Arsen likes to say that I'm prone to negativity, but in my mind, I'm just realistic. I'm a planner. I like to think through every possible scenario and develop an idea for how I would handle it, good or bad. Arsen's approach is to just assume everything will work out perfectly, and adapt if something less than great were to happen. As I'm sure you can imagine this can lead to a bit of strain in our marriage from time to time. I think we really handle it well since we are polar opposites in this area, but it can definitely lead to some frustration on both parts.
I think as I approach my due date I'm starting to feel a slight internal panic. I'm so worried about getting everything done on time...and who knows what "on time" will turn out to be? For someone who likes to have a plan for every day of her life, knowing that this baby could make his grand entrance into the world with basically no warning at any time over the next couple of months is a bit tough to take. On top of that, my job has become a major source of stress for me in the past two months or so. Several changes have been made on our team, which has led to my workload being nearly doubled...plus I'm trying to get ahead by three months so they aren't all struggling to cover for me while I'm out on maternity leave. To say it's been stressing me out is a huge understatement. I feel like this should be the most joyous time in my life, and for the most part it feels like the most stressful.
I say all of that to say this: I need to focus on the good. I need to be thankful for all of the amazing things that I have going on in my life. I need to take Arsen's approach for the next two months and just assume that everything will work out for the best. The constant worry and stress isn't healthy for me or the baby I'm sure, and what is it really accomplishing? I am becoming physically, mentally and emotionally unable to deal with things the way I have been. When it comes to my home life, Arsen has been amazing at helping me check things off my crazy long to-do list. And when it comes to work, I will just do what I can do. I honestly am not going to be able to work the long hours and stay in the office late and do everything I "need" to do to get everything done, so I'm just going to have to do what I can. Definitely not the easiest thing for someone who's a bit of a perfectionist to deal with...but my body is letting me know that's my only option. I'm actually sitting in bed, home sick from work at the moment. I think the little guy in my belly may be saying enough is enough.
So I think I'm going to give myself permission to relax. To lay on the couch and watch a TV show if I want to instead of running around like crazy trying to get everything done. To take a second to read a magazine or play around on Pinterest instead of working on something.
And I'm going to embrace all of the amazing things in my life. My wonderful, thoughtful, helpful husband, who brings me so much happiness and makes me feel safe and taken care of. My crazy little fur-baby that has turned into the best cuddle buddy since I've been pregnant and who makes me laugh on a daily basis. My mom, who has been a huge help the past couple of months taking care of Addie and helping around the house when I just don't have time. And my little man, who I will FINALLY be able to hold in just a couple of months. He's given both me and Arsen so much motivation in our lives....it's so crazy how much life changes when you realize you will be solely responsible for raising a human being and forming him into a productive member of society. And he has already brought us so much joy. Just the thought of him, feeling his little kicks, talking about his future and all of the fun things we will do with him....it's brought Arsen and I so much closer already.
When I really think about it, I am so, so blessed. I am such an incredibly lucky woman to have all of this in my life. And I need to embrace it and appreciate it every single day. And I intend to.