Mommy Guilt

I almost changed the name of this post, because ugh. I am actually really sick of hearing about mommy guilt. But the thing is, it's such a THING. As much as it may be a total cliche, and as much as we feel like it's been completely blown out of proportion and talked to death, it's still a thing. 

Take, for example, what I'm doing right now. I slipped out of the house while my in-laws came by to visit. My mom is at the house, my husband is home - there are four totally capable adults at the house - but yet I still feel guilty that I snuck away for an hour and a half to drink a chai tea and do a little bit of writing in peace. Or as much peace as I can get at the Starbucks by my house. 

But here I sit, trying desperately to focus because I only have a short amount of time and a billion things I want to do, and the entire time in the back of my mind I'm feeling like I should be at home. Doing what? I don't know. Cleaning? Of course, there's always something to clean. The dishwasher needs to be unloaded and reloaded. There's laundry. The baby might get hungry. There's just the general chaos of two kids to manage. Shouldn't I be there doing that? Isn't that my job?

I'm annoyed with myself. I'm annoyed that these unspoken expectations are forced down our throats. I'm annoyed that taking five minutes to myself to just freaking breathe for a second is something that I think I don't deserve. 

Something I've been struggling with for the past few months, but in reality, for the last three years, is the whole "stay at home mom" thing. Obviously, I'm a stay at home mom. But for a couple of years I worked from home around 10 hours a week doing freelance writing. Once Gavin arrived I knew I couldn't handle doing it with two kids at home. But almost immediately, I started feeling that itch for something other than just being at home with the babies. 

Oh man. Talk about mom guilt. Why, WHY on earth, am I not satisfied staying home with my babies? Why on earth do I feel like I need more? Why can't I look at my life, at my beautiful home and my nice things and my husband who works so hard so I don't have to, and be happy staying home with my two adorable kids and just being mommy? I have everything I have ever hoped for and more. This is the dream, right? Stay at home mom, taking care of the house and cooking dinner and teaching my babies? So why do I feel so unfulfilled? What is wrong with me? 

It took me months and months of internal debate to come to the realization that some women just need something else. Of course I love my children more than anything on this entire earth, and of course I love that I get to be home with them to teach them and watch them grow and to witness all of the amazing firsts. But dang, can't a girl take a minute to think about her hopes and dreams outside of mom-ing? It really feels like you can't. It almost feels that you have to make the choice between "working mom" and "stay at home mom", and that's it. You're one or the other. It feels like such a division. It's just so dumb. It's all so, so dumb. 

If you can't tell, I'm in a real mood today. The past few days, actually. I think it's just coming to the realization that it's just so, so hard to actually do anything at all with littles. These precious, tiny little humans that I am molding and shaping into hopefully fully grown, independent, amazing, wonderful members of society. It's such a huge thing, it's such a big job, and it really, truly is the most important thing. I want nothing more than to be an out of this world good mom to these precious babies that I've been entrusted with. But I have so many dreams for my life. I am constantly, constantly coming up with things I want to do, all of these endeavors I want to pursue, and it's so incredibly frustrating that I just can't. I can't. I simply can't with these itty bitty people at home that I need to take care of day in and day out. 

I'm searching for a solution. I'm looking for a way to do both, to be the best mommy I can possibly be all while pursuing some of these dreams. I don't know how that works, I really don't. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know if this is just a season of life that I need to sink into and embrace, of raising babies and that's all for now. I do know that I'm praying about it daily. I'm praying for guidance, I'm praying for peace, I'm praying for contentment in this season, if that's what is best. 

I also know that we have GOT to stop with the guilt. It's not fair. It is so not fair to have these unreal expectations, all of us crazy moms. It is so not fair to look at Instagram and Pinterest and to think "Oh my God look how amazing of a mom she is! Her kids are adorable and she's always so put together and her house is always clean in the photos and she owns a side business and she's making tons of money but she still gets to stay home with her kids and she has an amazing relationship with her husband and WHYYYY can't I do all of that, too?!?" 

We've got to just embrace our own lives, our own selves, and our abilities and our realities and our season that we're living and say "Ok. This is fine. This is actually amazing and beautiful and perfect in it's imperfectness, and this is MY life and MY reality and I love it. It may be hard sometimes and it may be difficult and there may be some things that I wish I could change, but I will live this life to the fullest and STOP feeling guilty for any of it. For not measuring up to this unreal, unspoken expectation of what a perfect mom should be". 

So that's what I'm going to work on. That's what I'm striving for, calmness and peace and contentment in this season, and the next one, and the one after that. Knowledge and peace that I'm where I need to be, when I need to be. That I'm living the life that was designed for me, and that God doesn't make mistakes, that he will give me a little nudge in whichever direction I need to take things, and that I need to calm down and relax in that. Of course, if there are improvements that can be made to make life better for me and make me happier and more content, then I absolutely plan to make those changes. And I also plan to not feel one ounce of guilt about doing what I feel like I need to do to make me the happiest mommy I can be, because I think that's a HUGE part of what actually makes up a great mommy.

I feel like there's a common theme to my posts lately, and that theme is to word-vomit all over my blog all of my internal mommy/wifey/womanly struggles and hope and pray that no one thinks I'm crazy and tries to have me committed. I hope that there are women out there relating, I hope that whoever needs to read this and think "YESSSS, I am not crazy nor am I alone!" will find there way to this itty bitty blog. That's what I hope. 

Mama Struggles

I don't think I've ever heard anyone anywhere ever say that being a mom is easy. I'm pretty sure if anyone has, they have never been around a child a day in their life. Kids are just challenging. Parenting is just hard. Being mommy just isn't the easiest thing. The best, most rewarding, most beautiful thing, sure. But easy? Nope.

There are so many things I struggle with as a mom. Preparing food, for one. I hate cooking. I love to eat, but on the average day I will literally forget about eating until I am so hungry it hurts. I am not great at thinking about fun meals and super nutritious snacks. That's just not me. 

Getting babies to sleep on their own. Such a struggle for me. I apparently just suck at this. My almost-three-year-old is still in my bed for the majority of the night, so clearly I don't have this figured out. And even though we started out so good with Gavin, and he was in the newborn napper part of the pack and play for the first three months, guess who's in my bed now? See? I suck. 

Getting in the floor and just playing with my son. I hate, hate to admit this - it's painful. It's shameful. But I am just not good at this. I am such a busy body. I always have a running to do list in my brain, and it is so hard for me to ignore the dishes and the laundry and the dirty toilets and the just overall mess in the house and sit down and play. I'm making more of an effort to do this every day lately, and it really can be fun for both of us. But it's not easy. 

Seriously, there are so many things on a day to day basis that I struggle to do well as a mama. But the number one struggle for me is patience. And anger. Oooooh, this is hard. Oh, it's painful. Painful. Good Lord, how I struggle. 

I have never been a patient person. I have always been so quick to anger. In my marriage this is a struggle, but I'm dealing with another fully grown, semi mature (kidding) adult that can take it and dish it out and communicate and forgive and forget. With my children? No. Just no. They don't understand it, and they don't deserve it. 

I know this. I so understand this. But still, almost every single day there comes a point that I react in a way that I'm not proud of. Kids are slow. Kids are not great listeners. Kids are disobedient from time to time. Kids are just straight up challenging in a million ways. And they test your patience, again and again and again. And it is so. So. So. Hard. 

I'm trying so hard to be better. And I am getting better. Much. But there are still so many things every day that threaten to send me over the edge. The blatant disregard for what I've just told him to do gets me every time. Oh man is that tough to take. Oh man does that make me want to snap. And sometimes I do, and I raise my voice and say things that don't come from a place of love. And it never helps. It never improves the situation. It always makes it worse. And I always end up regretting it. 

I recently heard something on my favorite little podcast that I've already mentioned, Mom Struggling Well, (learning so much from this podcast, will probably continue to mention it again and again) and it really stuck with me. I actually typed it into the notes of my phone so I wouldn't forget. The guest, and I wish I could remember which guest it was, said that when they are struggling with their kids that they pray "Give me Your heart for my kids". That has become almost a mantra for me. When I'm beyond frustrated and feel that anger rising up inside me and know I'm about to explode, I chant it over and over. When I can begin to see my sweet Grayson from a place of never-ending love and patience, I can see the moment for what it truly is. A not quite three year old boy dealing with emotions that he doesn't know how to handle. A little boy who is testing his limits, like they all do. They have to do it, they're learning and growing and developing into actual human beings. A little boy who may be overtired or hungry or frustrated or needing attention. And when I can see that, I can take a deep breath (or twenty) and approach the situation in a much better way. 

I'm not saying this system is full proof. If you could have a chat with Grayson I'm sure he would confirm that I absolutely still lose my temper on the reg. But I am better. I am coming from a much better place just in general, and I am making a continual effort. The daily struggles that we go through as mamas will never go away. Kids will always be kids, we will always be human. But stepping back from the situation and reminding yourself of the realities of the situation can at least give you a second to pause and catch your breath before reacting. And sometimes a second to breathe is all we need. 

Thankless

Becoming a mother is the single greatest thing I have ever done in my life. It is also the hardest, most challenging, most frustrating, most absolutely thankless thing I have ever done, ever.

I love my boys. Love them more than anything in the entire world times infinity. I'm sure every mother out there feels the same. But my goodness, the days can feel long. My goodness, I feel so very alone sometimes. My goodness, it sure would be nice if at the end of the day they said "Thank you mommy for working so hard to take care of us!". But they won't. I mean, they're almost-three and four months, so they wouldn't even think to do that. But in reality, they may never say that.

My husband has a job where people are constantly telling him how awesome he is. And he is, so that's good that they acknowledge it. He's getting promoted, getting raises, getting emails from big-wigs in the company congratulating him on things - and it is absolutely filling him up. He loves his job, he loves the recognition, and rightfully so. He works hard. So insanely hard, like ridiculous hours into the night and on weekends and early mornings and basically nonstop. But he is so very appreciated and praised.

A mothers job, whether she's a SAHM or a working mom or a mom who works part time or any variation, never ends. You are never, ever off the clock. Ever. When you're sleeping, when you're away from home, when you're sick. You are on call, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. If a kid gets sick, they want mommy. If they are hurt, mommy. If they are mad, mommy. Mommy gets it all, the good and the bad. And it's awesome. But it is oh-so-insanely-make-you-want-to-cry exhausting. Just tonight, I got the kids to bed, got to spend approximately ten minutes with my husband, and then HE accidentally woke Gavin up. And of course, I got to be the one to deal with it, because when a baby wakes up he doesn't want daddy, he wants mommy. And I cried. I shushed and rocked and bounced and cried and cried. Because mommy just wants a couple of hours at the end of the day for her. But she very rarely gets those hours.

And this is a season, I know that. I know that tiny babies and toddlers are the neediest of the needy, and I know that some day I will miss being needed this way, I know. And I do cherish the moments, I do - well, not all of them. But most of them, I do. But sometimes it just feels so very thankless. Is anyone noticing what I'm doing? Does anyone see the hard work I'm putting in? The hours upon hours upon hours of diaper changes and breastfeeding and handing out snacks and reading books and disciplining and dealing with tantrums and bedtimes and potty breaks and on and on. It literally never, ever ends. And there is no acknowledgment. There is no big raise, no pat on the back, no "job well done" or "we couldn't do this without you". And it can be hard. And frustrating. And overwhelming.

But something that I'm beginning to remind myself, or something I feel I'm being reminded of, rather, in my crazy new world that I'm living in, is - God sees it. He sees it, and he appreciates it. He loves it. He made me for this, for this hard, hard job that I'm doing. No, I don't think being a mom is my purpose or my calling necessarily, but I do know that these sweet babies are meant to be mine and I'm meant to be theirs. I know that God put them here in my hands to raise and love and teach and lead in the right direction so that they will be amazing men someday. And I know that he is there with me in the hardest of the hard times, and I'm learning that if I just turn to him for a moment and ask for help, that he will. Tonight, when I was so angry that A unintentionally woke up the baby and that my precious alone time was being stolen away - I was actually seething I was so angry, and the tears were just flowing - I just said a simple little prayer asking for help, saying God I'm just so tired, I'm just so done, I just need a tiny break, just a little break, please. And almost immediately the anger was gone. Almost immediately, Gavin settled into sleep. Almost immediately I was able to lay him down and go back to my precious, precious alone time. Oh you guys, the lessons I'm learning. They are so valuable, and so needed.

I hope this resonates with someone who needs to hear it. Because it can all be so very hard, but what we're doing, it's not for nothing. It's so worth it, even when it doesn't feel like it.

I Am Not a "Pinterest" Mama

Much to my dismay, nearly two years into this gig of mommy, I've discovered that I'm just not a Pinterest worthy mom. My house isn't really Pinterest worthy, my wardrobe is lacking (quite a bit), my cooking certainly isn't anything to brag about, and I'm afraid my mommy skills just aren't as Pinterest-y as I had hoped.

Don't get me wrong, I think I'm a good mom. Actually, I know I am. I adore my son. I lavish him with attention and kisses and play time and fun whenever I possibly can. I teach him things, I discipline him as needed, I encourage him, I laugh with him, I read with him, I snuggle with him. I do all of these things, all day, every single day. But still - I find myself lacking.

Pinterest moms seem to do a fun, educational craft with their children each day. They seem to fix them lunches in elaborate designs that hit every single food group, every single time. They seem to dress their children in adorable outfits each day, even when they're just playing at home (but why?). They seem to do incredibly fun and memorable activities for each and every holiday - even the ones that don't really count. They not only do these things, but they take phenomenal photographs of their children and their activities that feature not only said activity but also a sparkling home in the background.

I'm not one to struggle with envy at this point in my life. I've been there, done that, and I'm quite content with where I am now. But I look at these blogs, these pins on my Pinterest feed, and I wonder - HOW. How on earth do they do it? I'm a stay-at-home mom. Aside from the 12 hours a week that I set aside to work and Nana watches Grayson, I am with him constantly. I have all the time in the world to clean and cook and craft and take photos of it. But somehow, at the end of the day, I'm lucky if I've cleaned the kitchen or swept the floor and maybe read a book or two or played with some puzzles. Sure, we play all day long. But how much of it is "intentional" play, where I'm actually, intentionally educating him as we go? When do these Pinterest mamas have time to do all these dang crafts? And when they're doing their crafts, who's cleaning their bathrooms and cooking their dinners?

I mean, let's be honest. Most days we wake up, brush our teeth, change a diaper, eat our breakfast, play, change another diaper, play, eat lunch, then nap. At this point when Grayson is blissfully sleeping is when I finally brush my hair and slap on some makeup. I might get dressed, or I might simply switch into more presentable yoga pants and a fresh t-shirt. Our afternoons are more of the same, interspersed with some cleaning or organizing here and there. If we have errands to run, of course I actually fix myself up to a degree and wear a "cute-for-a-young-mom-in-the-suburbs" outfit. But other than that, not so much.

My life doesn't look like my Pinterest boards. It's taken me awhile to come to terms with that. I just don't think I'm ever going to be the blogger who has exciting, detailed, over-the-top posts about the activities I've been doing with G. I don't think I'm ever going to be the mom on Instagram who looks like she just walked off of a magazine cover when she takes a selfie at Target. I'll probably always have cheerio crumbs scattered around my house and a few stray toys spread out over my living room floor. I'll probably always have that same stack of mail sitting on my kitchen counter. And I'll probably never remember that I need to start dinner until it's 20 minutes until we need to be eating.

Somehow, I'm OK with all of it. The messiness, the un-perfectness, the never really feeling like I'm accomplishing what I need to be. This is life. This is my life, with my toddler, and I just think that's how it's going to be for me. It's not glamorous, it's nothing to necessarily aspire to, but it is absolutely, positively the place I want to be.