SAHM

Well, it's official. Something I never truly thought would happen has happened. I popped out a baby, fell madly in love, and decided it would be the end of the world if I had to leave that precious boy for hours upon hours every day to go to work. There were tears. There was anguish. There were many, many discussions with my unbelievably supportive husband. And then a decision was made. And I'm now a stay at home mom.

 

My mom stayed home with me from day one, and I honestly believe that my childhood and teenage years were greatly improved by having her there with me. In the back of my mind I think I have always hoped I would have the chance to stay home with my babies, but it wasn't something I wanted to admit. Before I even got pregnant Arsen and I talked about the possibility of me staying home, and he made it pretty clear that he didn't think it was necessary. Or financially smart. In his mind, why would we give up my salary when most of that money could go into savings every month and give us a lot of cushion. So it was pretty much a given that I would continue working. Then I got pregnant and it wasn't even that much of a discussion. I just knew I would go back to work after my maternity leave.

And then we went and visited several daycare centers in the area. And they were so super nice and clean and safe and great. And the kids looked happy, and the workers were friendly for the most part. And we went home at the end of the day and I cried and cried and cried. I had a full on meltdown about how I didn't think I could mentally or emotionally handle leaving my sweet, sweet baby every single day for strangers to care for him for 10 hours while I worked. I would miss out on the majority of his waking hours. Someone else would most likely witness his first words, his first steps, his first everything. It made me feel physically sick just thinking about it.

So we had several discussions. And honestly, after visiting those perfectly lovely daycares, Arsen had a change of heart and said he wanted me to stay home. The guy who had always told me it was unrealistic to even think I could stay home, who said not everyone has the opportunity to stay home and I needed to just face those facts...he decided it was worth giving up that extra income in order for me to be home with our boy.

 

Even though the thought of returning to work felt like someone was ripping my heart out, it was still a very, very hard decision. My job was honestly very fulfilling, it gave me a sense of purpose, I really enjoyed my co-workers, and it was turning in a more creative direction that I was really excited about. I also couldn't imagine myself without a job. Without a place to go every single day, a to-do list to check off, and a sense of accomplishment that came along with just being a contributing member of society.

To be honest, I still am struggling with things a bit. My days are completely full of baby-care, and I'm having a hard time trying not to lose myself into all of that. I'm the type of person who needs something to do every day. I need to feel like I've accomplished something. So when my entire day is wrapped up in all of the amazing things that come with being a stay at home mommy, like cuddling my sweet baby, rocking him to sleep, playing with him, watching him learn new things, singing to him and telling him stories...when that is what I do all day and I have no time to really "accomplish" anything that I can mark off a list...I have a hard time in convincing myself that I'm contributing. I'm not bringing in money, I'm not working toward something....so it's different.

But I know that I'm incredibly, amazingly, ridiculously blessed to be able to stay home. Millions of women probably wish that they had the opportunity to stay home with their babies. I honestly don't think that I could function at work anymore...I just can't imagine not being with him. And I know so, so many people don't have this opportunity. I'm completely overjoyed that this is my life now. But I still feel the need to validate what I am doing. I'm assuming this is just part of the whole mommy thing, and I'm sure it will be an adjustment. Overall, I'm just trying to soak up every moment of delicious baby-ness and remind myself what a lucky, lucky lady I am.

Grayson's First Road Trip

We've slowly but surely started venturing out with Grayson. As first time parents with a slightly moody baby, we were admittedly a little nervous about taking him with us to do our normal everyday things. First I started taking him on quick shopping trips with me, and then we tested out a couple of meals in restaurants. And he has been amazing! We have never had an issue at all. He normally sleeps the entire time, and if he's not sleeping he's just sort of looking around, taking it all in. But even though he was doing SO good at every new thing we tried, we were still a little leery about our first out of town trip.

Last weekend we loaded up the car (ohmygoodness babies require A LOT of stuff) and headed north to Oklahoma, along with my mom. Most of my family still hadn't met Grayson, and Arsen decided to take a week of vacation to recharge and relax, so we thought this would be the perfect time. After about four hours of packing on Thursday night (which wouldn't have taken so long if G wouldn't have needed me several times) we were ready to go.

Friday morning we got up and headed out for my dad's house. It's about a two hour drive from our house to his, and Grayson slept pretty much the entire way. I knew car rides normally put him to sleep, but this was the first time we were going more than 20 minutes or so from home. He slept like a little champ! We didn't have to make any stops or anything, so we made it to dad's just in time for a feeding and avoided any major meltdowns.

After spending a bit of time there, we headed over to my Grandmother's house so Grayson could meet his second cousin Isabella, who is just about a month older than him...although you would never know it because he's so huge they are about the same size. It's so, so much fun for my cousin Amanda and I to have little ones so close together in age. AND, we recently found out that BOTH of her brothers are expecting later this year, only 12 days apart this December. On my mom's side of the family it's just the four of us and two younger cousins, so it's pretty crazy that all four of us older cousins are having babies in one year. And it's the first baby for three of the four of us. I can't wait for holidays now...all those sweet little babes in one place!

My uncles and an aunt came over later in the day, and we all just spent a lot of time staring at the babies. Isn't it crazy how a group of adults can just gather around and stare at a child? And if they do something remotely cute the reaction from the adults is quite hilarious. I would love to have it on video.

The next day we spent time back over at my dad's with his side of the family. Grayson got the chance to meet several of my cousins, their kids, my uncle and aunt, and my dad's girlfriend. We all went over to her place so the kids could swim in her pool and we sat around and chatted for a couple of hours. That side of my family doesn't get together very often, so it was so much fun to see everyone.

Later that night we went to Norman (just outside of Oklahoma City) to stay with my uncles for a couple of nights. We spent the next day lounging by their pool, going out to eat, and doing a whole lot of nothing. So nice.

My mom, her cousin, and I went and drove through her old neighborhood in Moore after dinner on Sunday. It is unbelievable the damage that the May 20th tornado did. Seeing it in person made it so much more real. It hit literally a few streets away from where my mom lived. The first few houses in her neighborhood were pretty severely damaged, and just across the street houses were completely gone. The shopping center right down the road was basically demolished, and across the street from her neighborhood was also one of the elementary schools that took a direct hit. It's so crazy to see all those familiar places like that. Just so awful.

We stopped back by to see my dad on the way home on Monday...he might freak out on us if we were anywhere in the vicinity of his place and didn't bring Grayson by to see him. After visiting for a couple hours and then stopping by to see my Grandmother again, it was time to head back home to Texas. And that was pretty much the entire trip. A whole lotta family time crammed into just a few days. Definitely a good time, and I loved introducing the little one to everyone.

Unfortunately, the trip didn't end so well. About an hour from home, I was asleep in the backseat with Grayson when the car jerked and I heard a loud noise that woke me up. Apparently the car in front of us hit a huge piece of semi tire that was laying on the highway, and it flipped up and flew into our car. Arsen couldn't dodge it, so we ran over it. And it ripped off the passenger side of my front bumper to where it was hanging down and hitting the tire...so we were stranded on the side of the highway. In 100 degree heat. For almost two hours. It was miserable. Thankfully my dad was able to come pick us up and drive us home to Texas, and they towed my car to a nearby Hyundai place to be repaired. Other than the $500 deductible that we have to pay (on top of allllll the medical bills we've been paying from G's birth) it wasn't too terrible. I'm just so incredibly relieved that it wasn't anything more damaging and that none of us were injured. It is CRAZY how much scarier something like that is with a baby!

Aside from that craziness, it was a great trip and Grayson was such a good baby. I can't believe how much he has changed and how much better he handles things now. Even a few weeks ago there is no way I would have even attempted to take him out of town. So proud of him! And of me and Arsen. I think we're doing a pretty decent job at this parent thing so far.

Watching Him Discover

Today has been a pretty typical day in my "new" life.  A lot of feeding, rocking, cuddling, etc. Moments that I wouldn't trade for anything. Grayson has started fighting his sleep A LOT for some reason. It's like he doesn't want to miss out on a minute of what's going on around him.

I had been rocking him in the living room for quite awhile and he just wouldn't give in. Every time I would sit him up to see if he wanted to play or look around, he would start fussing. But when I would lay him back down and start to rock him, he would jerk and spit out his pacifier and grunt and whine. I tried the swing. I tried it all. So finally I decided to just take him outside and sit in the swing. And he loved it.

The last few days here in Texas have been amazing as far as the weather is concerned. Normally this time of year you can expect temps well over 100, but it's been in the 80s/low 90s and feeling wonderful. So we sat outside for a good thirty minutes in the shade of the big tree in the backyard, just swinging. I sat him on my lap and let him look forward and he seemed to just be soaking it all in. After being quiet for awhile he started getting really chatty and cooing and squealing.

I started thinking that to him, every moment of his life pretty much is an exciting new experience. Today was the first time he has just sat outside and experienced the elements. It was his first time to feel the wind on his cheeks and the sun on his legs and to stare at the clouds and watch the leaves blow on the tree. No wonder he doesn't want to sleep, who can blame the kid? I imagine everything is so fascinating to him, and I'm sure overwhelming at the same time.

Watching him discover all of these new things is so fun for me as his mama. Seeing him turn into this curious little baby is the best experience ever. About a week ago he discovered that his hands make the best chew toys in the world, and they have been in his mouth almost non-stop since then. He's also started grabbing onto things a lot, like his blanket or little taggie things. He's also started squealing and we've even got a few giggles in the last couple of days.

I'm so enjoying every moment of watching him learn and grow, and I think it's going to be so much fun to view the world through his eyes as his gets bigger and more interested in his surroundings. Even though the days may feel a bit monotonous for me, I'm trying to remind myself that each day is an opportunity for him to learn and discover a little more.