Your Story

Have you ever tried to write down your story? Like, the story of who you are and why you are the way you are, and the people who played a part in shaping you into this fully-formed human that you've become? Well, as of last week, I have. And let me tell you, it isn't easy.

The table of ladies that I sit with at bible study have decided to share our stories - our stories of who we are and how we've come to the place that we are with God. Instead of finding a time to do this in person, because that would take an insane amount of time, we've decided to share them in our private Facebook group. So I'm now faced with the task of summarizing my entire life basically into a few paragraphs.

These women have no idea what they got themselves into, because I am certainly not one for brevity. I am allll about the details, and I have a hard time holding back. I'm kind of an open book, which can be good and bad. So when I sat down to try and sum up 31 years of life, man - it was tough.

It also made me look a bit closer at some of the things in my past that I rarely think about anymore. The people who have hurt me. The reasons I stayed away from church for so long. The intense dislike I had for everything related to Christianity for so many years, and the feelings behind that. I started to remember details that I think I'd suppressed. It caused me to peek into some moments in my life that make me feel a little nauseous when I think about them.

But it also made me feel so incredibly grateful. So grateful for the upbringing that I had, the morals that were instilled, the security that I have always had knowing how loved and cherished I am. It made me grateful for the hard lessons that I've had to learn, for the painful challenges that I've overcome. It let me see that even when I had completely turned my back on God, that He was right there. I have no doubt that He has guided my steps throughout my life. Every little thing that I've experienced has taught me something in some way. The hardest things that I swore would actually kill me at the time - I learned SO many incredible lessons from them. It was all worth it. It led me to this place.

Even though my husband and I have not been seeking God throughout our relationship, I know for a fact that God has been guiding us. And to be honest, it's mainly me that has not been seeking Him. My husband has an unshakeable faith, and prays on a regular basis and has always felt that everything happens for a reason. I have been the doubter, the pessimist, the one who at times felt hopeless. His faith has honestly helped to carry me through over the years.

But now that I'm on this path of seeking God and His will for my life, I can so clearly see that my past has had a great purpose. I don't know how it will be used, but I know that there are parts of my story that will help others. There are other women out there who can absolutely relate to the things that brought me to this point. My story is my own, it is unique and beautiful and hard and sad and full of joy, all at once.

If you haven't ever taken the time to write down your own story, I highly encourage it. It honestly felt a bit like a therapy session, combing through all of the details and making note of the ones that influenced me the most. Self discovery and reflection seems to be a big part of this faith journey, at least for me, but I must say that it has been incredibly enlightening and healing in many ways.

All The Pretty

I've really been doing some soul searching lately about what I want to do with this little blog of mine. I was ready to call it quits there for awhile - and basically did. I've come back here and there, and was mostly maintaining it as a baby book for my kids. Riveting stuff for everyone else, I know. But after feeling super encouraged to continue on with the whole writing thing lately, I knew it was time to try and do this thing again. I absolutely love writing, but I've just always struggled with exactly what I wanted to do with this space.

I've struggled for a couple of different reasons. For one, I've always felt like I need to choose a niche, decide what my "thing" is, and stick with it. But I don't have a thing. I'm all over the place. I'm serious, I'm funny, I'm heartfelt, I'm stressed, I'm just about everything under the sun. As I'm sure most of you reading are as well. So deciding to make this a "mom blog" or a "home decor blog" or whatever else it might be never felt like a good solution for me. I need the freedom to blog about whatever I'm feeling right at the moment. 

Another, and probably the number one most major, reason that I struggle is because of ALL THE PRETTY. Alllllll the pretty in the blogging/Instagram/Pinterest online world. One of the amazing speakers at Hope Spoken touched on this, and I totally connected with every single thing she said. Sure, I love to blog. But my blog will never be so very very pretty. I'm not a photographer, so I'll never have the beautiful photos. I'm not a model, so I'll never LOOK effortlessly beautiful in photos. I'm no real fashionista, so taking outfit shots and posting them feels ridiculous. There are so many things that I'm NOT. Bloggers seem to have the most amazing lives, and while yes, my life is pretty dang amazing most of the time, it is also so very REAL. There is so much that is not very pretty, and I am just not good at hiding my realness.

So even though I'm not a big comparison person, and I don't feel jealous or long for the things these other bloggers have, I still felt inadequate when it came to my own personal blog. I just couldn't imagine that anyone would come back to a blog lacking all the beautiful things.

But, in this new path that I'm walking in to the world of all the God things, I'm just having so many little revelations along the way. When it comes to my blog, I think the key is in my realness. In my opening up and letting people see what is behind any pretty facade that you may see. Sharing my trials and my frustrations and the lessons that I'm learning and the struggles that I'm going through.

I mean, sometimes it's just so nice to know that you aren't alone. Sometimes it's so nice to hear that yeah, my kid drives me nuts too, just like yours. Yeah, my husband and I get annoyed with each other if we go too long without a date night away from the babies. Yes, my house is a complete and utter embarrassment of a mess at least once a week. And I don't think that I should have to hide those things in order to gain more blog readers or Instagram followers. I mean, I totally understand why people follow all of the oh so beautiful blogs. I do it. I do it and it inspires me and I find so many gorgeous things I want to do and try and buy and whatnot. But I also love it when I read a post that just hits me right in the gut and I'm like YES I totally feel you. So I think my blog may be less of the oh man that's just so fabulous and more of the oh girl I so get you.

So who knows. We shall see what comes of this new agenda of mine. Stuff's about to get real up in here people. Don't get too excited, because I don't have any dirty little secrets or anything, but I do live a very real life with two very small people and one very male husband, so trust me - it's not as glamorous as one might think.

I hope at least some inspiration can be found. I hope at least this might become a place where a mom or a wife or just a woman in general could come to commiserate or to find some hope or encouragement. I want this space to be comfortable, to be welcoming. I want the people who stumble in here to feel like they've found a cozy spot to hang out for a bit. Honestly, I want it to feel like I hope my home feels to my friends. Come curl up on my metaphorical sofa and let's just chat about life. Hopes, dreams, frustrations - all of it. Nothing's off limits here. So if you're in to that kind of thing, stick around and let's see where this goes.

God Things

via

Life can be really, really funny sometimes. Not necessarily funny haha, but funny like what on earth is going on...and that's kind of how my life is right now. There is so so so so much background to what's going on that I won't get into right now, but basically, some weird God stuff is going on in my life and it is blowing my mind.

This probably isn't something that anyone would notice, but I have most likely never, ever mentioned God on this blog before. That's because for the past almost 13 years I have had basically nothing to do with God, with Christianity, or with anything relating to either of those things. In a former life I was very into the whole God/Church thing for quite some time, and then - I wasn't. Some things happened that made me very bitter and hurt me a lot, and I pretty much turned my back on all of it.

One of the things that hurt me the most was just the hypocrisy of so many "church people". I knew that I never, ever wanted to be associated with that in any way. So I decided at the age of 18 that if I was ever going to be a Christian again, I would be all in. Until that point, I just didn't need it. And I have lived a very, very happy and content life all these years without any acknowledgment of God.

Of course this kind of freaked A out, because he just has this unwavering faith, and he couldn't understand my aversion. I would say it wasn't necessarily that I didn't believe in God, but I just wasn't totally sure and didn't feel like I needed that in my life. My mom is another person who tried many, many times to talk with me about things, but I always just said that until I felt like something was missing from my life, I had no desire to pursue that. And honestly, I have been perfectly, completely happy without it.

But over the past couple of months some interesting things have been happening. For one, I've been involved with the MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group at a local church for the past two years. Quite honestly, I did it just because a friend was and kind of rolled my eyes at the Christianity side of it. But suddenly, a couple of months ago, I had the intense desire to volunteer to be a table leader next year. Hmm. OK, that's kind of strange since being a leader at a church thing probably requires some kind of faith - but I went with it and volunteered. I also very randomly one day went online to search for ways to get involved in the church and found a women's bible study I wanted to join. Umm, what? Seriously, it's like something was taking over my brain/body and I would do these things and then kind of wake up and realize what I'd done later.

I also decided that I wanted to start going to the church where we go to MOPS. I talked with A about it, and we decided to try it out. He has never really been to a non-denominational church since he has always attended the Armenian church here in Dallas, but he was open to trying it out. We went a few Sundays ago, and the message seemed like it was made for A - it was about taking the time to rest, that you shouldn't work 24 hours a day, God made you to work but he also made you to rest, and so on. Since I haven't been blogging really I haven't posted about this, but A is basically advancing like crazy at work, and he is working nonstop. Non. Stop. He asked if I knew what the message was beforehand because it was so crazy how much he related to it. Then they also did communion, which let him see that even though the church may not be as traditional as what he's used to, they still have traditions that are important to him. So I felt like us being there that day was kind of a "meant to be" thing since he went in a little skeptical.

I've also been having just a lot of clarity on issues that I've always struggled with in life. For seriously the past twenty years I have felt like I have some greater purpose. I've never known what it is, but I've had feelings about certain things. The problem is, it's always seemed so far out of the realm of possibility, and also, there are way too many things that I have an interest in to choose which to pursue. I want to do this and that and this and that, and it becomes overwhelming so I just don't do anything. At all. I've felt almost like I've been stalled in this area of my life, and I couldn't figure out a way to get out of the cycle of dreaming so many dreams and being almost paralyzed when it comes to chasing them. I sat down the other day and started brainstorming, and things just started coming to me. Idea after idea, and all of the sudden I felt like I had the answer: I don't have to choose. I can pursue them all. Every single dream, every single idea that has been with me for all these years, I can do it. I honestly never even felt that was an option before because it felt too big. But suddenly it just seemed like that was the answer. So I've been working on things that before I thought were out of my reach.

And then. The craziest thing happened. I somehow stumbled upon this podcast Mom Struggling Well. Can't remember how. And I'm not so sure that I realized that it was a Christian podcast. But as I was driving around last Thursday while the kids slept (which is the only way Grayson will nap nowadays) I started listening to episode one. And I was so incredibly touched by what I heard that I immediately went on Instagram and searched for the woman who was interviewed that episode. I found her page, and the photo that she had most recently posted was of her in the Nashville airport, headed to Dallas for a women's conference called Hope Spoken. Now, I had heard of this conference before because I have followed one of the women who started the conference on social media for years. But I never felt like it was something I should go to because it was for Christian women - aka, very much NOT me. But Thursday I commented on her post and said something about how I had just heard her story on Mom Struggling Well and was so touched, and wished I had gotten a ticket to the conference. Almost immediately she commented back, as well as another sweet girl who said she heard people were still selling tickets. Then she tagged another girl who had a ticket for sale. And within about an hour I had contacted this other girl, talked to A, talked to my mom, and made arrangements for me to attend this Christian women's conference that I had NO business being at.

So I went. Alone. To a conference full of HUNDREDS of Christian women. So. Out. Of. My. Comfort. Zone. But I just knew I needed to be there. And man, did I need to be there. It was amazing. I met so many amazing women. I  heard so many heartfelt, inspiring stories. I realized how insanely out of the Christian loop I have been, because I didn't know any of the praise and worship songs, didn't know any of the authors or books or movies they were talking about. But to be in a place where I should have felt so out of place, I have never felt more welcomed. I have never felt like I absolutely knew I was where I needed to be. I have never had such inspiring conversations and felt just such a - I'm actually not sure what it was. It just felt pure. It didn't have any of the yucky, icky, just all around grossness that I've associated with Christianity for so long. It opened my eyes to SO much. It let me see that these hundreds of Christian women were just like me with a little Jesus sprinkled in there. They were laughing and joking and sarcastic and sometimes saying "bad" things and drinking wine on break. It blew my mind. It was just so, so, exactly what I needed.

And now? Things just feel different. It's so funny. Just like I said before, life is funny. I'm praying more often. I'm listening to Christian music, which seriously would have made me sick to my stomach a couple of weeks ago. I'm finding that I'm more patient with Grayson, that I'm happier - like, from within, not just like surface happy. Things just feel lighter, if that makes sense. Someone that I was talking with today said that I'm in what they like to call the sweet spot. Things are just flowing and working out and it's just like God is making things happen. If you would have told me even two or three weeks ago that I would be writing a blog post about God stuff I would have said you are CRAZY. And it all does feel a little crazy. But it also feels very right. I never actually thought I would get to this place in life again, but it looks like I almost have no choice! Things are just happening and I feel like I'm along for some kind of crazy ride. And I have to say, I'm actually excited to see where it takes me.

Checking In

So it has officially been what, almost two months since I visited this little space? Life has been busy and full, so much so that I just haven't really found the time to check in. Grayson is like a totally new and hilarious person, talking in sentences and developing this crazy personality. He keeps me busy every waking hour, and I'm so tired by the time he goes to sleep that I just sit with the husband, mindlessly watching TV until I go to bed...usually like an hour after G does.

There have been several times that I've thought about coming here to touch base a bit, but to be honest, I know there aren't many people still hanging around. I keep thinking I'll get back into things, work on getting my followers back, etc., but MAN...that sounds like a lot of work. Right now, I just can't muster up the energy.

Aside from watching Grayson grow into a full blown toddler who will be TWO in just over two weeks, I've pretty much been working at my little "work from home" job about 12 hours a week, attempting to plan his birthday party, and trying to keep him well. He's been sick with a cold, then a tummy virus, then another cold with a nasty cough, for the last three weeks. And now I've got a fever, massive headache, and am super fatigued - which is how I've found the time to write this little blog post. Daddy is entertaining him and mommy is laying in bed. On top of all the sickness, hubs has been traveling about 50% of the time with his job, so to say mama is tired is an understatement.

I fully intend to do a post with sharing all of Grayson's hilarious little quirks and sayings and whatnot before too long, but I think I've been overly ambitious already today ;) I hope everyone is doing amazing, and I hope when I do find my way back here some of you will still be around. Until next time!

The Courage to be Great

All of my life, I've been naturally good at things. I realize that sounds a little braggy, and I don't mean for it to be. But many things have just come easily to me. School was always easy, I was a good dancer, a good cheerleader, I could speak well in front of a crowd, you get the idea. But even though I was "good" at all of these things, I was never great at any of them. I never pursued anything with any sort of passion or drive. I always just did as good as I could without putting in much effort at all. I never wanted to be the best, to outshine everyone else.

Except that I did. On the inside, I wanted to be the best at whatever I was doing. I mean, don't we all, really, want to be the best? But what held me back from the greatness that I desired was a serious lack of confidence, and a huge fear of failure.

Even though I kind of thought that I could maybe be great at whatever it may have been that I was into at the time, like acting for example, I never truly believed in myself. I would start to envision myself doing the task at hand, and then I would be completely overcome with thoughts of how I would never be exceptional, I didn't have the talent, it would be too hard, I would work and work and it would never pay off - basically, anything that I could doubt or question, I would.

And the fear of failure was just too much to take. It's why I never truly pursued anything with any real intensity. Even when I moved to LA to "be an actress", I barely did anything to chase that dream. I took a few acting classes, I went on a few auditions, I read a few books, met a few people - but I never let myself passionately pursue it like I knew I could have, knew I should have. I was so afraid that I would give it my all, and then I would just end up being average anyway. It would be five years down the line and I would have nothing to show for all of my hard work, and then I would have to figure out something else. So instead of working toward it and seeing where it got me, I just gave up. I packed up, moved home, and decided that I just didn't have what it took to be an actress.

I can think of so many times in my life where I had a dream, or a desire, or even just an idea for something that I thought might be fun, but I just couldn't make myself go for it. What if it was a bad idea? What if I wasn't any good? What if I was just ok, but couldn't really, truly succeed? There are already so many people who do (whatever random thing you want to insert here), what if I'm not as good as them?

It makes me so sad that I've spent 30 years on this earth with that mentality. That a girl who was so naturally good at so many things never had the confidence to make herself great at anything. That instead of really shining and standing out, I just let myself stand on the sidelines.

The great thing about this is, I've finally realized that it doesn't have to be this way. Sure, I may try and fail at a few things, but what if I don't? What if I try, and I actually survive it - and what if I try, and I thrive? What if I find something that I'm really great at, something that fulfills me and gives me peace and joy and lets me know, hey, this is what I'm meant to do? I'm only 30 years old, I've still got so, so much time to pursue whatever it is that my heart desires.

If you're reading this, and you have similar fears or worries or a lack of confidence, I hope that this can encourage you in some way. Of course I don't have all the answers, but I do know that there are millions of people out in this world, chasing their dreams every single day. Of course not everyone succeeds, but man, what if they do? What if there's something that you've always wanted to do, but you've been to afraid - what if you try it, and you rock it out, and you suddenly have this incredible life that you've always dreamed of?

I think it's time that we all go for it. That we reach down inside ourselves and find the courage within, the courage that will allow us to truly be great. I know we can do it. If you have a passion, a calling, a destiny, whatever it is that you believe it to be, I absolutely believe that you can do it.

So get out there and get to work. I know I plan on it.

When I Grow Up

I'm one of those people that gets inspired easily. It doesn't have to be much. A commercial, a magazine article, a candle...literally, just about anything can spark a bit of craziness in my head. I always tell A that my brain never stops working, that I never stop thinking, and it's 100% true. This is why we may be sitting on the couch quietly watching The Vampire Diaries (hello new guilty pleasure) and I spout off with "You know what I was thinking? I think I want to pull that window box off the front of the house and plant a few bushes before too long...and I think we should take out all that mulch and put in some of that rock filler instead. Yeah?" No matter what I'm doing, my brain is thinking about approximately 13 other things.

This is why literally every time I say "You know what I was thinking?" he groans, or says "What now?" or "Please don't tell me this is going to cost me money."

So when I think of all of my bajillion brilliant ideas that excite me and inspire me and overwhelm me with the urge to get up and move and do things and accomplish things and be amazing, I have to remind myself - this might not be the time for that. Right now I'm a little bit wrapped up in mama-land.

I've already been over how I need to focus, and to as A suggests, just pick one or two things and focus on that. So I have been. But every once in awhile I get this feeling in my belly of ridiculous excitement when I think of all the things I want to accomplish someday, when I'm a real grown-up and I have time for accomplishing things. I thought I'd gather them here and share them with you. Plus, it'll be nice to have a checklist of sorts to look back at 30 years down the road to see how many of them I'm able to say I did. Fingers crossed it's all of them, at least in some capacity.

social work

I seriously considered going with social work as a major in college, but I decided to be logical and choose something that was a bit more high-paying and less stressful...so I chose public relations. Yeah, it makes no sense to me either. But I have always had such a heart for working with those who are less fortunate, and I just really feel called to do this in some way, shape, or form. I've told A I think I might want to go back to school after all our babies are in school and start a new career in the social work arena, but maybe it will be more along the lines of volunteering at a shelter or being a court appointed advocate for kids in the foster system. I'm not really sure what it will be exactly, but before all is said and done I'd love to make something happen here.

real estate

I love houses. I love looking at them, I love touring them, I love decorating them. There have been approximately 27 times in my life that I've considered getting my real estate license, and I've just never gone through with it. I'm not totally sure why. Now I'm leaning a little more toward the renovating/flipping aspect of things than the being a realtor side of things - or who knows, maybe both? Either way, I know that somehow, some way I want to be involved in the buying and selling of homes.

foster mom

This is a tough one for me, and it's so close to my heart. This may be the biggest challenge of all, however, because the husband doesn't really have the same draw to this that I do. I just feel like I am so blessed in my life, and I have so much love to give, and there are so, so, so many babies and littles and teens out there who just need someone to love them, and respect them, and believe in them. And I feel like I could do that. I know this isn't feasible with small kiddos in the home, so I honestly think this will be something that I do later in life. But I absolutely think I am called to this.

start a rescue

Oh, my baby animals. I just love them so much. I've wanted to start a rescue since I first got my Addie Jane. I feel like I eventually want to live on like 20 acres outside of town somewhere, and have a beautiful set up for all the puppies and kitties that I can possibly save, and then I want to help all those sweet animals find the human loves of their lives. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it.

open a boutique

This is definitely my more superficial side, but it's a strong side of me, what can I say. I love pretty things, I love shopping, and I absolutely loved working retail. Opening a boutique is like the ultimate dream for me. Designing a beautiful store stocked full of things that I love, organizing and decorating and chatting with customers and going to market to buy things...I just can't even handle how much I want to do this. My mom and I have talked about opening a little shop together someday, and I really hope we make it happen somehow. It would be an absolute blast.

Pretty much what I've decided is that I should just win the lottery, and then I will use the millions that I already have to help put most of these plans into motion. I mean, it can't be that hard, right? With the cash flow I would magically have the time and energy to devote to every one of these things. Isn't that how it works?

But seriously, I just feel all of these things so strongly, so deep down inside of me, that I know I need to make them happen somehow. Maybe it won't be in the capacity that I'm thinking, maybe it won't look like I think it will, but I really hope that in some way I can accomplish all of these things. I plan on doing my best to make it happen, and hopefully I'll start taking steps in the right direction very soon.

Passion

Because Grayson was born screaming his head off, and then he didn't really stop for like, two months, I've often felt like I had the "scary" or "bad" baby that people dread. But since I am all wrapped up in mama love and I feel as if he's a perfect angel, I couldn't ever really say that he was anything other than amazing. But I mean....anyone that spent any time with us in the early days knew he was a bit of a challenge. I decided rather than saying that he was colicky, which I think is what people say about "his type" usually, or that he was a difficult baby, I would say that he was passionate. I've been calling him passionate since he was just a few weeks old, and I don't know if it was one of those self-fulfilling prophecy kind of things or what, but good lordy lord, that child is nothing if not passionate.

It's funny, because the things that drive you crazy in others are often qualities that you yourself have, and I have to say...he comes by it honestly. I am passionate, no doubt about it, and it can be both a blessing and a curse. I think if your passion is embraced and understood, it can be a beautiful thing. It can lead to great success, it can draw people to you, it can give you that spark that other people wish they had. But at the same time, it can distract you if you let it, because it's easy to feel passionate about multiple things - speaking from experience here.

When I think of my passionate baby, who's turned into my passionate toddler, I wonder what he'll be like in a few years, in 10 years, as an adult. I hope he embraces that passion that he feels and makes something amazing happen with his life. I hope that I can teach him to use it for the gift that it is. I hope that we raise him to be passionate about the right things, to embrace whatever it is that really pulls at him, and to never give up if he really wants something.

Over the last 30 years I've learned a lot about living with the passionate streak that I have. I've learned that not everyone understands why I feel so strongly about things. I've learned that this passion also tends to lead to a quick temper, and that is a struggle I still deal with. I've learned that it's important to focus, to choose something to pursue, because it's so easy to feel passionate about every aspect of your life. It's my hope that I can pass these lessons on to Grayson, and any other future passionate babies that I may have, and that they won't have to learn it all the hard way.

What about you? What are you passionate about? Do you have one "great love" of a passion that you pursue endlessly, or are you more like me, and you tend to feel all the feels about every thing that goes on in your life?

When Life is Sad

There's a common theme in the Facebook/Instagram/Blogging world - everyone and everything looks beautiful and perfect all the time. But I'm pretty sure we all know that that isn't the case. In my life, things are beautiful and perfect in a very flawed way a good portion of the time. But I like to be real, and to share when things get messy. And for me, lately things have been just a little bit sad.

First of all, on the most shallow note ever, I have gained all the weight back that I lost from breastfeeding, and I'm exactly where I was when I got pregnant last time - which is the heaviest I've ever been, aside from during pregnancy. Any woman out there knows that this is enough to give you the blahs for days on end. I know I need to do something about it, especially since I just turned 30 and apparently your metabolism takes a nosedive at that point, buuuuuut...I just keep thinking, do I really want to put in a ton of effort to lose 10 pounds, and then get pregnant?

Which brings me to my second issue. I'm right at the point where thoughts of a second baby are popping up here and there. Part of me is super excited to jump in and have another precious little bebe in my world, but there's another part that feels a little sad about it. Only because I'm so obsessed and in love with Grayson that it scares me a little to think of losing the relationship that we have. I don't want to have to share my time and my love and my devotion, even though as an only child I am fully aware that a sibling is the greatest gift I could ever give him. I know I'll love another baby just as much, but in my emotional brain it's just too much to handle sometimes.

Aaaaand.....Addie Jane. My precious, insane, sweet little "first-born" baby. This is the most heartbreaking thing of all in my world right now. Addie is a peculiar little dog. She's a shelter pup, and we don't know what type of life she had before she came to us because she was just found wandering the streets. But she's got a lot of issues. She's extremely aggressive when it comes to food, she doesn't seem to like any other female dogs, she definitely needs to be the "alpha" dog in all situations, she has issues with men, she has issues with being groomed...and she absolutely, positively can't stand Grayson.

This is probably partially my fault. She was incredibly spoiled before he came around. She was my first baby, and I treated her that way. I doted on her, gave her so much attention and love, cuddled her constantly, took her on long walks, played with her whenever she wanted...and even though he might deny it now, A really loved her and gave her a lot of sweet attention, too. Once Grayson entered the picture, the thing that I swore would NEVER happen did, and she just wasn't my first priority anymore. Obviously I still adore her and dote on her when I can, and play with her when I can, and take her on long walks and love on her when I can...but those times aren't near what they used to be.

I remember one night after Grayson came home from the hospital, maybe four or five days after he was home with us. I had nursed him to sleep and laid him in between A and I in bed, right where Addie had always slept. She hopped in bed and started to go to her spot, then saw Grayson and slowly went down by my feet and curled up. She just knew that it wasn't her spot anymore. I crawled down by her and just cried and cried and cried while I held her, because I knew it would never be the same and it absolutely broke my heart for both of us. But especially for my poor little abandoned shelter dog.

She's smart. She knew things were different, and she knew why. And I'm pretty sure since that first week she's resented Grayson. She just watches him very skeptically, and stays out of the way. It was okay when he was just a baby, but since he's been up and moving she has grown more and more irritated. He's obsessed with her, and chases her around all day, calling her name, grabbing her, trying to hug her, throwing toys at her to try to get her to play. We try to keep him away, but for anyone that has ever had a toddler, you know that's impossible. And she's just so sad. She drags her tail, she lays on the back of the couch, and she just looks like all the joy in her world is gone.

It got to the point that we knew she couldn't be here anymore. She and Grayson just can't be in the same house. She's miserable, we're all nervous, and he just can't keep his hands off of her. Right now, she's staying with my dad, until we can figure out what to do. Every time I think of actually giving her to a new family it causes a near panic attack, so I'm trying to figure out a temporary solution until she can eventually go to my mom. But it hasn't been easy to find anyone willing to take her for several months, and sometimes I think I should just let her go to a new home. But I just can't do it. No matter what happens, I love that little dog more than I could ever explain, and I just can't bare the thought of her not being a part of my life anymore.

So even though on a day-to-day basis, life is pretty freaking fantastic and I couldn't be happier, sometimes parts of life are sad. I think it's important to acknowledge that in a world where everything is seen through an Instagram filter. If you made it to the end of this very lengthy post, thanks for reading :) Every once in awhile a girl just needs to vent, and apparently today was the day for me.

It's Already Been a Real Monday.

You know when you wake up and first thing it seems like you've already started off your day all wrong. That's kind of how this day has been. Already. And it's not even 7:30.

Grayson got up extra early this morning, and could not be convinced to go back to sleep for anything. So fine, fine, I'm up. I can deal with an early morning every now and then. He had soaked through his diaper, so I got up, changed him, and changed his clothes. I'll deal with the sheets later. We come into the kitchen, and he starts asking for water. Before I can get his cup out of the cabinet and water poured into it, he's nearly hysterical. "Wawa. Wawa. WAWA. WAWA! WAWA! WAWAAAA!!!". I mean seriously. It maybe took a total of 45 seconds.

Then, he decides he wants oatmeal, which literally takes like three minutes of preparation. Boil the water, stir it in, wait one minute, done. But apparently he is absolutely famished, and the waiting results in another near meltdown. We're talking laying on the kitchen floor, crying, kicking his legs. I ignore it, and he eventually stops. I sit him in his chair and give him some cheerios to pacify him, and he (begrudgingly) accepts.

I start feeding him the oatmeal a few minutes later, and everything is fine for approximately 30 seconds. He decides he would like to feed himself, thankyouverymuch, and rips the spoon out of my hand. I take it back, and this results in a full-on panic attack/major meltdown. Swinging his arms across his tray, cheerios flying across the room, kicking, face turning red, tears rolling down his cheeks, and finally, coughing out his mouthful of oatmeal. I've learned the best approach is to either softly talk to him and explain the situation and why he needs to calm down, or to ignore it for the moment. Since I'm already highly annoyed with this day, I ignore.

I clean up, and feed him two more bites. He looks a bit ashamed of himself, which I'm honestly somewhat happy about. One more bite, and he grabs the spoon again. At this point I give in. I'd rather clean up a huge mess than deal with it.

He finishes the oatmeal, and starts asking for "Mo. Mo. Mo. MOOOHHHHH!!!!!". I explain that we're out, he ate it all. Tears. Kicking. Grunting. Yelling. I offer yogurt. He shakes his head no. I take his bowl away. He kicks and screams for a minute, until I get the yogurt put on his tray.

He eats about five bites of yogurt, then says "Done!". Smiling, happy, cheerful little Grayson sitting in front of me, as if nothing ever happened. I get him down, clean him up, and it's over. Until he notices the oatmeal on his pants. Slightly panicked tears.

If this breakfast catastrophe is any indication, it should be a truly fabulous day. Life with a toddler is always exciting. You never really know what you're going to be dealing with from one moment to the next. It's what I imagine it would be like to live with a slightly manic drunk person. Lots of falling, crying, fits of rage, and moments of pure bliss and hilarity. As I'm finishing this up, he's begging for his "papi" (aka pacifier), which he's only allowed to have at nap time and bedtime. Since I told him no, he threw himself on the ground with a scream, stood back up, started banging on the trash can, and is now wandering around, moaning "Eeeeeeh, paaaapiiiii. Ooooooh, paaaaapiiiii. Paaaaaapiiiiiiii."

Wish me luck.

Organizing My Life

For the past several months - actually, approaching a year now - I've been trying to juggle many, many things. I'm doing the stay at home mama thing, I'm freelancing for a company, I'm attempting to be Betty Homemaker, I'm trying to find outlets for my creativity, I'm trying to raise a child and learn how to form him into an amazing human being...and I'm attempting to do all of that on too little sleep a lot of the time. What's new, am I right moms?

But a little while ago I reached a point where I felt like I was just running in circles, never really accomplishing much of anything. I knew something had to change. So I set out to organize my life.

First, I needed to define my priorities. Since I've got a million things to do but a limited amount of time, only a few things will actually get accomplished each day. Obviously taking care of Grayson is priority number one. Then we've got my freelancing job, which is a source of income, so it needs to be priority number two. Staying on top of keeping up the house is big, as is making time to cook my family healthy dinners. Then I try to fit in play dates and mom's night out whenever I can.

Next, I knew I needed a schedule to stick to. It's great to know what your priorities are, but if there isn't a plan of action things kind of fall apart. So I needed a way to stay on top of it all. Anytime I want inspiration for basically anything at this point in my life I turn to Pinterest. I found a few great printables that I filled out and hung up on a bulletin board in a little area in my laundry room. I have a whole Pinterest board dedicated to getting organized, and you'll find several printables if you check it out. I printed a weekly schedule that I fill out with my usual schedule (up at 7, or earlier if I try to go to the gym, breakfast at 7:30, work Tuesday-Thursday from 8-12, lunch at 12, Grayson's nap right after lunch, etc., etc.). I use my iPhone calendar to remind me of any thing out of the ordinary that comes up, like nights out with friends or doctor's appointments.

I also decided that in order to cut down our eating out expenses, which were absolutely shameful, I would start meal planning. I found yet another great printable, and I have been rocking this thing. I typically cook dinner five nights a week, and allow for two nights of eating out, usually on the weekend. We are seriously saving so much moolah this way. I set aside like 30 minutes to an hour on Sunday morning to plan and make my grocery list, then we grocery shop that afternoon.

I also made a weekly plan for cleaning house, and a monthly list of extra projects I'd like to accomplish and deep cleaning chores I tend to forget about. For example, on Sundays I do laundry, meal plan, and grocery shop. Mondays, I finish the laundry, sweep, and mop all the tile floors. Tuesdays I clean the bathrooms. And so on and so on. I don't stick to it every single week, but it's a nice guide for when I have the time.

Just this little bit of planning and effort has made a WORLD of difference in my life. I seriously feel like I've gained hours in my week. Of course I get off track every now and then, but it's nice to have an easy way to get back to where I want to be. Since becoming a mom, I've realized how easy it is to just let the days fly by without ever really accomplishing much of anything. I've never been super organized on my own, so this has been totally necessary, and worth it, for me.

Goals

I have a lot of goals and dreams for my life. Like, a lot a lot. I have so many that I get overwhelmed at the thought of them and need to take a nap. I get so excited, because I'm so passionate about so many things, and I just want to do them all and do them like right NOW and wouldn't it be great if I could (fill in the blank), wouldn't that be so amazing?!?

So I think, and I plot, and I plan, and on an on...and then I end up with a million ideas and plans and exactly nothing to show for it. The husband has told me time and time again that I really need to choose like two things to focus on, and just work on that for awhile. I mean, I've kind of got a lot going on right now anyway, it's not like I've got hours of downtime to do arts and crafts and build my empire.

So I think I've decided that number one, I'm going to focus on being mommy. I mean, obviously, right? But it's not, really. Because "mommy" is a given, it's just the default. I wake up, I'm mommy. I fix breakfast, I change diapers, I clean up messes, I give kisses, I change the laundry, I fix lunch, I color, I go on walks, I count, I say ABCs, and so on and so on. But just going through the motions doesn't get me anywhere. Instead, I want to really focus on being the best mommy I can be. This doesn't mean a perfect mommy, because Lord knows I would fail at that goal daily. But being the best mommy I personally can be. This means working on my patience, and taking the time to get down on the floor and wrestle around and work on puzzles and stack blocks and read books. To give him my undivided attention whenever possible. Because this is what I do. I'm mommy. I don't have a career that I'm focused on at the moment, I don't have a boss that I answer to, and I don't have to devote 40+ hours a week to a job anymore. So I need to take that energy and put it into mommyhood. That may not be right for every mama, but for me I know that's what I need, and want, to do. 

Number two, I would really like to focus on getting back into blogging. This might not look like blogging four or five times a week immediately, but it may be a little behind the scenes stuff. Planning, brainstorming, working on the details of what I want this space to be. This is another area that I have so many ideas that my brain just turns into a big jumble of thoughts and then I'm overwhelmed and I've gotten nowhere. So my plan is to dedicate a certain (TBD) amount of time each week to just the thought process of where I want to take this blog. I may sit and think and plot and come up with the answer that I don't really want it to be any more than what it currently is, which is basically an online journal that I very sporadically write in. Or I may want it to be one of the bigger things that I've thought at some point. All I know is I need to put some effort into making that decision. So that's goal number two at the moment.

And for now, that's where my focus will be. Even though I also want to start volunteering, and start sewing and crafting and open an Etsy shop, and work on getting back in fabulous shape, and start flipping houses, and work on the bajillion projects I want to do around the house, and open a boutique, and go back to school to get a degree in a different field, and start an animal rescue, and and and and.....

Like I said. Brain overload over here.

But even though I want to do all of those things, I'm going to take my oh-so-wise husband's advice and pick one. Or two, actually. Number one will never change, or at least not until all my babies are off to school. And then it will just look different, but will still be number one for me I'm quite sure. And then we shall see what else happens. I wish I had the endless time and endless energy to just go go go and do it all now, but I'm trying to embrace this season in my life for what it is. It's busy, and overwhelming, and fun, and precious, and I love it so much. I know in the blink of an eye I'll be in a totally different season, and I'll just wish I had little arms reaching out to me to be held all day long, so I'm taking the time to embrace it. I can have all the goals in the world, and I truly hope that I get to accomplish them all, because I just feel so stupid passionate about every single one of them. But for now, I have to acknowledge my limitations, and be ok with them. And I think I finally am.

"So, What's Your Blog About?"

Anytime people find out that I have a blog, however it happens to randomly make it's way into conversation, this is naturally their first question. And my response is usually something along the lines of "Well, it's kind of just about my life. Like, just whatever is going on, really. I mean, I guess it's kind of a mommy blog more than anything else right now, but I like to write humorous stuff, sometimes about home decor or crafty stuff...yeah, so I don't really know?"

By that point they're just kind of staring at me blankly with a vague smile, nodding like, why did I ask? But honestly, I don't know what my blog is about. It's about whatever I want it to be that day. Some days I'm feeling really sappy and I want to write about how much I love my son and my husband and my dog and my home and blah blah blah. Sometimes I want to write about something funny that happened. Sometimes I want to write about books I've read, or experiences I've had, or my adventures in trying to decorate my home. I'm all over the place. And I kind of think that's fine.

This obviously isn't a money making blog. This is just a place for me to pour out my heart. I'm not a super emotional girl for the most part, but I've learned that I need this outlet. Sharing my thoughts and worries and dreams with however many readers around the world that I happen to have may seem odd to some, but for me it's what works. I think it's my form of therapy. That I share with whoever's listening. You're welcome.

So I'm not sure what my answer should be when I'm asked that question. I should probably work out a quick, easy answer, but for now I guess I'll just keep mumbling whatever happens to fall out of my mouth and hope for the best. My blog is a representation of who I am at my core, and that person just happens to be all over the place, with a zillion interests, a zillion dreams for life, and the hope that I can do it all. And do it well. I think that's what this blog is. I hope that works. 

I'll Be There For You.

Totally had this poster in my bedroom in junior high...

Oh, I went there. I'm doing it. I'm posting about Friends. I mean, I have to. Friends is my all time, hands down, 100%, no doubt about it, FAVORITE show Of. All. Time. So since everyone is commemorating the fact that the show first aired 20 years ago this week, I have to jump on the bandwagon. Sorry not sorry.

Friends is one of those shows that relates to literally everything that happens in life. I'm not kidding. Almost every day something happens where I want to say "Hey, do you remember the episode where blah blah blah....". I say I want to say, because I learned awhile ago that no, my husband doesn't remember that episode, and no, he doesn't think it's hilarious, nor does he care. I made him watch all 10 seasons of Friends on DVD with me not long after we got together. I was smart, because only in the beginning of a relationship would a guy willingly watch 10 seasons of any show that isn't violent and/or extremely sexual. But even though he watched it and did in fact think that it was a good show, he somehow doesn't think it's hilarious to constantly reminisce about it.

I do.

Friends is one of the only consistent things that has been in my life for the past 20 years. And no, I don't think that's sad. It's one of the only shows that I will watch any time it comes on, no matter how many times I've seen that particular episode. I would say it's a safe bet that I've seen every single episode at least 10 times at this point. Again, not sad. Awesome.

Friends has been there for me through good times and bad. It taught me so much. Yes it did, shut up.

It taught me about true friendship. It taught me that sometimes friends can be more like family, and sometimes even more important in your life than your own family. It taught me that everyone goes through an awkward phase, even if they end up as gorgeous as Rachel Green someday. It taught me that sometimes two people belong together and that no matter what, they will end up together...because they are each others lobster, obviously. It taught me that living in New York as a struggling actor with no actual job is not only doable, but that you can live in a spacious apartment in a safe area, too!

Wait, that one wasn't true?

But seriously. I have so many ridiculous memories that include this show. I remember the first time I ever saw it, which was a few episodes into the first season. I saw them all jumping around in the water fountain and was instantly intrigued. I was 9 years old, but for some reason I was totally hooked. And as crazy strict as my parents were, they never told me I couldn't watch it.

I remember sitting on the edge of my bed, watching my little TV in my bedroom, and jumping up and down with tears in my eyes the first time Ross and Rachel kissed. I was like 10 years old, don't judge.

I remember gathering at my friend's apartment the night the final episode aired, feeling like one of my best friends was leaving forever. I'm pretty sure I cried then, too.

I remember forcing a guy I was dating to watch episodes with me, and the look of amusement he had on his face when he said, "You know, you don't have to laugh at every single joke. It's not THAT funny." That should have been my first sign to GET OUT of that relationship.

I will forever be grateful to this amazing show, and the amazing actors who played their roles so well. Knowing that every Thursday night I could tune in and forget about everything for 30 minutes got me through some seriously dark times in high school. It's amazing what an escape like television can do for the soul. I am forever a TV junkie, thanks in no small part to Friends.

So today I remember the best show of all time, and everything that it's meant to me over the years. Friends has stuck around a lot longer than most of the actual friends I had when I was nine, so maybe that's why it holds such a special place in my heart. I heart Friends. Forever. The end.

My Pinterest Life

This is where I live on Pinterest. Won't you come in?

Do you ever want to live inside your Pinterest? Like, just crawl up inside your Pinterest boards? They are so beautiful, and organized, and full of creativity and deliciousness and happiness. There's just so much goodness there. It's delightful.

Luckily, I'm pretty fond of my actual life, so it's not sad or anything. Really, it's not....I'm afraid I made it sound sad somehow. Anyhow, in an attempt to bring a little bit of that Pinterest wonder into my every day life, I did something crazy and made a board for pins I actually plan on doing. Like, within the near future. Because, I'm not sure if I'm the only one, but my "crafty" board alone has like a billion pins. It gets a little overwhelming after awhile. So I needed an official "to-do" list of sorts. And I named this board "My Official To-Do List". I'm nothing if not creative.

Now, I kept my board private, because...I'm not sure. Maybe I thought it would be embarrassing for everyone to see all of the things I actually plan on doing if it takes me forever to do them. Or maybe the thrill of a secret board is just too great. Secrets are fun, I don't care what that rhyme says.

So, that being said, I plan on sharing with you all what I accomplish. I'm already on a role with the cooking, which is really saying something. I've started doing a weekly meal planning kind of thing (yet again...I haven't been great at sticking with this) and I've tried several recipes just in the last couple of weeks, and we've only had one absolute disaster. Like, I chunked it in the trash and had leftovers for dinner disaster.

Until then, wander on over to my Pinterest boards and join me in my lavish lifestyle. It's so great there. No tantrum throwing toddlers, no toilets that need cleaning, no zillions of toys on the living room floor...and there's an entire board full of mostly alcohol infused beverages, if you're into that kind of thing.

Where I'm From.

I lived in the same small town from the age of two until I went to college at 18. Less than 3,000 people made up the entire population, and I graduated with a class of around 60. My dad was the banker in town...the president of literally the only bank there. This meant that basically everyone knew him...and by default, knew who I was.

I was watched, constantly. Not only by my overprotective parents, but by everyone else as well. My parents knew everything I'd done before I even walked through the door five minutes later. It was a strange way to grow up, but it was all I knew. It gave me a false sense of security, and probably of entitlement. I was one of the "rich girls" in town with a nice car and a big house. There wasn't a lot of that in my hometown.

But one thing that my parents always made sure I knew is that I was no better than anyone else. Because I wasn't. If I would have lived just 30 minutes away in Tulsa, we would have been your average upper middle class family. We may have been more fortunate than others, and I was well aware of that, but I hope and pray that I never, ever came across as snobby or stuck up.

In a small school there aren't a whole lot of "cliques". There typically are just "the popular kids"...no jocks or skaters or potheads or cheerleaders. Sure, we had all of those things, but none of that determined who was popular and who wasn't. I'm really not sure what did. Even though I fell in line with the more popular group, I truly believed I was a friend to everyone. I've always been on the quieter side, a little more shy especially at a young age, and I'm afraid that may have come across as something that it wasn't. But I do know that I had several kids write in my yearbook that last year and thank me for always being so nice to them...and that meant more to me than being "popular" ever could have.

Life in that town was so easy for me in so many ways, and so hard in others. From the outside it must have looked like I really had it all going for me. "Rich" parents, a "huge" house, a nice car, I was a cheerleader, I had a lot of friends...I'm sure some people were envious, and I know others hated me for it. But in my actual life, on the inside where no one could see, it wasn't so wonderful. My parents didn't get along. At all. We lacked a real family unit. At that point, it was basically me and my mom, and then my dad. We rarely ever did anything as a family....I even remember thinking it was strange if the three of us went somewhere together or spent any amount of time together, and inevitably things would end unpleasantly.

From the end of my freshman year until just after graduation, I dated an older guy who treated me terribly. So terribly. I have never been so disrespected in my life, and after that relationship I knew I would never let it happen again. He constantly cheated on me, lied to me, put me down...he would promise to come see me, then never show up. Days later he would call and turn it into my fault somehow. He did a lot of drugs, and he took me into some really sketchy situations that looking back on I cannot believe I allowed myself to be in as such a young girl. I never, ever tried one drug or took one sip of alcohol when I was with him, and I'm sure I have my parents influence to thank for that. I repeatedly found out about girls that he slept with...a friend of a friend, a girl we went to church with, a younger girl at school. It was miserable. I was horribly depressed, not only because of him, but because I truly suffered from depression. I contemplated suicide. I hated my life. I thought things would never get better.

And yet, I had it all...in the eyes of all the people surrounding me in that tiny little town, I really had it all going for me. Sure, people knew about the crazy boyfriend, but I'm positive no one really knew what was going on, aside from friends of his who had little sympathy for me. People just knew I was dating this guy who went to our school a few years before and had a not-so-great reputation. I'm sure people wondered why on earth we were together, but while I was at school he rarely came up.

I think growing up in that type of place really makes me appreciate the anonymity that comes with living in a bigger city. I rarely run into people I know. I'm just another face in the crowd. I don't have to worry about constantly being judged. I don't have any type of image to uphold, because no one knows me here. Sure, I miss the slower pace, the friendly faces, the sense of community...there are some really amazing advantages to growing up in a small town, and I'll forever be grateful that I had that experience. But thank God I married a man who would never survive in a small town...because I'm positive I could never go back.

I haven't been to my hometown, other than a quick drive through, in several years. My parents got divorced and they both moved. Very few of my friends still live there. I have no reason to go. It makes me nervous just thinking about it...all the people I'd see, the questions I'd be asked...people's surprise at seeing me there. I don't feel like I have any enemies by any means, in fact, I mostly have warm feelings for the people from that phase in my life. Sometimes I feel a little homesick...not so much for the actual physical place, but just for that time in my life. Although it was far from perfect, especially in my later years there, it was home. I felt safe, loved, protected...there's just something about living with your mom and your dad that can never be replaced. I'm just so far removed from that now, it feels so foreign. Even though growing up there is so much a part of who I am, it seems like another life. I'm so thankful for everything I experienced, even the less than pleasant side of things, because I'm sure I wouldn't be who I am today without it.

Overwhelmed, Lucky, and Happy To Be Here

I can't believe that summer is almost over. All the neighborhood kids are going back to school next week, the pool hours are about to get a lot shorter, and soon the temps in the 100+ range will be a distant memory. The older I get, the faster time seems to pass. Everyone always warned me this would happen, but sometimes I really can't believe how quickly it seems to go.

Now that I have Grayson I'm constantly trying to capture the moments and tuck them away into some little space in my brain so that I can always remember. Even the mundane, every day moments are so special that I hope I never forget them. It's why when I'm having a frustrating day with so many tantrums and missed naps and oh my I'm just so tired why won't you sleep?!?! that I try to stop myself and remind myself that someday he won't be so little. And someday he won't want me to hold him and play with him and shower him with attention 24/7. And someday he won't need me to rock him to sleep or to come in and rock him back to sleep an hour later.

I think in everything that goes on in life it's easy to just let it slide by and not really stop and appreciate how special every moment is. Laughing in the living room when A picks me up and tosses me over his shoulder, or tackles me on the ground and he and Grayson "tickle me", or when we do a crazy dance to try and make Grayson laugh...they're just tiny little 30 second moments in my day that pass in a flash and I easily forget about. So much of every day is full of laundry and picking up toys and cleaning up the high chair and wiping down the kitchen counters yet again, and trying to share my love and affection with a baby who demands it, a sadly neglected dog, and a husband who needs me. It's overwhelming and monotonous and can be stressful. But these beautiful, hilarious, sweet little moments every day add up to make one amazing life.

I'm at a point in life where I'm overwhelmed. I think if there were a word to sum up my life at this stage, that would be it. I'm trying to figure out balance. And it's tough. I'm trying to figure out how to be the best mama I can possibly be, while still being a good mama to my first little baby, Miss Addie Jane. And really, the hubs and I are practically still newlyweds. It will be three years next month. I'm definitely still trying (and failing miserably a lot) to figure out how to be a fantastic wife. I've got my freelance job that really only requires around 10-15 hours a week, but when I try to fit that in to a day full of everything else, I just feel...overwhelmed. I crave a routine that makes sense, that makes things easier, but apparently this time in my life just isn't meant for routine.

I still have so many things that I want to do. So desperately. I've always felt like I have some "calling" in my life, some big purpose. I think right now it's to be mama...but I know that I can't just be that. There's something inside of me that needs more. I want to touch lives. I want to save animals. I want to create beautiful things. I want to be healthy and fit and dear Lord how do moms find time to work out? I mean, really...how do you ladies do it all? I have one tiny child and I feel like every single day is just runningrunningrunning trying to get it all done before I collapse into bed at night, exhausted. Thank the good Lord above my child is a good sleeper, because the nights that he isn't I am a beast to deal with the next day. I need that time to recharge so I can get up and do it all again.

And I miss this space. I miss getting on here and just purging and spilling out all of my feelings and emotions. It's the thing that I think was the best for me from time to time, and now it's the thing that I have put on the very back burner and rarely even consider doing. I get so very little "me" time, and when I do I just kind of sit here and zone out. Or binge watch episodes of Vampire Diaries.

More than anything, I just feel so blessed. I know this probably seems like maybe a bit of a complaining post, but it's not. That's not what it is at all. Being overwhelmed and busy and pulled in so many directions and having so many people who want and need my affection is amazing. It's wonderful. It's the best thing ever. I'm struggling to figure out how to handle it all, but oh my goodness I'm so glad that this is what I get to handle. I was telling A the other day that every once in awhile I get smacked in the face with this crazy guilt, because I am so super freaking lucky to have the life that I do, and I didn't do anything to get it, really. I got lucky to be born into the family that I was, to have the security and opportunity and material things. I got lucky to meet him and to fall in love and to get married, and for him to end up being this crazy determined, hard-working, successful man (if you would have known him in college, you would see what I gamble I took ;) Ha, kidding babe). And I mean, I really hit the jackpot in the adorable, hilarious, sweet child department. My life is good. And I'm thankful.

So. I think I needed this. My random, unplanned, word-vomit of the month. If you're still here and still reading, bless you. And thank you.

Checking In

Anyone else find it kind of funny that the last time I posted I said something along the lines of "now that I'm semi-back to blogging..." - and that it was well over a month ago? Obviously the being back to blogging thing didn't really work out for me. I don't know what it is, honestly. I just can't find my mojo or something. I've always got a million things going on that I want to do and need to do and have to do, and blogging just kind of gets pushed to the side somehow.

I've though about quitting altogether, I've thought about making the blog private for awhile. But I really think I'll just kind of let it sit here quietly, updating whenever I find the time.

I really wish I had more motivation and time, because I would absolutely love to be documenting all of the hilarious and awesome things that are going on with Grayson these days. He'll be 15 months on Thursday, and he just gets cuter and funnier and sweeter and smarter and more defiant and independent every single day. He's just the best thing in the whole entire world, and I want to capture every single moment because they're all just too good.

I think really that's what it is. I'm so busy soaking up the time with him and the husband and Addie Jane that I don't want to take the time to slow down and write about it. I'm afraid that someday I'll regret it though, because all of these little things that he does right now that are so funny and adorable and memorable will someday be just a memory - and I have an awful memory. I already have a hard time remembering what it was like when he was a baby, and that was just a few months ago. I'm scared I won't remember all these tiny precious details.

So at the moment, here are some of the things I never, ever want to forget.

The way he gives kisses to anyone who asks - right on the lips with a big "mmmmwah". Today he seriously gave me about 15 kisses in a row, grabbing my face and smooshing his little lips on mine over and over again.
The way he says "Addie! Addie! Addie! Aaaadddiiiieee!!!" while running toward her. He is seriously obsessed with that dog, and she literally couldn't care less about him. This past weekend he woke up and she wasn't in here, and the very first thing he did was sit up and say "Addie? Addie?". It's precious. And sad because it's so one-sided.
The way he says mama. FINALLY. He didn't start saying it regularly until maybe a month ago. My mom says it's sweet because he says it with such love, and he really does say it in the gentlest little voice.
The way he "winks" at us, which is really just batting his long lashes and blinking those big brown eyes.
The way he giggles like crazy whenever the hubby kisses his neck or tickles him. I love seeing them roll around on the floor together.
The way he says "moh! moh! moooooohhhhhh!" Whenever he wants more of something. (Usually food. He's obsessed.)

The way he gets so excited and grasps his hands together and bends over and grins so big whenever he's really excited about something.
The way he runs and giggles and squeals when someone is chasing him.
The way he splashes water in his face in the pool and thinks it's so funny.
The way he rolls around in the floor, flopping his arms to the side and laughing.
The way he'll grab a blanket from the basket and go lay down on it when he's sleepy.
The way he plays with my hair when he's falling asleep.
The way he'll cuddle so good when it's nap time.

There are a million more things, but it's late and I need to sleep so I can get up and jog tomorrow morning - yet another thing I've decided I should be doing in my life ;) I hope everyone is wonderful, and I hope some of you will still stop by and check in with me every now and then. I assume I'll be back "for real" someday, but at the moment I have no idea when that would be. Until next time!

Just a Little Update

Hi friends! It's been so long since I've checked in that I'm almost embarrassed. The last thing I was planning on doing tonight was stopping in for a quick update, but suddenly here I am.

Life has been busy these past few weeks, of course, and fun. We've been in the new house for almost three weeks now, and slowly but surely we're getting all settled in. We're really starting to make it our own, and I love it more and more every day. The husband was oh-so-kind to allow a shopping spree of sorts, since this house is quite a bit bigger and we needed stuff to fill it up with. We've still got a long way to go, but I'm loving it all so far.

Grayson will be ONE next Thursday. Somebody hold me. I cannot believe that tiny infant baby of mine is a big, goofy, stubborn, walking, laughing, flirting little boy. Blows my freaking mind. He's still just getting cuter and more fun and more hilarious every day - along with more independent and more determined and more tantrum-y. So it's fun and challenging all wrapped up into one cute little package.

I'm finally tackling the whole first birthday party thing. Nothing like putting things off until the last possible minute. Today was literally the first day I've done anything remotely related to party planning. Less than three weeks until the party, might as well. We had to push his party to May 3rd because several people couldn't make the original date - and I secretly did a happy dance because it gave me a much-needed extra week to get my ish together.

Sooooo....whenever I've decided I'm ready to make the big leap back into blogging on the reg I should have lots and lots of good stuff for ya. House updates, birthday party stuff, normal life stuff - please oh please remember that I'm here, I promise I'll come back to you my dear friends ;)

I finally took all the thousands of photos from my phone and put them on the computer so that I could take thousands more photos (because my phone kept yelling at me about being out of space every.single.day), so here are a few of my favorites.

I hope I'll be back to see you all soon. I miss you.