When you start talking about being a mom, things can go in a million different directions. Those of us who are lucky enough to have the title know that it's a complicated thing. In a day I feel so many emotions that I question my sanity. I am overjoyed, amused, frustrated, infatuated, annoyed, so in love that my heart might burst, and so exhausted that I might scream.
toughest job I've ever had. This still holds true. I've heard people say it shouldn't be considered a job, and you should never compare it to one, but to be honest? Some days it feels like work. Really, really, exhausting, hard, emotionally, physically, and mentally draining work. Maybe I shouldn't admit that, but it's true.
At the same time, there isn't a job in the world that could fulfill me the way that being a mother does. Some women choose not to have children and are 100% content and fulfilled with a career or a passion or a marriage or whatever it might be. For me, motherhood is that thing. Everyone has their own thing, and I think that's wonderful and beautiful. If you aren't called to be a mother, then you just aren't. No shame, no judgment, no holier-than-though attitude. I have friends who don't want babies, and they are amazing people. I don't know why it turns into an "us versus them" thing so often. I don't know why some people feel the need to downplay motherhood, to act as if it's something you shouldn't be proud of. I'm incredibly proud. I'm proud that I'm shaping this little boy into what will hopefully someday be an amazing, respectful, kind, honest, reliable man. I'm proud that I gave up so much to do that, that it consumes my life. I made that choice, and I don't think I should ever feel like that makes me "less than", just like not having children will never make anyone else "less than".
But motherhood is absolutely something that no job, no training, no nothing in the world could prepare you for. The lengths that you will go to for your child, the sacrifices that you will make, the giving of yourself - I honestly didn't know I had it in me. Some days I question if I do.
Some days, when Grayson doesn't sleep well, or he throws tantrum after tantrum, or the house is a disaster and it seems like all I do is clean and clean and clean...on those days, I feel so drained that I think I might not be able to push through. But then I scoop him up in my arms, cuddle him on the couch, give him a million kisses until he giggles, and I make it through. I reach deep down inside myself and I find that all-consuming love that fills me up and makes the tiredness and the frustration and the fear that I'm losing myself to mommy-hood begin to fade away. There is nothing that can compare to the way I love my son. There just isn't.
So no matter how hard it may be, no matter how tired I may get, no matter how badly I think I just need a break....it's so worth it. I would do it over and over and over again, a million times. I would gladly give up the free time, the TV watching, the book reading, the going out with friends, the lounging around on Sundays, the sleeping in, the trips out of town, the date nights whenever we want them, the career, the time to work out, the time to do anything other than be mommy. Because even though I desperately need those things from time to time, I desperately need to keep a sense of who I am when I'm not mommy....mommy is who I am. It doesn't matter where I am, what I'm doing, how far away I may be. I will always and forever be his mommy, first and foremost. It is so deep within me that it consumes who I am. Motherhood is a sacrifice in a million ways. I discover that more and more all the time.
So yes, it's hard. Yes, it is a challenge. Yes, some days I count down the hours until bedtime. But it's the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my entire life. And I'm not sorry for that.