God things going on in my life. Since then, things have still been happening, and I've been leaning in pretty heavily into that area. I've joined a bible study, I've been going to church every weekend, and in my "free time" (hahahaha yeah right) I've been doing a lot of thinking, praying, studying, etc.
I was talking to my husband earlier today, asking if in his church they believe in getting saved the way that we typically do in all of the churches I've been involved in. For them, it's more about being baptized as a baby and dedicated to the Lord rather than making a conscious decision when you're older. Anyway, I was explaining to him a bit about what being saved typically means, and I said even though I was "saved" when I was younger, the heart change that I've had recently feels more significant than anything I've ever experienced, even in my most heavily involved and dedicated times in my life. Something is just different this time, deep within my soul.
I know that this is the path that I'm meant to be going down. I know that this is right for me right now. I can't explain what changed, because nothing really did. Just all of the sudden, everything is different. I feel different. I look at things differently. I want to do different things and pursue different passions. For some reason, God decided now is the time for me and it's like he reached down into my heart and set it on fire. That's the only way I can think to explain the difference.
Even though I know that this is right, this is what's meant to be happening, I am struggling with some serious insecurities. I feel like I've been led to get heavily involved in the church I attend, and to take on a leadership role in MOPS - and all I can think lately is "Who are you to do any of this? You are SO very HIGHLY unqualified." Because let's be honest. I am so very very unqualified.
I can't quote scriptures. Literally could not quote you one single scripture. I don't know the stories of the bible, who important biblical figures are. I'm not comfortable praying for others - I mean, I JUST started praying again a few weeks ago. I don't know the lingo, I don't know the correct terminology. I listen to the women in my bible study and read these books and watch these videos and I just think, man - how will I ever catch up? I have been out of this world for so so long, how do I make up for 12 years that I've done nothing to further my knowledge, to further my faith?
I realize that this is the time when people tell me that it's the enemy telling me these things. In my head I acknowledge that it probably is - but that doesn't really help all that much. I'm doing my best to learn and soak it all in, but dang it's hard with two little kids! I seriously only get an hour or two to myself every day after the boys are both in bed, and once I've cleaned up the house and done what I "need" to do, there's just so very little time to devote to furthering my knowledge.
I'm sure it will get easier as time goes on, and I'm trying not to dwell. Everyone has their strengths, and quoting scripture and relating every day occurrences back to the bible certainly is not mine. I'm curious though - for any of you that are practicing Christians, did you ever have a time like this? Are you someone who was raised in church and therefore has always had that foundation, or did you have these insecurities early on in your relationship with God? I guess I'm just hoping that someone out there will say "You're not alone! I've been there!" - I need all the encouragement I can get on this new path I'm going down!