy.

After I got back to my labor room everything becomes a bit of a blur. Grayson was screaming. And when I say screaming, I can't express how loud these cries were. And he just wouldn't stop. The baby nurse brought him over and we tried to get him to nurse to calm him down, we did skin to skin, we did everything she suggested, and he just. wouldn't. stop. It was awful. And terrifying. And then the nurse said something about the fact that we had to get him to stop screaming because it could cause him to have a collapsed lung. Are you kidding??? Worst thing in the WORLD you could say to a brand new first time mama. I was more scared than I've ever been in my entire life, but it was almost like I was in shock. My mom said she could tell I was stressed, but on the inside I felt like everything was falling apart.

They transferred us to my new room after about an hour in recovery and he continued to scream off and on there. I can't remember how long it was before he completely calmed down, but by about 5 AM when Arsen's mom left we had a handle on things. I was finally able to just lay in bed with my little guy and enjoy him. It was amazing. It was beautiful. It was all of the things I had been hoping and dreaming it would be, and it was finally, finally happening.



We had several visitors over the next couple of days, both family and friends, and it all passed in a blur of sleep, breastfeeding, nurses coming and going, and much more pain than I was expecting. Since I hadn't planned on the C-Section, I was not mentally prepared to be recovering from surgery. I hate feeling helpless, and I totally was. Arsen had to help me to the shower, help me undress, and then basically bathe me. I will never, ever doubt how much that man loves me. To see me in that state and to never flinch and to tell me I was beautiful and doing a great job as a mommy and to continually encourage me....sometimes I'm pretty convinced he is actually the best guy on this planet.

Those first couple of days as a mama were beautiful. It is honestly impossible to explain the love you have for your child, but I'm sure I'll never stop trying. In my eyes, Grayson is the most beautiful, advanced, perfect baby I have ever seen, and I'm sure I will think he is the most amazing toddler, little boy, teenager, and man in the world until the day I die. Seeing Arsen with him melts my heart, and to see how naturally this whole fatherhood thing has come to him has made me fall more in love with him every day.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have this gorgeous little baby, the best husband I could have ever hoped for, and the sweetest little pup who I still adore with all my heart. Life is at once amazing, exhausting, overwhelming and blissful, and I wouldn't trade a second of it.