I've had the same best friend since about third grade (minus a year or two when she hated me in junior high), and I had a great group of girl friends that I hung out with throughout my years in junior high/high school. In my "adult" life, I've only become close with a handful of women. Of course I have lots of people who I consider to be friends of mine, but I'm talking about the kind of friend that you call on the phone and chat with on a semi-regular basis, the type that you ask to run errands with you or come over to lounge on the couch in sweats watching movies. I honestly can only think of a few girls that I feel that way about.
I think the reason for this is that I've always been insanely insecure. The older I get the more confident I feel, but still to this day I just assume that most people who meet me don't really want to be friends. I have no idea where that comes from, but it is what it is. Arsen has spent the last five years trying to convince me that people actually do like me and trying to encourage me to reach out to people to develop a friendship. He's one of those people who just automatically develops a friendship with just about anyone he meets, so it's hard for him to understand how I feel.
And it's not that I'm socially awkward or can't make conversation. For the most part I always feel like when I'm meeting someone new that I put off a good "vibe" and make a good impression. But then I never, ever feel comfortable reaching out to develop an actual friendship. I always feel like if someone wanted to be friends with me, they would make the effort. If they don't reach out first, I just assume they didn't really care for me.
Right now I'm at a a place in my life where I'm being forced to make new friends, simply because now that I'm a stay at home mom, I might lose my mind if I didn't find new mommy friends to relate to. There are all kinds of mommy groups around here, but I'm back in that same "no one's going to like me and I'm going to be the awkward loner" thing. I've met up with a couple of friends of friends already, and I have really enjoyed spending time with them...but now I'm at that point where things usually end. I'm going to have to force myself to be friendlier, to suck it up and just do it. I have no idea why this is hard for me, but at almost thirty years old I think it's time that I overcome whatever weirdness this is that causes me to be this way. Wish me luck, maybe?