Friday, March 11, 2016
I love my boys. Love them more than anything in the entire world times infinity. I'm sure every mother out there feels the same. But my goodness, the days can feel long. My goodness, I feel so very alone sometimes. My goodness, it sure would be nice if at the end of the day they said "Thank you mommy for working so hard to take care of us!". But they won't. I mean, they're almost-three and four months, so they wouldn't even think to do that. But in reality, they may never say that.
My husband has a job where people are constantly telling him how awesome he is. And he is, so that's good that they acknowledge it. He's getting promoted, getting raises, getting emails from big-wigs in the company congratulating him on things - and it is absolutely filling him up. He loves his job, he loves the recognition, and rightfully so. He works hard. So insanely hard, like ridiculous hours into the night and on weekends and early mornings and basically nonstop. But he is so very appreciated and praised.
A mothers job, whether she's a SAHM or a working mom or a mom who works part time or any variation, never ends. You are never, ever off the clock. Ever. When you're sleeping, when you're away from home, when you're sick. You are on call, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. If a kid gets sick, they want mommy. If they are hurt, mommy. If they are mad, mommy. Mommy gets it all, the good and the bad. And it's awesome. But it is oh-so-insanely-make-you-want-to-cry exhausting. Just tonight, I got the kids to bed, got to spend approximately ten minutes with my husband, and then HE accidentally woke Gavin up. And of course, I got to be the one to deal with it, because when a baby wakes up he doesn't want daddy, he wants mommy. And I cried. I shushed and rocked and bounced and cried and cried. Because mommy just wants a couple of hours at the end of the day for her. But she very rarely gets those hours.
And this is a season, I know that. I know that tiny babies and toddlers are the neediest of the needy, and I know that some day I will miss being needed this way, I know. And I do cherish the moments, I do - well, not all of them. But most of them, I do. But sometimes it just feels so very thankless. Is anyone noticing what I'm doing? Does anyone see the hard work I'm putting in? The hours upon hours upon hours of diaper changes and breastfeeding and handing out snacks and reading books and disciplining and dealing with tantrums and bedtimes and potty breaks and on and on. It literally never, ever ends. And there is no acknowledgment. There is no big raise, no pat on the back, no "job well done" or "we couldn't do this without you". And it can be hard. And frustrating. And overwhelming.
But something that I'm beginning to remind myself, or something I feel I'm being reminded of, rather, in my crazy new world that I'm living in, is - God sees it. He sees it, and he appreciates it. He loves it. He made me for this, for this hard, hard job that I'm doing. No, I don't think being a mom is my purpose or my calling necessarily, but I do know that these sweet babies are meant to be mine and I'm meant to be theirs. I know that God put them here in my hands to raise and love and teach and lead in the right direction so that they will be amazing men someday. And I know that he is there with me in the hardest of the hard times, and I'm learning that if I just turn to him for a moment and ask for help, that he will. Tonight, when I was so angry that A unintentionally woke up the baby and that my precious alone time was being stolen away - I was actually seething I was so angry, and the tears were just flowing - I just said a simple little prayer asking for help, saying God I'm just so tired, I'm just so done, I just need a tiny break, just a little break, please. And almost immediately the anger was gone. Almost immediately, Gavin settled into sleep. Almost immediately I was able to lay him down and go back to my precious, precious alone time. Oh you guys, the lessons I'm learning. They are so valuable, and so needed.
I hope this resonates with someone who needs to hear it. Because it can all be so very hard, but what we're doing, it's not for nothing. It's so worth it, even when it doesn't feel like it.