Your Story

Have you ever tried to write down your story? Like, the story of who you are and why you are the way you are, and the people who played a part in shaping you into this fully-formed human that you've become? Well, as of last week, I have. And let me tell you, it isn't easy.

The table of ladies that I sit with at bible study have decided to share our stories - our stories of who we are and how we've come to the place that we are with God. Instead of finding a time to do this in person, because that would take an insane amount of time, we've decided to share them in our private Facebook group. So I'm now faced with the task of summarizing my entire life basically into a few paragraphs.

These women have no idea what they got themselves into, because I am certainly not one for brevity. I am allll about the details, and I have a hard time holding back. I'm kind of an open book, which can be good and bad. So when I sat down to try and sum up 31 years of life, man - it was tough.

It also made me look a bit closer at some of the things in my past that I rarely think about anymore. The people who have hurt me. The reasons I stayed away from church for so long. The intense dislike I had for everything related to Christianity for so many years, and the feelings behind that. I started to remember details that I think I'd suppressed. It caused me to peek into some moments in my life that make me feel a little nauseous when I think about them.

But it also made me feel so incredibly grateful. So grateful for the upbringing that I had, the morals that were instilled, the security that I have always had knowing how loved and cherished I am. It made me grateful for the hard lessons that I've had to learn, for the painful challenges that I've overcome. It let me see that even when I had completely turned my back on God, that He was right there. I have no doubt that He has guided my steps throughout my life. Every little thing that I've experienced has taught me something in some way. The hardest things that I swore would actually kill me at the time - I learned SO many incredible lessons from them. It was all worth it. It led me to this place.

Even though my husband and I have not been seeking God throughout our relationship, I know for a fact that God has been guiding us. And to be honest, it's mainly me that has not been seeking Him. My husband has an unshakeable faith, and prays on a regular basis and has always felt that everything happens for a reason. I have been the doubter, the pessimist, the one who at times felt hopeless. His faith has honestly helped to carry me through over the years.

But now that I'm on this path of seeking God and His will for my life, I can so clearly see that my past has had a great purpose. I don't know how it will be used, but I know that there are parts of my story that will help others. There are other women out there who can absolutely relate to the things that brought me to this point. My story is my own, it is unique and beautiful and hard and sad and full of joy, all at once.

If you haven't ever taken the time to write down your own story, I highly encourage it. It honestly felt a bit like a therapy session, combing through all of the details and making note of the ones that influenced me the most. Self discovery and reflection seems to be a big part of this faith journey, at least for me, but I must say that it has been incredibly enlightening and healing in many ways.

Insecurities in Faith

I recently posted about how I've had a lot of strange God things going on in my life. Since then, things have still been happening, and I've been leaning in pretty heavily into that area. I've joined a bible study, I've been going to church every weekend, and in my "free time" (hahahaha yeah right) I've been doing a lot of thinking, praying, studying, etc.

I was talking to my husband earlier today, asking if in his church they believe in getting saved the way that we typically do in all of the churches I've been involved in. For them, it's more about being baptized as a baby and dedicated to the Lord rather than making a conscious decision when you're older. Anyway, I was explaining to him a bit about what being saved typically means, and I said even though I was "saved" when I was younger, the heart change that I've had recently feels more significant than anything I've ever experienced, even in my most heavily involved and dedicated times in my life. Something is just different this time, deep within my soul.

I know that this is the path that I'm meant to be going down. I know that this is right for me right now. I can't explain what changed, because nothing really did. Just all of the sudden, everything is different. I feel different. I look at things differently. I want to do different things and pursue different passions. For some reason, God decided now is the time for me and it's like he reached down into my heart and set it on fire. That's the only way I can think to explain the difference.

Even though I know that this is right, this is what's meant to be happening, I am struggling with some serious insecurities. I feel like I've been led to get heavily involved in the church I attend, and to take on a leadership role in MOPS - and all I can think lately is "Who are you to do any of this? You are SO very HIGHLY unqualified." Because let's be honest. I am so very very unqualified.

I can't quote scriptures. Literally could not quote you one single scripture. I don't know the stories of the bible, who important biblical figures are. I'm not comfortable praying for others - I mean, I JUST started praying again a few weeks ago. I don't know the lingo, I don't know the correct terminology. I listen to the women in my bible study and read these books and watch these videos and I just think, man - how will I ever catch up? I have been out of this world for so so long, how do I make up for 12 years that I've done nothing to further my knowledge, to further my faith?

I realize that this is the time when people tell me that it's the enemy telling me these things. In my head I acknowledge that it probably is - but that doesn't really help all that much. I'm doing my best to learn and soak it all in, but dang it's hard with two little kids! I seriously only get an hour or two to myself every day after the boys are both in bed, and once I've cleaned up the house and done what I "need" to do, there's just so very little time to devote to furthering my knowledge.

I'm sure it will get easier as time goes on, and I'm trying not to dwell. Everyone has their strengths, and quoting scripture and relating every day occurrences back to the bible certainly is not mine. I'm curious though - for any of you that are practicing Christians, did you ever have a time like this? Are you someone who was raised in church and therefore has always had that foundation, or did you have these insecurities early on in your relationship with God? I guess I'm just hoping that someone out there will say "You're not alone! I've been there!" - I need all the encouragement I can get on this new path I'm going down!