There's a common theme in the Facebook/Instagram/Blogging world - everyone and everything looks beautiful and perfect all the time. But I'm pretty sure we all know that that isn't the case. In my life, things are beautiful and perfect in a very flawed way a good portion of the time. But I like to be real, and to share when things get messy. And for me, lately things have been just a little bit sad.
First of all, on the most shallow note ever, I have gained all the weight back that I lost from breastfeeding, and I'm exactly where I was when I got pregnant last time - which is the heaviest I've ever been, aside from during pregnancy. Any woman out there knows that this is enough to give you the blahs for days on end. I know I need to do something about it, especially since I just turned 30 and apparently your metabolism takes a nosedive at that point, buuuuuut...I just keep thinking, do I really want to put in a ton of effort to lose 10 pounds, and then get pregnant?
Which brings me to my second issue. I'm right at the point where thoughts of a second baby are popping up here and there. Part of me is super excited to jump in and have another precious little bebe in my world, but there's another part that feels a little sad about it. Only because I'm so obsessed and in love with Grayson that it scares me a little to think of losing the relationship that we have. I don't want to have to share my time and my love and my devotion, even though as an only child I am fully aware that a sibling is the greatest gift I could ever give him. I know I'll love another baby just as much, but in my emotional brain it's just too much to handle sometimes.
Aaaaand.....Addie Jane. My precious, insane, sweet little "first-born" baby. This is the most heartbreaking thing of all in my world right now. Addie is a peculiar little dog. She's a shelter pup, and we don't know what type of life she had before she came to us because she was just found wandering the streets. But she's got a lot of issues. She's extremely aggressive when it comes to food, she doesn't seem to like any other female dogs, she definitely needs to be the "alpha" dog in all situations, she has issues with men, she has issues with being groomed...and she absolutely, positively can't stand Grayson.
This is probably partially my fault. She was incredibly spoiled before he came around. She was my first baby, and I treated her that way. I doted on her, gave her so much attention and love, cuddled her constantly, took her on long walks, played with her whenever she wanted...and even though he might deny it now, A really loved her and gave her a lot of sweet attention, too. Once Grayson entered the picture, the thing that I swore would NEVER happen did, and she just wasn't my first priority anymore. Obviously I still adore her and dote on her when I can, and play with her when I can, and take her on long walks and love on her when I can...but those times aren't near what they used to be.
I remember one night after Grayson came home from the hospital, maybe four or five days after he was home with us. I had nursed him to sleep and laid him in between A and I in bed, right where Addie had always slept. She hopped in bed and started to go to her spot, then saw Grayson and slowly went down by my feet and curled up. She just knew that it wasn't her spot anymore. I crawled down by her and just cried and cried and cried while I held her, because I knew it would never be the same and it absolutely broke my heart for both of us. But especially for my poor little abandoned shelter dog.
She's smart. She knew things were different, and she knew why. And I'm pretty sure since that first week she's resented Grayson. She just watches him very skeptically, and stays out of the way. It was okay when he was just a baby, but since he's been up and moving she has grown more and more irritated. He's obsessed with her, and chases her around all day, calling her name, grabbing her, trying to hug her, throwing toys at her to try to get her to play. We try to keep him away, but for anyone that has ever had a toddler, you know that's impossible. And she's just so sad. She drags her tail, she lays on the back of the couch, and she just looks like all the joy in her world is gone.
It got to the point that we knew she couldn't be here anymore. She and Grayson just can't be in the same house. She's miserable, we're all nervous, and he just can't keep his hands off of her. Right now, she's staying with my dad, until we can figure out what to do. Every time I think of actually giving her to a new family it causes a near panic attack, so I'm trying to figure out a temporary solution until she can eventually go to my mom. But it hasn't been easy to find anyone willing to take her for several months, and sometimes I think I should just let her go to a new home. But I just can't do it. No matter what happens, I love that little dog more than I could ever explain, and I just can't bare the thought of her not being a part of my life anymore.
So even though on a day-to-day basis, life is pretty freaking fantastic and I couldn't be happier, sometimes parts of life are sad. I think it's important to acknowledge that in a world where everything is seen through an Instagram filter. If you made it to the end of this very lengthy post, thanks for reading :) Every once in awhile a girl just needs to vent, and apparently today was the day for me.