And then we went and visited several daycare centers in the area. And they were so super nice and clean and safe and great. And the kids looked happy, and the workers were friendly for the most part. And we went home at the end of the day and I cried and cried and cried. I had a full on meltdown about how I didn't think I could mentally or emotionally handle leaving my sweet, sweet baby every single day for strangers to care for him for 10 hours while I worked. I would miss out on the majority of his waking hours. Someone else would most likely witness his first words, his first steps, his first everything. It made me feel physically sick just thinking about it.
So we had several discussions. And honestly, after visiting those perfectly lovely daycares, Arsen had a change of heart and said he wanted me to stay home. The guy who had always told me it was unrealistic to even think I could stay home, who said not everyone has the opportunity to stay home and I needed to just face those facts...he decided it was worth giving up that extra income in order for me to be home with our boy.
Even though the thought of returning to work felt like someone was ripping my heart out, it was still a very, very hard decision. My job was honestly very fulfilling, it gave me a sense of purpose, I really enjoyed my co-workers, and it was turning in a more creative direction that I was really excited about. I also couldn't imagine myself without a job. Without a place to go every single day, a to-do list to check off, and a sense of accomplishment that came along with just being a contributing member of society.
To be honest, I still am struggling with things a bit. My days are completely full of baby-care, and I'm having a hard time trying not to lose myself into all of that. I'm the type of person who needs something to do every day. I need to feel like I've accomplished something. So when my entire day is wrapped up in all of the amazing things that come with being a stay at home mommy, like cuddling my sweet baby, rocking him to sleep, playing with him, watching him learn new things, singing to him and telling him stories...when that is what I do all day and I have no time to really "accomplish" anything that I can mark off a list...I have a hard time in convincing myself that I'm contributing. I'm not bringing in money, I'm not working toward something....so it's different.
But I know that I'm incredibly, amazingly, ridiculously blessed to be able to stay home. Millions of women probably wish that they had the opportunity to stay home with their babies. I honestly don't think that I could function at work anymore...I just can't imagine not being with him. And I know so, so many people don't have this opportunity. I'm completely overjoyed that this is my life now. But I still feel the need to validate what I am doing. I'm assuming this is just part of the whole mommy thing, and I'm sure it will be an adjustment. Overall, I'm just trying to soak up every moment of delicious baby-ness and remind myself what a lucky, lucky lady I am.