I'm having a blah kind of day. And for no real reason. I'm having one of those days where I'm just completely in my head, and it's making me crazy. I never post twice in one day, and this is a far cry from my post this morning. So bear with me.
The thing that is bothering me today, like most days, is the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm almost 28 years old, and I feel like I'm just wasting my days away. And it breaks my heart and makes me incredibly sad, because since I was a very young child I have known that I want to do something important and meaningful with my life. I read this post yesterday by Ariel at Dreams to Do, and it was honestly comforting to know that someone else feels the same.
I love helping others, I am compassionate to a fault, and I want to make the world a better place. I know that can sound kind of hippy-dippy, but that's just how I feel. I've always felt like I had a purpose in this life, but I've never been able to find it.
Around the time I entered into junior high, I started thinking about what I would do with my life. I always told my mom I felt like I didn't belong in our small town, that I was meant to be somewhere else. Not that there is anything wrong with a small town life, a lot of people love it and thrive there, but I just knew it wasn't meant for me. I knew I was supposed to do something, something important, and I just couldn't figure it out.
Fast forward 15 years, and I still feel the exact same way. Thankfully I'm now physically someplace I feel good, but internally something just isn't right. I feel like there is something more to life, and I'm just wasting my time away. I've been back and forth with several different paths in my lifetime, but I've just never been sure enough to jump out there and pursue something wholeheartedly. I feel so happy and blessed in my relationship, by my family and friends, and even with the ridiculous relationship I have with my dog, but for me, myself, what I am doing for me, something is missing.
I always say I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I do....but what on earth could be the reason for me struggling so hard to find a purpose and never being able to do so? If I have been seeking something for nearly 15 years and it still alludes me, what can be the point in that?
One thing that could possibly be holding me back here is faith. Faith is something I don't talk about on my blog, because to be honest I don't know how I feel about it. I am a thinker, I like to get all the details on something before I can buy into it, and I like a logical explanation for everything. This doesn't really line up well with the whole faith thing. I have always considered myself a Christian, simply for the reason that it is what I know. I do believe in God, some kind of higher power, but what exactly I believe about that I do not know. This is an issue that Arsen and I sometimes struggle with. He has incredible faith. He believes in God, he prays often, and he always subscribes to the thought that "everything is going to be fine, just pray about it". He can't understand why I don't feel the same, and honestly, I don't know. Occasionally I do pray, but then I just feel ridiculous because the last thing I want to do is be a hypocrite, and I've never thought praying only when you need something is the way to go. I don't have a daily, close relationship with God, so why pray in random instances?
Even when I was in the height of my faith, when I went to church every Wednesday and twice on Sundays, I still struggled with finding my purpose. I thought I found it a few times: I was quite convinced it was acting, but I never the confidence needed for that. Then, I thought I was meant to go to a Christian college and pursue a career in counseling. But when my mom and I went to visit the campus, something didn't feel right. I also considered joining a year long traveling ministry of sorts, but obviously that didn't work either. Throughout all of this, there were things in my life that I was going through that were tough. Tougher than anything a teenage girl should have to deal with. And I clung to my faith in those times like never before, and never since. And I saw things, things that these supposed "Christian" people did and said, that scarred me. And I eventually turned my back completely, because I wanted nothing to do with something so hypocritical and sad.
It has been nearly 10 years since that "faithful" time in my life, and I'm no closer to having the answers now than I was then. I feel older and much wiser obviously, but still just as confused about my true calling. And I do feel that I have one. This is also something Arsen and I can't really see eye to eye on. In his mind, no one really likes working, no one truly loves their job, you just do it because it's what you do. You find something, you stick with it, you make it work. To me, there has to be more than that. You only get one of these beautiful things called life, why should you waste it away spending 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, sitting at a desk doing something that does nothing for your mind, body or soul? Surely there has to be more to life than that, right?
I will say that this has been therapeutic, although I obviously feel no closer to an answer than I did when I started this post. Sometimes it's important to just get it out. I've always been big on writing out my feelings, even if it brings me no resolution. Maybe someone out there can relate, and needed to hear this. Or maybe I just needed to ramble for awhile to get it out of my head. Either way, it works for me.