Gavin's Birth Story - Part Two

When I left off in my Part One post, we had just arrived at the hospital and were about to check in around 5 PM. After eating our first real meal of the day in the hospital parking lot, we grabbed our things and headed in to get all checked in and (finally) get the show on the road!

To be completely honest, most of what happened at the hospital is like one very long, very strange dream. I remember a lot of it so vividly, but what happened when is kind of difficult to remember. I know after we went in and got all set up, we called and told my parents to go ahead and bring Grayson up to see me. I knew the later it got the more pain I would be in, and I didn't want to scare him but I really wanted to see him. I also called my doula to let her know that things were finally getting started, and she said she would head up after dinner.

This time around was different on a bajillion different levels, but one of the main things that was different is the fact that I was up and moving around this time. Since I was induced last time they had me strapped to a monitor the entire time, so I never really got to labor the way that I wanted to. So since I could still do whatever I wanted basically, I went back to that looooong sky bridge and walked walked walked. Once my parents and Grayson got there they all walked up and down and up and down with me several times, until we all got a little tired of it. Every time I would have to stop for a contraction and basically cling on to the wall to keep from falling down from the pain, Grayson would get a little concerned. Someone would just tell him that mommy needed to rest and try to distract him, and he honestly didn't seem to be too weirded out. After tons of walking we went back to the room to say our goodbyes for the night. I remember being emotional about letting Grayson leave, because I knew the next time I saw him his entire world would be turned upside down. I was so so excited for it all, but also a little sad for it to be the last time I would see him as my only baby.

My doula Maria arrived not long before my parents and G left, and once they were gone we went back to do some more walking. I honestly don't remember how long we walked for, or when Dr. Cummings showed up to check on things, but I'm thinking it was later in the evening around maybe 9 or 10. Regardless, whenever he did show up I had barely made any progress. I'm pretty sure I was just at a 4 at that point. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. But to say I was discouraged would be totally wrong, because for some reason the longer it took, the more determined I became to get that VBAC! However, at this point I had been in labor for more than 40 hours, so I was insanely exhausted.

Everyone kept telling me that I should get some rest, but when you are having contractions that make you feel like you want to die it's basically impossible. They weren't super close together at this point, maybe 4 to 5 minutes if I remember correctly, but when they did come on they were insane. All of this part is truly a blur, but I believe when Dr. Cummings came in to check this first time is when he encouraged me to get the pitocin as well as an epidural. With the pitocin, I was super hesitant because I felt like that is what sent everything spiraling during my labor with Grayson. However, Dr. Cummings really encouraged me and said it was basically necessary at this point because my labor was going so incredibly slowly that we really needed to nudge things along. He said "The pitocin isn't what caused your c-section, it was your impatient doctor. I am NOT that doctor, and we will get your VBAC." So after his little pep talk I decided to go for it with the pitocin. He also suggested that I get the epidural beforehand as well. He explained that he is not a doctor who normally recommends an epidural (which he had told me many times before) but that I had been at it for so long, was already so exhausted and stressed, and had so far to go, that an epidural would allow me to relax enough to progress. Since I fully, 100% trusted him, I agreed to that too. And I'm so glad I did!

After the epidural I was finally able to get some relief and rest. Since this meant that I couldn't get up and move anymore, I put in my headphones and listened to my "relax" play list I had made. Gavin wasn't reacting great to the pitocin, so they had to keep coming in and adjusting the dosage and checking the monitors, which was nerve-wracking. I also had to wear an oxygen mask basically the entire time after the pitocin started, which was awful. I remember Dr. Cummings coming in at one point and pulling out the loooong sheet of paper that had I guess his heart rate over the past few hours and him looking concerned, which obviously concerned me. But then he said something along the lines of "you are fine, your baby is fine, relax", and I felt better.

The WORST part of having an epidural for me is that loss of control that you feel when your bottom half goes numb. It is so disturbing to see your legs and feet and to be totally unable to move them even an inch. To see people pulling them to the side and flipping them around and to have zero control is almost more than I can handle. In the middle of the night, the husband and my doula Maria were both asleep in those hideous hospital chairs, and I was laying there wide awake. I started having a legit panic attack because I felt paralyzed and was convinced that it was permanent. I had to talk myself down, do all kinds of deep breathing, I text my mom (who was obviously asleep at like 3 AM), and cried and cried (silently so no one would wake up). I finally calmed myself down enough that I was able to get a bit of sleep.

At some point there was a shift change, and my overnight nurse left. When she was leaving, she said something along the lines of when I come back I know you'll have had this baby! And I know you'll get your VBAC! Nicest thing she said the entire time - I had not been her biggest fan. But at 48 HOURS of active labor, I needed the encouragement. Then my new nurse came in and I. LOVED. HER. She was amazing. Seriously, so great. Dr. Cummings came back in around this time, which I'm guessing was about 7 AM, and he checked me and I was at a 7! I mean. It doesn't sound like much, but it was all I needed to get me over the hump and let me know I could keep going and get the job done. With Grayson I "failed to progress" past a 4, so knowing that in the middle of the night I had blown past that felt amazing.

Can you see the utter exhaustion? I swear I can feel it just by looking at my face. 

Dr. Cummings came back a couple of hours later and I had progressed a little more, I believe to a 9, so he told the nurse to have me start pushing. This was around 9/930. It was so strange, and to explain that feeling is tough. But all of the sudden I felt like - wait! This is all happening so fast!!! (HAHAHA) I think I was a little bit in shock that it was actually happening, after the years of bitterness over my c-section and the months of planning for this moment, it was actually, finally happening. So. The pushing began.

And the pushing continued. On, and on, and on. This is why I tell you that my nurse was so very amazing. She had me pushing in so many different positions. She had me on my side, on my back, using one of those peanut ball things, using a bar to hold onto - pretty much everything but standing up, she had me do it. Also, when I was about to start pushing, she said "OK, I want to turn your epidural off. I need you to feel this. I'm not sure if he'll let me, but if he will we need to do it, OK?" I agreed, and of course Dr. Cummings agreed, so they turned it off. Obviously all feeling didn't immediately come back, but I had already been feeling the contractions, and once they turned it off....OMG. They were hitting me HARD.

The pushing portion of things is super, super vivid to me, even now, four months later. It didn't go at all how I thought it would. My parents had come back up to the hospital with Grayson, and my mom was able to come in. I had A up by my head on my right side, my mom right beside him, my doula beside her, down by my legs, and my nurse on the left side. When a contraction would hit and she would have me push, I would grab for someone's hand, probably practically break it, and push with more strength than I knew I had. I kept my eyes closed literally the entire time, which was unexpected for me, but I kind of just shut down into myself. I didn't listen to any music, which also was unexpected, but I think I just needed 100% of my focus on what I was doing. Every once in awhile I would say "water" and A would get me my water or some ice, or say "hand" and he or my mom would give me their hand, but I don't think I said anything other than that.

My amazing nurse was so encouraging, and even though I can't remember everything she said, I know she said exactly what I needed to hear throughout the entire process. Probably about an hour later Dr. Cummings came back in to check me, and he very calmly said that I was at a 10, then he said "Let's have a baby". At that point all these people came swarming into the room, and my mom had to move down by my feet, but A stayed up by me holding my hand. I think I glanced around the room once, and other than that kept my eyes close.

Dr. Cummings was seriously amazing through the actual delivery part of things. I pushed and pushed and pushed, and I didn't think Gavin was EVER going to come out. Dr. C just kept talking to me so calmly and quietly, encouraging me and telling me what I needed to do differently. Everyone was telling me I could do it, telling me to push, telling me I was doing a great job - and I just kept going. Labor is such a strange experience, and I just remember feeling almost animalistic, if that makes any sense. I was making the craziest grunting/screeching sounds, and I remember thinking how strange it sounded, but I honestly couldn't stop. At one point Dr. C said "That sound you're making? It's not helping you. In fact, when you make it, the baby is moving back up. You're putting too much energy into that sound. Stop." Haha! So I tried to stop, although I'm not totally sure I succeeded.

When we were so, so close, he stopped and said "Were you an athlete? Have you done anything athletic in your life?" and I said I was a dancer and a cheerleader and that I played basketball in like third grade, but I didn't think that counted, and everyone laughed. He said "OK, yes that was funny, but you need to tap into that. That strength and determination and athleticism, you need to dig down and find that". So I kept going. Pretty soon, he said "OK, I can see the head!" Then he said "Would you like to see? Or would you like to feel it?" I said "Umm. Not see it, but yes feel it." So I did, and MAN. That is one crazy experience, to reach down and feel the baby actually coming out of you. I kept pushing and pushing after that, and a few minutes later he said "OK, feel the head now. See how far he's come? He's almost here."

More pushing, more pushing - endless pushing, seriously, and then finally, amazingly, blessedly, I pushed him out. He was here. I felt him leave me, and it was the strangest rush of feelings I've ever experienced. I cried. Dr. C held him for a minute, I guess making sure everything was good, I think he had passed some of the meconium already so he was a bit concerned, but then I heard the sweetest little cry I had ever heard, and he handed him to me. And wow. I mean, how can you even describe that moment? I immediately noticed that he looked JUST like Grayson did when he was born, and I said something along the lines of "Oh my God. Hi there baby! You look familiar!" He just stared at me and was so sweet and quiet, and I instantly felt my heart grow. If I had ever worried about not feeling for him the way I felt for Grayson, it was gone in that first millisecond that I held him.

Gavin was born at 11:34 AM on October 28th, a full 52 hours after my active labor began and after almost two solid hours of pushing. It was BY FAR the most excruciating, exhausting, emotional, amazing thing I have ever experienced. It is honestly the best thing I have ever done in my entire life. It is the best experience I have ever, ever had. After he handed him to me, Dr. Cummings said "You did it. I knew you would do it. There were some people doubting you, trust me, but you did it." And honestly, I knew I would too. I never doubted myself. It was hard to imagine it actually happening, but I was so determined, I knew I could make it happen.

My VBAC was so insanely healing for me. I had so many negative, complicated emotions that I was still dealing with from my first birth experience. This allowed me to do what I knew I could, what I know my body was made to do. It let me see that I wasn't a failure, that my body wasn't broken, and that I can literally do anything that I put my mind to. My sweet baby Gavin will always be so special to me because he gave me that. I was worried that since Grayson was my first and will obviously always be so special because of that, that Gavin wouldn't have that special "something" (such a silly thing to worry about, any mom of two or more can tell you). But this experience - this sweet little guy gave me this amazing experience, and for that I will always be so grateful.

Gavin's Birth Story - Part One

Two months after giving birth to sweet Gavin and I still haven't even attempted to write his birth story. Honestly, it was the most incredible experience of my life, but it was also the most exhausting by far, and the thought of writing it all out has seemed incredibly daunting. Plus, I've got the whole toddler plus infant equals absolutely zero free time to sit down and write thing going on, so.

But apparently today is the day, now is the time, and I'm going to give it my best to remember every detail. I'm assuming much like Grayson's birth story that this will be insanely long and only interesting to myself and....well, anyone who likes super long birth stories, maybe. I'm also assuming that this will take several attempts to finish, so hopefully it will be done before his first birthday ;)

So I suppose we will start at the very beginning. Throughout this pregnancy I knew I wanted to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I didn't have a traumatic c-section, but I HATED the experience, didn't want it to happen at all, and have been bitter and angry about it ever since because it was completely and totally unnecessary. So I researched, found one of the few doctors in this area who will do a VBAC, met with him, discovered why is is the legend in the DFW area that he is, and decided to go for it. From the first time I met with Dr. Cummings, I felt completely and totally confident that I could get my VBAC. He was honest about the risks but had no hesitation in saying that he truly believed I could do it. Even the husband felt totally comfortable going forward with the VBAC plan after that first meeting, and he'd had some reservations.

So when 41 weeks rolled around and I was still super pregnant with no signs of baby making his appearance, I started to panic. I google and research everything, and every indication was showing that women who go into labor on their own are more likely to successfully VBAC. Also, after 42 weeks risks of stillbirth rise significantly, so Dr. Cummings isn't comfortable going past that, and honestly I wasn't comfortable going past 41. So I had an appointment on Friday the 23rd, when I 40 weeks + 6 days pregnant, and had my membranes stripped. Dr. C said if it were going to work, I should be in labor by Saturday night/Sunday morning. After the longest weekend of my life, which included lots of walking, drinking red raspberry leaf tea, evening primrose oil capsules, spicy food, and so on and so on, I finally started having contractions on Sunday morning around 7 AM. At first I had no idea what was going on, it just felt like I was having horrendous menstrual cramps that never let up. After about an hour of the constant pain, it went away. Then throughout the rest of that day I had painful but not too bad contractions, sporadically, ranging anywhere from 10 minutes apart to close to an hour at some points. So even though I knew nothing was really happening, I was hopeful that we were on our way.

On Monday morning, the 26th, I woke up to get ready for an appointment with Dr. Cummings. He had told me on Friday that if I were still pregnant Monday that we would need to monitor baby and make sure things were still looking good, then talk about next steps. His office is about 45 minutes to an hour from home, and at about 7 AM on our way there I started having regular contractions. These were about 8 to 10 minutes apart, but they were consistent and more painful than the day before. At his office we ran some tests on the baby, had an ultrasound to check fluids, and talked about induction. I would be 42 weeks on Saturday (Halloween), and I knew I didn't want to get that far. He said he could admit me and induce that day, or we could do Friday. I knew I didn't want to be induced right then because I was still hopeful things would happen on their own, especially since I was having contractions, but I didn't want to wait until practically 42 weeks. So we decided if nothing had happened by Wednesday at 7 PM I would come in for an induction. Which made me panic, but I knew would be for the best if we got that far.

Throughout all of this I stayed in close contact with my doula, and she was giving me suggestions and telling me what her experiences had been like with other women in similar positions. She was super encouraging and informative, and after going through the entire long, drawn out process, I can say she was worth every penny. Even the husband agrees, which is really saying something. At this point her suggestion was to continue on with what I had been trying to induce naturally, but to try and relax a bit to see if that would allow my body to do what it needed to do. For the rest of the day Monday I had regular contractions, but they never got any closer together than about six minutes, and then they would slow back down to around 10. It was insanely frustrating and I couldn't believe how long it was taking. It was also incredibly painful, which was exhausting. I kept thinking that at any minute things would really take off, but they just never did.

By about 8 PM after I had put Grayson to bed I was feeling really discouraged and frustrated. A went to bed around 10, as did my mom, because everyone wanted to rest up in case we had to go to the hospital. Everyone, including my doula, suggested that I go to bed and try and relax, but of course I couldn't do that. So I decided to try and work him out in the most aggressive way I could think of. I didn't have a birthing ball, but I sat on the ottoman in the living room, legs spread as far as I could, and bounced and rocked and did everything I could think of to try and get him to moooove down while I watched some TV and tried to take my mind off of things. And finally, finally, I started having super intense, close (er) contractions. I did this for, oh, maybe two hours? I think I lost track of time. But I completely exhausted myself and decided ok, that's all I can do. I went and laid down, fully expecting my contractions to slow way down like they had the night before, but they didn't. I told A what was going on, and he started freaking out just a little bit. After a couple of hours of me monitoring things and realizing they were pretty steady at about 5 to 6 minutes apart, he decided we should just go ahead and go to the hospital since we were close to an hour away. Since I didn't go into labor naturally last time, we had no idea what to expect. I think he thought the baby was just going to come flying out of me once things got real and he wanted to be overly cautious. Oh, how very, very wrong he ended up being.

Right before we left for the hospital

We got to the hospital around 3 AM, and they sent me somewhere other than L&D for monitoring. I was checked by the on call doc, and I was dilated to a two. This was incredibly annoying, because I had been at a two that morning when Dr. Cummings checked me. I could NOT believe no progress had been made. The nurse told me that the doctor wanted me to go walk the sky bridge for an hour and then she would check me again. There is a massive sky bridge connecting the women's center to the rest of the hospital that is a quarter mile long if you walk there and back, and I had heard many stories of women trying to walk their babies out on that thing. So I shuffled over there, put in my headphones, and started walking while A tried to nap in the most uncomfortable chair I'd ever seen. Since I may be a bit stubborn and am nothing if not determined, I decided I would surpass the hour they asked me to walk and kept going for almost two hours. At this point my contractions were about three minutes apart, and I had to stop and cling on to the wall for dear life when they would hit they hurt so bad. Luckily, at 4 AM there was literally no one in that bridge other than me, so no one was witnessing this little production I had going on.

Poor Hubs had it so rough.

Sky Bridge selfie

This doesn't do it justice.

I wanted to capture the massiveness of my belly from my POV. Still doesn't capture it. 

About 5 AM I went back to be checked again, and I just knew that after all that walking something had to have happened. SURELY. So she came in, checked me, and said something along the lines of "Nope. No progress." and walked out. Needless to say, I did not love this on call doc. The amazing nurse that was in there came in to talk to me and explain things and basically said they wouldn't admit me since I wasn't showing any progress, but the doctor had prescribed me an ambien so I could go home and sleep. She was so encouraging and sweet, and knew I was going for a VBAC, and she said "I'll be back tonight at 6 PM and I expect to see you in here, and I know you're going to get that VBAC! I'll see you tonight! Get some rest, girl, you're exhausted!". At this point I was actually crying I was so frustrated, which is really saying something because I'm not a big crier. I was actually more along the lines of silently sobbing and trying not to have a massive meltdown in a public place, but whatever. So I popped the ambien and we headed home.

Not long after we left we started talking and decided to just get a hotel so we would be closer to the hospital. My contractions were still close and super strong, so we knew something had to happen soon. This all was happening maybe 10-20 minutes after I took the ambien, and it is seriously all a blur. I had never taken an ambien before, and OMG. Y'all. I literally started hallucinating. I decided I wanted Starbucks, so we went through the drive through. At this point it's about 7 AM, I've been in labor with regular contractions for about 24 hours with zero sleep, and I am actually seeing things. The strange thing is I remember most of it. I remember leaning over to A and saying "Oh my Lord. Do you see that?" While pointing at the wall of the Starbucks drive thru. Of course he saw nothing. I was like "No. OK. I know I'm not actually seeing this, I know I'm not. But do you see those gremlins? They're RIGHT THERE. I mean, I know they aren't there, but I SEE THEM. They are crawling on that wall." I also thought the carpet in our hotel was coming at me, trying to get me or something. He actually had to pretty much carry me (all 41 + weeks pregnant of me) into the hotel I was so out of it. We got in the room and I'm pretty sure I basically faceplanted (or whatever a pregnant version of a faceplant is with all that belly in the way) and passed out.

After I woke up four hours later, I was still having intense contractions that were somewhat close together, I'm thinking around 5-6 minutes apart at this point. Since we were still in town and we knew the baby was going to come...eventually...we were hoping....we decided to call and see if we could get in to see my doctor. Honestly, this part is really a blur. I think the ambien hadn't totally worn off, plus only four hours of sleep didn't do much for me. From what I recall we went to see Dr. Cummings right after the lunch hour, and he did another check. I was at an "easy three" he said, and since the contractions were close he said he was going to go ahead and admit me. This was probably around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I asked if we could go get some food since I knew I wouldn't be able to eat once I'd been admitted (live and learn since I was starving the entire time I was having Grayson), and he said sure but to get to the hospital as quick as I could. Like I said, all a blur, but we went through the Panera drive through, ate in the parking lot of the hospital, and eventually checked in around 4 or 5.

Since we are now more than 34 hours into this birth story, I think I'll consider this "part one". The next part is the exciting part anyway, so we'll save it for when I have the time to really get it right :) If you've hung with me through this much of it, hooray! I'll be back soon, I hope, to finish things up and share all about my (spoiler alert!) amaaaaazing VBAC experience. Yes, it really happened!

Grayson's Birth Story

In the sleep-deprived haze of the early days of Grayson's life, I've often thought of logging on here and writing his birth story. Somehow he is already a month old and I haven't found a spare moment to do it. Even though I have a million things I could be doing with the very small amount of downtime I get these days, I decided that I want to go ahead and make this a priority.  The details are already fading into distant memories, and I want to remember as much as I can about those special first days of his life. This will most likely be the longest blog post in the entire world, but to be honest I think I'm doing this more for me (and Grayson someday, if he chooses to read this) than anything else.

Let me start at the beginning. From about the midway point of my pregnancy, my doctor (who I love) had been making comments about the fact that the baby was measuring big and it was concerning her a bit. I'm a small girl, but not incredibly so, so I was always surprised that she thought I might not be able to carry him to term or to deliver him the way I wanted, which was absolutely, positively NO C-section. Around 30 weeks she said that since he was measuring so big we would wait it out until 39 weeks if I made it that far and then do a final ultrasound to see how big he was and to talk about inducing. Another thing I was 100% against. So for the final few weeks of my pregnancy I was praying/crossing fingers/wishing on stars that I would naturally go into labor on my own before that 39 week mark. Well, that just wasn't meant to be apparently.

On the morning of April 23rd, we went in for my 39 week sonogram. At this point we knew that most likely I would be induced sometime in the next week and we were pretty much prepared. After the appointment that morning I had plans to get a spray tan (priorities you know),  vacuum the house, clean our guest bathroom...all of the ridiculous things that don't really matter but when you are in that "nesting" phase feel absolutely positively essential.

When we got the sonogram that morning we were told he was no longer measuring too big, he was pretty much right on track. The ultra sound tech said she was guessing his weight to be around 7 1/2 to 8 pounds. Much better than the 8 plus we had been warned about. She said everything looked good measurement wise...and then she dropped the bomb. My fluid was measuring very low...not quite dangerously, but enough that she said "Well, looks like you'll be having a baby today!". Umm...oh my.

At that point I think all of the reality of what was going on slammed Arsen and I both in the face. I said something about my plans to go home and clean and she informed me that she doubted my doc would let that happen. So after about 10 agonizing minutes of waiting alone in a room with shocked looks on our faces and making little comments about what needed to be done IF in fact today was the day and me going into a slight panic about the fact that I reallyreallyreally did NOT want to be induced, my doctor walked in and said "OK, so we're having this baby today!".

She told us to go home and grab our hospital bags and then to go get checked in. Everything started happening so fast and I was so overwhelmed...even though I knew in the back of my head that this was a possibility, I still couldn't believe it was really time.

We went home and got our bags, took a few last minute photos, and I said a long, somewhat-tearful goodbye to my baby Addie. That was honestly the hardest thing for me to deal with probably this entire pregnancy, and I know people may think I'm slightly crazy because she's "just a dog", but I knew the minute we came home with a tiny little baby her whole world would be turned upside down. It's something I've stressed about since day one. And to be honest, it isn't as bad as I thought it might be. But it's not as good as I hoped it would be either. I'm sure there's another post on that coming soon.

We headed off to the hospital around 12:30, and it's just a short 15 minute drive from the house thankfully. Once we got all checked in to the hospital and I changed in to my gown, they hooked me up to all kinds of monitors and started my IV right around 2 PM. Then after just a few minutes they started that dreaded Pitocin drip.

Going into this whole thing I had very definite ideas of what I wanted my labor and delivery process to be like. I had a birth plan, and being the type of person that I am, I wanted to control the entire situation and stick to the plan as closely as possible. I wanted a vaginal birth, with no meds if at all possible (I wasn't totally against an epidural, but I wanted to see if I could do it), and my number one thing was that I absolutely did not want a C-section. More than anything in this world I wanted to experience everything about delivering my sweet baby, having him put immediately onto my chest, and starting the bonding process right away. I had been dilated to a one for a few weeks, and by this point was "almost" at a two, so I did have some hope that my body was starting things off on its own. But I knew that being induced with Pitocin meant that my contractions would most likely be more painful, and that can lead to an increased risk in having an epidural. I also knew that all of this can lead to an increased risk of C-section. So I wasn't too happy to be starting that way.

After the drip was started, Arsen and I just pretty much relaxed for awhile. My contractions started pretty quickly, but they weren't too bad. I played on the iPad, emailed my boss and co-workers, looked around on Facebook and Pinterest a bit. It was strangely calm. It didn't really feel like what I thought it might. Eventually mine and Arsen's parents showed up, and everyone was just sitting in the room waiting on something to happen. They kept upping the dosage they were giving me of the Pitocin because I wasn't really reacting.

Around 5 PM my doctor came to check on me, and I was still just between a two and a three. At this point my contractions were getting to be extremely painful. It's strange how you wonder what they will feel like and no one can really explain it. To me, it just felt like the worst cramps I had ever had in my entire life. Where that is literally the only thing that I could see, hear or feel. I put in my headphones and played my birth playlist that I had created, but even that wasn't helping. On a monitor we could see when the contractions would start and stop in little peaks and valleys, and at one point I had one that stayed elevated for well over ten minutes. I honestly thought the pain would never end. I pride myself on having a high pain tolerance and not being a big complainer (Arsen, stop laughing), but that almost broke me. At that point everyone was saying if I needed an epidural to get one. One nurse said "You don't get an award for holding out longer, you know." She checked me to see how I was progressing and I was still just in between a two and three, so I knew this was going to be a long, long process. So around 7 PM I decided to get the epidural.







Everyone left but Arsen, and he stood in front of me and held my hands while they had me bend forward in the bed and sit "Indian Style" (I think they call it Criss Cross Apple Sauce these days haha) to get the shot. The numbing portion definitely was painful, but nothing too ridiculous. However, something happened that caused my left leg to spasm and shoot almost straight out and start twitching a bit. It was the strangest, most involuntary motion I've ever made, and it scared me to death. Of course I had done all the research on all the awful side effects of epidurals, and I think the immediate thought that I was going to be paralyzed or something flew through my mind when that happened. That's when I lost it for the first time. I started crying and couldn't hardly stop. Thank GOD for the amazing, supportive, sweet, kind-hearted man that I married. He said all the right things and wiped my tears and calmed me down like no one else could. Throughout this entire ordeal he really saved my sanity so many times. I'll be forever thankful to him for that.

My doctor came back around 9 PM to check on me, and at that point I was finally at a four. She said the baby was fine, but that his head was swelling (can't remember the technical term she used) because of being stuck in the birth canal for so long already and that when he was born we could expect a cone head. She went home at that point and said she would be back around 1 AM to check on things.

From there, everyone pretty much started dozing off. Everyone but me, that is. I knew I needed to sleep, but I was so apprehensive about everything that I just couldn't. I mainly just laid in bed staring at the TV but not really watching. Things weren't going how I hoped, and I think it had me a little uneasy.  The next four hours are kind of a blur of listening to the baby's heart on the monitor, a little small talk, and laying around doing nothing but waiting.

When my doctor came back at 1 AM she checked me and informed me that I was still just at a four. She let me know that she just didn't think I would get to where I needed to be. She said we could wait until 3 and check again, but she didn't see me making much progress. We discussed how this was something we had talked about for months, and that it was just probably not going to happen for me the way I had hoped. She was very kind and encouraging, and she told me it was completely up to me. She said the baby wasn't in distress and that I was doing OK. But she made it clear that her opinion was that I needed the C-Section. The nurses said similar things. At this point I was starting to feel all my dreams of my ideal delivery slip away. I asked everyone but Arsen to leave. And that's the second time I lost it.

Making the decision to have the C-Section was the hardest decision I think I've ever had to make. I was so, so determined to have the delivery that I had hoped for, and it was just so incredibly hard to let that go. Arsen held me and let me cry and mourn the loss of my dream, and he said all the right things to encourage me and let me know he would support whatever decision I made. But he made the point that the little guy had been working hard to get out for hours, and he knew he (the baby) and I both were getting tired. We decided that we would go ahead with the C-Section.

After being prepped for surgery, rolled back, and having the procedure done, it was all over in less than an hour. To say that it was strange to lay on a table and know that someone was removing my baby from my womb while I couldn't feel a thing is a major understatement. I kept a smile on my face and tried to convince myself that I was OK with what was happening, but it was definitely tough for me.

But then at 2:08 AM on April 24th, Grayson made his entrance into the world, and the minute he was held up over that curtain and I saw him, it didn't matter anymore. They took him and wrapped him up and handed him to Arsen right away, and he brought him over to me within seconds. Seeing his face was one of the most indescribable things I've ever experienced. I was overwhelmed with feelings, but more than anything I just felt completely overjoyed to finally have him here with us. They did all of his measurements and wiped him down a bit, and then they took him back to my labor room with Arsen while I was being sewed up. Definitely not at ALL the experience I was hoping for, but like Arsen kept reminding me, all that matters is that we had a healthy, happy baby boy.

After I got back to my labor room everything becomes a bit of a blur. Grayson was screaming. And when I say screaming, I can't express how loud these cries were. And he just wouldn't stop. The baby nurse brought him over and we tried to get him to nurse to calm him down, we did skin to skin, we did everything she suggested, and he just. wouldn't. stop. It was awful. And terrifying. And then the nurse said something about the fact that we had to get him to stop screaming because it could cause him to have a collapsed lung. Are you kidding??? Worst thing in the WORLD you could say to a brand new first time mama. I was more scared than I've ever been in my entire life, but it was almost like I was in shock. My mom said she could tell I was stressed, but on the inside I felt like everything was falling apart.

They transferred us to my new room after about an hour in recovery and he continued to scream off and on there. I can't remember how long it was before he completely calmed down, but by about 5 AM when Arsen's mom left we had a handle on things. I was finally able to just lay in bed with my little guy and enjoy him. It was amazing. It was beautiful. It was all of the things I had been hoping and dreaming it would be, and it was finally, finally happening.



We had several visitors over the next couple of days, both family and friends, and it all passed in a blur of sleep, breastfeeding, nurses coming and going, and much more pain than I was expecting. Since I hadn't planned on the C-Section, I was not mentally prepared to be recovering from surgery. I hate feeling helpless, and I totally was. Arsen had to help me to the shower, help me undress, and then basically bathe me. I will never, ever doubt how much that man loves me. To see me in that state and to never flinch and to tell me I was beautiful and doing a great job as a mommy and to continually encourage me....sometimes I'm pretty convinced he is actually the best guy on this planet.

Those first couple of days as a mama were beautiful. It is honestly impossible to explain the love you have for your child, but I'm sure I'll never stop trying. In my eyes, Grayson is the most beautiful, advanced, perfect baby I have ever seen, and I'm sure I will think he is the most amazing toddler, little boy, teenager, and man in the world until the day I die. Seeing Arsen with him melts my heart, and to see how naturally this whole fatherhood thing has come to him has made me fall more in love with him every day.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have this gorgeous little baby, the best husband I could have ever hoped for, and the sweetest little pup who I still adore with all my heart. Life is at once amazing, exhausting, overwhelming and blissful, and I wouldn't trade a second of it.