So, motherhood is hard. Like, really hard. I am so very tired. I'm physically exhausted, mentally drained, emotionally unstable...ha, kidding about the last one ;) But seriously, the past few days I've just been feeling so worn out. It is non-stop, and there really isn't any downtime to recoup, ever.
Grayson is in this four month sleep regression phase that I guess a lot of babies go through. He fights his naps alllll day long, and when he does nap it only lasts for maybe 20-30 minutes. At night he's fidgety and waking up more often than he has been for the last several weeks. And this lack of sleep is leading to a much crankier baby than we're used to. It's tough.
Also, he's getting so big and so hard to lug around everywhere. He wants to be held all the time, so I'm carrying around an extra 16 pounds almost all day every day. My body is in a constant state of soreness. The lack of sleep added to this has had me feeling like I might drop onto the floor mid-step from the exhaustion of it all for the past couple of days.
I think the main thing that makes it hard though, aside from the actual physical aspect of things, is the realization that my life is not my own anymore. Every waking moment of my life is spent either trying to keep Grayson, Addie, or Arsen happy. I never get the chance to do anything for myself, like ever. I can't tell you the last time I sat down and read for more than five minutes, which has always been my favorite pastime and biggest stress reliever. I can't remember the last time I got to shower, dry my hair, and put my makeup on without stopping about 3-4 times in between to take care of something. I even very rarely get to enjoy a meal without holding G in one arm or waiting until he's fallen asleep and the food is cold.
But even though this is by far the toughest, most challenging thing I've ever done, I 100% can say that I would do it a million times over for this sweet baby that I adore so much. It's absolutely a sacrifice, and sometimes I feel like I just need a teeny tiny break to keep going (today Arsen watched him and I went shopping for an hour to recharge). But even though sometimes I desperately need that break, when I'm gone I am missing him the entire time. It's crazy how that works.
I would do anything in the world for that little guy. He wears me out like nothing I've ever experienced, but it is absolutely worth it. I know with each baby it will all just multiply, but I'm sure the love will, too. This whole mom thing is continuously surprising me, but in the most wonderful ways. Toughest job ever, but most rewarding by far.