I'm having a blah kind of day. And for no real reason. I'm having one of those days where I'm just completely in my head, and it's making me crazy. I never post twice in one day, and this is a far cry from my post this morning. So bear with me.

The thing that is bothering me today, like most days, is the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm almost 28 years old, and I feel like I'm just wasting my days away. And it breaks my heart and makes me incredibly sad, because since I was a very young child I have known that I want to do something important and meaningful with my life. I read this post yesterday by Ariel at Dreams to Do, and it was honestly comforting to know that someone else feels the same.

I love helping others, I am compassionate to a fault, and I want to make the world a better place. I know that can sound kind of hippy-dippy, but that's just how I feel. I've always felt like I had a purpose in this life, but I've never been able to find it.

Around the time I entered into junior high, I started thinking about what I would do with my life. I always told my mom I felt like I didn't belong in our small town, that I was meant to be somewhere else. Not that there is anything wrong with a small town life, a lot of people love it and thrive there, but I just knew it wasn't meant for me. I knew I was supposed to do something, something important, and I just couldn't figure it out.

Fast forward 15 years, and I still feel the exact same way. Thankfully I'm now physically someplace I feel good, but internally something just isn't right. I feel like there is something more to life, and I'm just wasting my time away. I've been back and forth with several different paths in my lifetime, but I've just never been sure enough to jump out there and pursue something wholeheartedly. I feel so happy and blessed in my relationship, by my family and friends, and even with the ridiculous relationship I have with my dog, but for me, myself, what I am doing for me, something is missing.

I always say I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I do....but what on earth could be the reason for me struggling so hard to find a purpose and never being able to do so? If I have been seeking something for nearly 15 years and it still alludes me, what can be the point in that?

One thing that could possibly be holding me back here is faith. Faith is something I don't talk about on my blog, because to be honest I don't know how I feel about it. I am a thinker, I like to get all the details on something before I can buy into it, and I like a logical explanation for everything. This doesn't really line up well with the whole faith thing. I have always considered myself a Christian, simply for the reason that it is what I know. I do believe in God, some kind of higher power, but what exactly I believe about that I do not know. This is an issue that Arsen and I sometimes struggle with. He has incredible faith. He believes in God, he prays often, and he always subscribes to the thought that "everything is going to be fine, just pray about it". He can't understand why I don't feel the same, and honestly, I don't know. Occasionally I do pray, but then I just feel ridiculous because the last thing I want to do is be a hypocrite, and I've never thought praying only when you need something is the way to go. I don't have a daily, close relationship with God, so why pray in random instances?

Even when I was in the height of my faith, when I went to church every Wednesday and twice on Sundays, I still struggled with finding my purpose. I thought I found it a few times: I was quite convinced it was acting, but I never the confidence needed for that. Then, I thought I was meant to go to a Christian college and pursue a career in counseling. But when my mom and I went to visit the campus, something didn't feel right. I also considered joining a year long traveling ministry of sorts, but obviously that didn't work either. Throughout all of this, there were things in my life that I was going through that were tough. Tougher than anything a teenage girl should have to deal with. And I clung to my faith in those times like never before, and never since. And I saw things, things that these supposed "Christian" people did and said, that scarred me. And I eventually turned my back completely, because I wanted nothing to do with something so hypocritical and sad.

It has been nearly 10 years since that "faithful" time in my life, and I'm no closer to having the answers now than I was then. I feel older and much wiser obviously, but still just as confused about my true calling. And I do feel that I have one. This is also something Arsen and I can't really see eye to eye on. In his mind, no one really likes working, no one truly loves their job, you just do it because it's what you do. You find something, you stick with it, you make it work. To me, there has to be more than that. You only get one of these beautiful things called life, why should you waste it away spending 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, sitting at a desk doing something that does nothing for your mind, body or soul? Surely there has to be more to life than that, right?

I will say that this has been therapeutic, although I obviously feel no closer to an answer than I did when I started this post. Sometimes it's important to just get it out. I've always been big on writing out my feelings, even if it brings me no resolution. Maybe someone out there can relate, and needed to hear this. Or maybe I just needed to ramble for awhile to get it out of my head. Either way, it works for me.


  1. You are amazing, darling. I'd love to reach out and talk to you more about my faith but I ain't gonna bombard you! So please do ask if you have any questions. But speaking of this..I was talking to my sister (trying my hardest not to cry) yesterday about this SAME issue. I can't decide what I want to do! I feel like I'm wasting my life away as well. And it's sort of depressing. All my friends are going to be graduating and I'm stuck here...after my freaking associates and looking for a major still! haha. Whoa. That was long. Thanks for listening to my soapbox! I hope your day gets better. If you ever need some inspiration, email me! I gots lotsa good youtube videos and quotes galore.

    Amanda @

  2. Girl, we are kindred souls! I feel your frustration in every way. I have always had this feeling deep in my gut that I'm meant to do something great...something meaningful, not only for myself, but for the world. At this point in my life I am just trying to enjoy what I do have, no what I'm "doing with my life." But, that doesn't mean I'm not constantly battling myself in my head.

    We will both figure something out sooner or later. In the mean time, I'm just going to keep praying and questioning things.

  3. Celeste, this post could be on my blog. I understand where you are coming from in terms of faith, having a feeling you are meant for something more, but yet I have the same feeling as Arsen when it comes to working and doing what we have to do. I am happy, content and very blessed. But my heart does feel like it has more purpose. After graduating from college I applied for the Peace Corp on a whim. Got accepted but things in my life didn't allow for me to follow through. One thing for sure is I do have faith that one day I will fulfill my purpose. No matter how long it takes me to figure it out.

  4. This was probably one of the most honest and genuine posts I've ever read. You really bared your soul and it made me really like you. I'm 27 myself actually and will be 28 in February. I was married at 18 (2 weeks before my 19th birthday) I got divorced at 24. I moved to San Diego, traveled America, went to England a year ago, and finally... FINALLY after 27 years, I found it. I never factored in having a family to my life, but that was what I found was "for me". It was that thing I was meant for. ..It takes what seems like forever to find anything. There are so many signs that the Universe throws at us that try to guide us to that place, but we always overlook it as people. Having faith is important, but part of living life is finding it... Finding what really makes sense. I'd say hang in there and it will come to you, but it is totally worth the fight finding out. :) Email me if you'd like... (I feel bad going on for ages in your comments..haha)

    Steph xx

  5. I know that this is going to sound crazy from someone just turning 24 but I swear in my mind, I'm already going on 30. I've lived an extremely driven life and I've been somewhat lost for the past 2 years as to what my calling is. I can't say I'm doing the same faith searching that you are but I can understand your frustration wanting to find a job that satisfies your soul, not just your bank account. I have faith you'll find that when the time comes, it's just being brave enough to chase it once it shows itself, thats the hard part. Rob and I have somewhat different views on religion and faith too, I often wonder how that will pan out forever... Thinkin of you friend!

  6. This is fantastic and speaks to me so perfectly, I almost feel like you took the words straight from my mouth. I am 23 (yes, young) but have lived an advanced life. I feel like I am completely stuck and have been through a million different options on what the heck I am supposed to do with my life. I've also just recently found my faith and one thing I can promise you, is that you don't have to be perfect to believe, you don't have to pray every single day. You just have to truly believe in Him to guide you down the right path. He has a time and a plan for us all, so just trust him. He is good!


Thank you so much for taking the time to comment...each and every one makes my day just a little bit brighter!