Wifely Duties

You guys ready for some brutal honesty? When I was going into my marriage with the husband I was hauling some pretty heavy baggage with me. I had some very negative feelings about what it meant to be a wife, to be married, for him to be my husband - and it made me feel kind of weird. On one hand, I couldn't wait to get married to the love of my life and start this new journey together. But on the other hand, I was slightly terrified of what marriage might do to us.

My parents are divorced. I don't think that all of the negative feelings I had at the time were a result of this, but of course they are tied to it in some ways. They didn't get divorced until I was 22 or 23, so I wasn't really as affected by it as I would have been when I was younger. However, they didn't have the ideal relationship when I was growing up, so I think I held on to a lot of that. I knew very much what I didn't want my marriage to be like, but I wasn't sure how to avoid it because it was basically all I knew. 

I also just had a lot of negative stuff going on when it came to the whole "submissive" side of being a wife. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I am NOT a submissive person. No. Nope. No way. I am hardheaded and stubborn and convinced that I am right basically at all times. I very specifically would not let the pastor at our wedding use the verse about wives submitting to their husbands because NO. 

Another factor was the family that I was marrying into. My husband's family is not only very traditional but from another culture that puts a lot of value on the more traditional gender roles. The men are very dominant, and the women spend a lot of time in the kitchen, serving everyone and taking care of everyone else before they do anything for themselves. Their culture is really amazing and I see a lot of beauty in it now, but going in it was another "umm NO" thing for me. 

Take all of this stuff, mix it all together and you have the recipe for a very not so great wife. I don't think that I've been a bad wife, necessarily, but I definitely haven't done my best. Because I haven't wanted to. Because if I do these things for my husband, if I willingly cook and clean and pick up his dry cleaning and whatnot, what does that say about me as a modern woman? It's not 1955, I am nobody's housewife (ahem, yes you are), I will NOT be bossed around. 

I hate to admit it, but this is the attitude that I've had for much of our marriage. But as I learn and grow as a person and he and I learn and grow in our marriage, over time I've begun to see things a bit differently. He doesn't want a submissive wife - I don't even think he would enjoy it if I were. I'm sure he likes that I stand up for what I believe in, that I'm willing to debate and engage in a "healthy discussion" when it comes to my own wants and needs - after all, he married me knowing what I was like. But I don't need to have such a hard attitude about things. He's a damn good husband, I need to appreciate that more and be a more understanding wife. 

Of course it's hard. I mean, I hate to cook, and really have to be in the mood to enjoy cleaning. Organizing, sure I'll do that all day long, but cleaning toilets and scrubbing bathtubs? Vom. I hate it. But let's be real. He works nonstop all day every day so I can stay home and raise these sweet babies of ours - shouldn't I handle my wifely duties with a happy heart? Umm yes, I'm pretty sure I should. 

Don't get me wrong, I've always been good to spoil him and buy him fun gifts and cook him meals (sometimes) and keep the house clean and value his opinion and all of that. But I also think I've done all of this with the lingering thought somewhere in the back of my mind that I always need to be sure that I never let him forget that I'm his equal. I may be the wife and he may be the husband, but this is a partnership. And it is. We have a really great relationship overall, we communicate super well, and we have a lot of fun together. I honestly consider him my best friend - so why shouldn't I try and take care of him and our home and everything the best that I can? 

Does anyone else out there struggle with this? Am I the only "modern" girl who has bristled at the thought of a more traditional marriage? I'm genuinely curious if this is a common theme with my generation, or if all of the aforementioned factors are what caused it. Let me know in the comments! 

Invest

Last year instead of doing a New Years resolution, I decided to choose a word to focus on for the year. I'm sure you've heard of this idea, it seems pretty popular in the blogging world. But I must say, it was seriously a great thing for me. The word that I chose last year was Joy, and I can honestly say it was the most joyful year of my life. I think it was always in the back of my head that it was supposed to be my focus for the year, and I just really embraced the idea of looking at everything that happened with a joyful heart. I loved it. So I decided to do it again this year.

Joy came to me easily last year. Almost as soon as I decided to choose a word I knew joy was the one. This year has been much harder. I have a lot of things I want to work on this year, but I just couldn't come up with something that would really include everything I was thinking. After going back and forth on a few, I decided on Invest.

Invest will allow me to really focus on everything I'm hoping this year will be. Instead of a few goals here and there that I want to accomplish, it's really more of a new mindset, a new way of approaching life.

I want to invest in my family - I have a lot of new things I want to do as a family, like dinners around the table instead of one of us feeding/watching G while the other eats, I want to make it a point to read to Grayson every night at bedtime, I want to establish a better day-to-day routine for us that makes life simple.

I want to invest in myself - I almost chose health as my word, because I really want that to be a big thing this year - healthier eating, healthier habits, regular exercise, etc.

I want to invest in my own and my family's spirituality. I don't know that I've really touched on it on the blog, but I've got some major hang ups with religion and Christianity, but I feel like I'm finally at a point where I can look at things with an open heart and try to make some changes.

I want to invest in my relationships - with the husband, with Grayson, with my parents, friends, family, and so on.

I want to invest in my community - I have some ideas for how I want to give back, and I'm sure I'll do a future post or two about how it goes.

So that is my word for the new year. I feel good about it. I feel like I'm already on the right track in a lot of ways. Life certainly has it's challenges, but things are pretty dang good at the moment. I just want to make it all as good as it can be. I feel super blessed to be where I'm at, so I want to pour myself more into the things and people that matter most to me. So here's to a fabulous year for everyone! I hope you're all as excited about getting started on 2015 as this girl.

Making Marriage Work

Marriage isn't easy. I'm sure you've heard that before, yes? But seriously, even if you're lucky enough (as I thankfully was) to marry your best friend who also happens to be a thoughtful, considerate man, it is still not easy. 

Arsen and I have been together for a little over five years now. We've certainly had our ups and downs, but for the most part I can honestly say that we have a pretty great relationship. I'm almost positive that any relationship between a man and a woman will have some conflict here and there, because let's be honest, we're basically different species. But we've figured out several important things that we focus on that make things work for us. 

Compromise

I'm pretty sure that in every relationship advice article ever written compromise is near the top of the list. But that's because it's so incredibly important. As I said before, men and women are different creatures. We think differently, we feel differently, we have different interests and different things that annoy us. Arsen and I make an effort to compromise almost daily. He helps me out around the house and with Grayson and I help him out while he's working insane hours at his job. I support his sports teams and he supports my shopping habit. Give and take, people. It works.

Talk It Out

I think this may be the most important thing in our relationship. Arsen and I discuss everything. If either of us is ever feeling overwhelmed, annoyed, unappreciated, etc., we talk about it. Thankfully we've been good at this since day one pretty much, and I think it has really been the key to us having such a successful relationship.

Share the Work

Now that I'm staying home with Grayson we have a more "traditional" situation going on. I typically do most of the housework and the cooking and the taking care of the baby, and Arsen works. However, Arsen still helps me out around the house a good deal. Even though he likes to joke around about me "not working", I think he realizes that I actually am working super hard every day raising our baby. So he'll help me cook, pick up the house, put Grayson to sleep, etc., anytime he sees that I need it. 

Laugh Together

It's so easy to get bogged down with the every day routine, that you fall into a pattern of get up-go to work-come home-cook dinner-watch TV-go to bed, rinse, repeat.  You can get so wrapped up in the monotony that you forget the reason that you got together in the first place. For Arsen and I, we got together in the beginning because we had so much fun together. Of course, laughing it up every day and having a blast was quite a bit easier when we were college kids with very little responsibility. But we still like to joke around and have fun as often as possible. If we feel like things are getting a little too serious or strained, then one of us will usually bring it up and make sure we get back to where we need to be.

Make Out

I'm totally serious. When you're in the early stages of a relationship you spend hours cuddling, kissing, holding hands, whatever. Then you get a couple of years into things and you can go days without actually taking the time to physically connect. I'm not talking about doing the deed (also important in a marriage), but actually making out like two kids in love. It takes you back to that silly, giddy feeling that you had in the beginning. So needed sometimes.

Now tell me: What are your keys to marriage (or relationship) success??

Letting Go of the Past

via

When I look back on my life, I can say I've lived a pretty great one up to this point. Growing up I always felt secure and loved by my parents. I knew I would always have whatever material things I needed. I was blessed with many good friends. Sure, I wished my parents would have gotten along and I always wanted siblings to make things a little less lonely, but for the most part I have to say I had a good childhood.

Things got a bit more complicated when I entered high school. Due to some pretty dumb decisions on my part, I spent the majority of my time in high school in a toxic relationship. The guy I was with was older and out of school. He was into some not so great things and didn't treat me very well at all. Looking back, I feel as if I wasted more than three years of my life, that I missed out on so many things that most high schoolers experience, that I let him ruin so many meaningful things for me....

The funny thing is that when I think of that time and of him, I don't feel bad for myself or have anger or resentment for what he did to me. Instead, I feel sad for the innocent, naive girl that I was then. It's like I'm looking at someone else's life whenever I think back to that time. Before I was with him I had never had a boy treat me poorly. I had never had a boy put me down, or disrespect me, or break my heart. I had never been cheated on, never been lied to, never been let down over and over again.

When I look back at that time in my life, it seems so far away. I can honestly say it was by far the worst three years of my life. I struggled immensely all that time with severe depression, I'm sure partly because of the things I was dealing with, but also because in my earlier years I was just prone to that. When I think of that time, for the most part, it's almost like there was a dark cloud covering everything. It makes me sad for the girl that I was. I want to give her a hug, tell her that someday it will be so much better, that she'll meet a man who respects her and treats her wonderfully and will never lie or cheat or hurt her heart.

When I look back at that time, I sometimes still get angry at him. For taking advantage of a younger girl  who thought he was funny and cute and had never been with a "bad boy" before. For taking my innocence and for hurting me repeatedly for years as if it didn't phase him at all. I no longer feel any of the pain, not even an ounce. I think somehow Arsen undid any damage any previous guys caused by loving me so completely. But the anger I still feel, not for myself, but for that innocent girl I once was. She deserved so much better.

When He Met She

When A and I met, we were both in college at Oklahoma State University (the best school in all the land but that's beside the point). To say that neither of us were looking for a relationship is a huge understatement. I had just gotten out of a relationship a couple of months before, and A was in the midst of very intentional single streak in his life. Let's just say I had heard of him long before I ever met him.

We both had one major focus in our lives. Having fun. Period, end of story. And in the past for both of us relationships did not equal fun. Not one bit.

One night in the summer of 2008 two of my best friends and I decided to venture over to Oklahoma City. School was out, we didn't have much going on, so we went to stay with my mom who lived in a suburb of the city and went out. I don't remember too much that went on that night, but I have one incredibly clear memory. We were walking through the bar, and I saw this guy standing on a raised surface (a stage? a bar? who knows.) doing something that resembled the Dougie. He was surrounded by girls, and he had a fauxhawk which immediately got me. At that point in my life crazy hair was the number one thing that attracted me to a guy. (No, I don't know why. It was a strange phase.) Anyway, this guy was a really good dancer. Two points for random bar guy.

At this point my friend Laura says "Oh my God! That's A! He goes to OSU!". Then she turns around to look at me and says "You should totally date him". My immediate thought was, yes, I totally should.

After summer was over and we were back in the swing of things in Stillwater, my best friend Katie and I spent the majority of our time "socializing". Otherwise known as going out every night of the week. (Don't judge, we were young) Wouldn't you know, this just so happened to be A's favorite activity as well.

So I had my eye on him. In fact, I had already determined that he would, in fact, be mine. Slightly creepy? Yes. But I make no apologies.

The thing was...A wanted nothing to do with me. Katie was friends with him and all of his friends, so that was my in. We would pass by him at the bar, Katie would tell him hi, he would give her a friendly hug, I would stand there and try to look friendly and approachable....and nothing. Not even a glance in my direction. I can recall several instances that this happened. It was SO frustrating.

Finally, on one glorious football Saturday, we spoke. Katie and I were sitting at the bar at Chili's having margaritas, and A and a group of his friends came in. Katie and I had just decided to leave, so I was a little upset, but I was still giddy with excitement because I knew she would go talk to them before we left. We walked over, and I positioned myself directly behind where he was sitting at the bar. (man, I sound like such a creeper) He wasn't paying any attention to me, and I knew we were about to leave, so I said the first thing I could think of. I pointed at his drink and I said "What's that?". 

Good one. He answered that it was a Bloody Mary, and I asked what that was...stimulating conversation here, people. After he told me and I said something awesome like "Oh, that sounds so nasty!", he turned back around to the bar. Defeat.

But then! Then he turned to look at me and said "I really like your hair". And that was it.

But that's all that I needed. I knew that I had him! I mean, he liked my hair, hello! A couple of days later I was in my room in the apartment that I shared with three friends, and I logged into Facebook for some daily stalking. And he had requested my friendship. OMG. I took off running into the living room where Katie was watching Family Guy and eating an entire sleeve of saltine crackers (just a guess, but she did this a lot) and I yelled out "Katie! Oh my God! A just added me on Facebook!!!". She was so sweet and said "Yay CeCe!!!" and celebrated with me. Months later she would tell me that he had requested her friendship the same day, she just didn't want to ruin it for me.

However, this was the beginning of a beautiful thing, this Facebook friendship. One night Katie and I ended up at what turned out to be A's house. Honestly, I had no idea...I wasn't THAT big of a stalker. But much to my disappointment he wasn't home. So when I got home that night I messaged him and said I had been at his house, where was he? He wrote back the next morning and said he was in Arkansas, why was I at his house? And I was in.

Thankfully, the next time we saw A and his friends out, he actually acknowledged that I existed. We started talking and flirting, and before you know it, we were "a thing". You see, I still didn't want a real relationship, I just wanted the cute boy to flirt back and pay attention to me. And he didn't want one either. Or so we thought.

We were inseparable. Every free minute we had we spent together. Literally. I remember one of my roommates asking what I would do if this "thing" between me and A turned into something serious, and I insisted that we were just hanging out and having fun, nothing serious could ever come of it.

Fast forward two months down the road, and A was sitting on his couch whispering in my ear that he loved me while all our friends drank wine and were laughing and joking around us. A couple of months from that, we were discussing marriage. Not like, planning to get married soon, but just knowing that it would happen.

So the moral of the story here people, is that you never know. If you would have told me that night at the bar in OKC that I would marry the crazy dancing guy with the fauxhawk I would have laughed in your face. But here we are, four years later. Isn't life funny?