Letting Go of the Past

When I look back on my life, I can say I've lived a pretty great one up to this point. Growing up I always felt secure and loved by my parents. I knew I would always have whatever material things I needed. I was blessed with many good friends. Sure, I wished my parents would have gotten along and I always wanted siblings to make things a little less lonely, but for the most part I have to say I had a good childhood.

Things got a bit more complicated when I entered high school. Due to some pretty dumb decisions on my part, I spent the majority of my time in high school in a toxic relationship. The guy I was with was older and out of school. He was into some not so great things and didn't treat me very well at all. Looking back, I feel as if I wasted more than three years of my life, that I missed out on so many things that most high schoolers experience, that I let him ruin so many meaningful things for me....

The funny thing is that when I think of that time and of him, I don't feel bad for myself or have anger or resentment for what he did to me. Instead, I feel sad for the innocent, naive girl that I was then. It's like I'm looking at someone else's life whenever I think back to that time. Before I was with him I had never had a boy treat me poorly. I had never had a boy put me down, or disrespect me, or break my heart. I had never been cheated on, never been lied to, never been let down over and over again.

When I look back at that time in my life, it seems so far away. I can honestly say it was by far the worst three years of my life. I struggled immensely all that time with severe depression, I'm sure partly because of the things I was dealing with, but also because in my earlier years I was just prone to that. When I think of that time, for the most part, it's almost like there was a dark cloud covering everything. It makes me sad for the girl that I was. I want to give her a hug, tell her that someday it will be so much better, that she'll meet a man who respects her and treats her wonderfully and will never lie or cheat or hurt her heart.

When I look back at that time, I sometimes still get angry at him. For taking advantage of a younger girl  who thought he was funny and cute and had never been with a "bad boy" before. For taking my innocence and for hurting me repeatedly for years as if it didn't phase him at all. I no longer feel any of the pain, not even an ounce. I think somehow Arsen undid any damage any previous guys caused by loving me so completely. But the anger I still feel, not for myself, but for that innocent girl I once was. She deserved so much better.


  1. Ahh I can totally relate to this! I had a boyfriend like that in college, my senior year, and when I look back at a time that should have been so great, there are many bad memories. I'm not only sad for the girl I was then, but also for the people I hurt in the process when choosing him over them... Isn't it nice to be beyond that?

  2. You know what, he made you the person you are now. Without him, you wouldn't be the momma you are or the partner you are. Horrible as it is, all of our past comes together to make us the person we are. So warts and all, you wouldn't be the woman you are today without assholes like him in your past.

    (I speak from experience)



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