Waiting

In my life right now, it seems like messages keep getting almost thrown in my face, over and over, until I'm like "Okay God, I get it...THIS is what I need to hear right now". It's really been a kind of crazy and amazing time, and I feel like I'm learning a lot and my eyes are being opened to new ways of thinking all the time. 

When I first started this whole pursuing God thing a couple of months ago, it was like I was on a rocket ship that launched and crazy things were happening almost every day. I was making connections, I was learning things - it really felt like something almost amazing happened every single day. And then, it slowed down. I started getting busy, I started getting antsy, and the "oh wow what is happening" moments tapered off. 

I've always heard people talk about God speaking to them, but just assumed that wasn't something that would happen to me. But a couple of times lately I have "heard" from God. Things that I know don't come from my own mind will hit me so hard, and I know it's God guiding me. I've also had a few people say similar things to me about the phase of life that I'm in, enough to know that it's right. 

And that phase seems to be one of waiting. Of studying, of learning, of gaining knowledge. Of seeking a relationship with God, of getting to know Him on a deeper level, of truly learning what it is to spend time in prayer, listening rather than rambling on. 

Today, I keep hearing the message of waiting. An incredibly sweet woman that I met with earlier today, that I learned so, so much from, was sharing her own story of learning to wait, and when she said that sometimes God wants us to wait, that there are seasons of waiting, that He delights in us waiting - oh man, it hit me SO hard. I knew at that moment that I was supposed to hear that, and to take it in. Then this evening I was listening to this weeks Mom Struggling Well episode, and the main thing the guest spoke about was waiting. Absolutely one of those, "Okay, I hear you God!" kind of days. 

So my busy-busy, have-to-be-doing-all-the-time self is about to learn how to wait. One of the things I feel that I've heard from God is that I need to spend time in the Bible, which is something I have honestly never, ever done before. So my plan now (you know I've gotta have a plan) is to sit, be still, study, learn, and wait. Even though I am quite positive it won't be easy, one thing I am learning is that if God is guiding me to do something, it will absolutely be worth it in the end. 

Man, you guys. I just really can't wait to see where things go from here. Even though this may be a "slow" season, a season of waiting, I know I am going to grow and learn so much, and the thought of it excites me. 

How about you? Are you in a certain season of life that you find challenging? And if so, how do you cope with that? I would love to hear some feedback from you! 

Thankless

Becoming a mother is the single greatest thing I have ever done in my life. It is also the hardest, most challenging, most frustrating, most absolutely thankless thing I have ever done, ever.

I love my boys. Love them more than anything in the entire world times infinity. I'm sure every mother out there feels the same. But my goodness, the days can feel long. My goodness, I feel so very alone sometimes. My goodness, it sure would be nice if at the end of the day they said "Thank you mommy for working so hard to take care of us!". But they won't. I mean, they're almost-three and four months, so they wouldn't even think to do that. But in reality, they may never say that.

My husband has a job where people are constantly telling him how awesome he is. And he is, so that's good that they acknowledge it. He's getting promoted, getting raises, getting emails from big-wigs in the company congratulating him on things - and it is absolutely filling him up. He loves his job, he loves the recognition, and rightfully so. He works hard. So insanely hard, like ridiculous hours into the night and on weekends and early mornings and basically nonstop. But he is so very appreciated and praised.

A mothers job, whether she's a SAHM or a working mom or a mom who works part time or any variation, never ends. You are never, ever off the clock. Ever. When you're sleeping, when you're away from home, when you're sick. You are on call, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. If a kid gets sick, they want mommy. If they are hurt, mommy. If they are mad, mommy. Mommy gets it all, the good and the bad. And it's awesome. But it is oh-so-insanely-make-you-want-to-cry exhausting. Just tonight, I got the kids to bed, got to spend approximately ten minutes with my husband, and then HE accidentally woke Gavin up. And of course, I got to be the one to deal with it, because when a baby wakes up he doesn't want daddy, he wants mommy. And I cried. I shushed and rocked and bounced and cried and cried. Because mommy just wants a couple of hours at the end of the day for her. But she very rarely gets those hours.

And this is a season, I know that. I know that tiny babies and toddlers are the neediest of the needy, and I know that some day I will miss being needed this way, I know. And I do cherish the moments, I do - well, not all of them. But most of them, I do. But sometimes it just feels so very thankless. Is anyone noticing what I'm doing? Does anyone see the hard work I'm putting in? The hours upon hours upon hours of diaper changes and breastfeeding and handing out snacks and reading books and disciplining and dealing with tantrums and bedtimes and potty breaks and on and on. It literally never, ever ends. And there is no acknowledgment. There is no big raise, no pat on the back, no "job well done" or "we couldn't do this without you". And it can be hard. And frustrating. And overwhelming.

But something that I'm beginning to remind myself, or something I feel I'm being reminded of, rather, in my crazy new world that I'm living in, is - God sees it. He sees it, and he appreciates it. He loves it. He made me for this, for this hard, hard job that I'm doing. No, I don't think being a mom is my purpose or my calling necessarily, but I do know that these sweet babies are meant to be mine and I'm meant to be theirs. I know that God put them here in my hands to raise and love and teach and lead in the right direction so that they will be amazing men someday. And I know that he is there with me in the hardest of the hard times, and I'm learning that if I just turn to him for a moment and ask for help, that he will. Tonight, when I was so angry that A unintentionally woke up the baby and that my precious alone time was being stolen away - I was actually seething I was so angry, and the tears were just flowing - I just said a simple little prayer asking for help, saying God I'm just so tired, I'm just so done, I just need a tiny break, just a little break, please. And almost immediately the anger was gone. Almost immediately, Gavin settled into sleep. Almost immediately I was able to lay him down and go back to my precious, precious alone time. Oh you guys, the lessons I'm learning. They are so valuable, and so needed.

I hope this resonates with someone who needs to hear it. Because it can all be so very hard, but what we're doing, it's not for nothing. It's so worth it, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Passion

Because Grayson was born screaming his head off, and then he didn't really stop for like, two months, I've often felt like I had the "scary" or "bad" baby that people dread. But since I am all wrapped up in mama love and I feel as if he's a perfect angel, I couldn't ever really say that he was anything other than amazing. But I mean....anyone that spent any time with us in the early days knew he was a bit of a challenge. I decided rather than saying that he was colicky, which I think is what people say about "his type" usually, or that he was a difficult baby, I would say that he was passionate. I've been calling him passionate since he was just a few weeks old, and I don't know if it was one of those self-fulfilling prophecy kind of things or what, but good lordy lord, that child is nothing if not passionate.

It's funny, because the things that drive you crazy in others are often qualities that you yourself have, and I have to say...he comes by it honestly. I am passionate, no doubt about it, and it can be both a blessing and a curse. I think if your passion is embraced and understood, it can be a beautiful thing. It can lead to great success, it can draw people to you, it can give you that spark that other people wish they had. But at the same time, it can distract you if you let it, because it's easy to feel passionate about multiple things - speaking from experience here.

When I think of my passionate baby, who's turned into my passionate toddler, I wonder what he'll be like in a few years, in 10 years, as an adult. I hope he embraces that passion that he feels and makes something amazing happen with his life. I hope that I can teach him to use it for the gift that it is. I hope that we raise him to be passionate about the right things, to embrace whatever it is that really pulls at him, and to never give up if he really wants something.

Over the last 30 years I've learned a lot about living with the passionate streak that I have. I've learned that not everyone understands why I feel so strongly about things. I've learned that this passion also tends to lead to a quick temper, and that is a struggle I still deal with. I've learned that it's important to focus, to choose something to pursue, because it's so easy to feel passionate about every aspect of your life. It's my hope that I can pass these lessons on to Grayson, and any other future passionate babies that I may have, and that they won't have to learn it all the hard way.

What about you? What are you passionate about? Do you have one "great love" of a passion that you pursue endlessly, or are you more like me, and you tend to feel all the feels about every thing that goes on in your life?